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How to handle the "why are you still single?" question.

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  • Being still single and no children at 40 (almost) and not happily so, I think most of my family and friends know me well enough not to broach the subject.

    I really don't get asked it very much, and not for a long time now. However, as I find it hurtful if anyone does ask in such a blunt manner I have a few responses ready, depending on who asks:

    For the children who haven't learnt the art of tact yet and I don't want to be rude to them - "because life doesn't always work out the way you plan/want it to"

    For the friend who's trying to be kind but getting it wrong without meaning to - "because you're obviously not introducing me to the right people"

    For the stranger/aquaintance/person who's being insensitive and you just want them to back off - "That's a bit personal, I'd prefer not to discuss it with you." or "That's really none of your business" or "I don't really think it's got anything to do with you"

    I honestly think that some people have no idea just how hurtful and insensitive their comments are, I mean, I don't go around telling people how much of a failure I already feel, so they aren't to know their comments make me feel worse than I already do.
  • "You know, now that you mention it, I shall have to go and get one immediately. Bye."
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    "Funny you should mention it, I've proposed to loads of blokes and they've all run a mile".
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • LisaB85
    LisaB85 Posts: 2,008 Forumite
    "You know, now that you mention it, I shall have to go and get one immediately. Bye."

    'I'll just pop into Debenhams and buy one' :D
  • skintchick
    skintchick Posts: 15,114 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    I was single for ten years (yes, a whole decade) and was asked this a lot. It is very annoying.

    Why are you single?

    Answer: Why not?

    Or, when I was feeling especially fed up with being asked: I don;t need a man to validate my existence. Said in a cross voice!
    :cool: DFW Nerd Club member 023...DFD 9.2.2007 :cool:
    :heartpuls married 21 6 08 :A Angel babies' birth dates 3.10.08 * 4.3.11 * 11.11.11 * 17.3.12 * 2.7.12 :heart2: My live baby's birth date 22 7 09 :heart2: I'm due another baby at the end of July 2014! :j
  • Person_one wrote: »
    You know who I really feel for in this? Women who would really really love to be married and have children but it just hasn't happened for them. You can't click your fingers and have the perfect man appear in a puff of smoke!

    One of my good friends always wanted to be settled with her first child by 25, she's now closer to 30 and it just isn't happening. I've told her she should burst into tears and run away when people ask her why she hasn't settled yet, or insinuate that she's somehow at fault. She's already painfully aware of her biological clock, she doesn't need to be reminded of it by insensitive relatives!


    This is why it gets to me. My career is important to me but I have been broody since I was about 15 :eek: and, if I had met a man who shares my values and wanted to settle down by now, I would not have hesitated in marrying and starting a family. I certainly thought I would have been married at 23 and pregnant at 24, in someways I am glad I didn't marry and start a family so young, I have been through a lot both bad and good that would have been hard or impossible if I had a husband and children to factor into the equation. People wrongly assume I'm single because I'm selfish, stuck up or there is something abnormal going on and seem to want to drum it into me that being single is wrong. Maybe when I first posted, I should have explained this, that I'm single and I don't want to be and I am sick of these questions, that is why it upsets me. I don't need reminded of the fact something in my life isn't working..




    euronorris wrote: »
    It's horrid! All I wanted, when I was single, was to find a nice guy to settle down with and (in the future) have kids. So to have so many people just ask you outright, why you're single, it's like a kick in the teeth!

    I had one old friend (now more of an acquaintance) who married fairly young, as she met her OH at 17. Lucky her. I didn't meet mine until

    I was 25. She knew how much I wanted to settle down too, but it didn't stop her from saying 'Oh Euro, why are still single? When are you going to get married? You're too fussy, you are.' and giggling!!! :mad: The last time she did that, and suggested that I settle down with one of her hubby's friends, I told her just exactly why I wouldn't be dating this guy, and how hurtful her constant comments, questions and criticisms on the subject were! Don't tell me I'm too fussy because I don't want to settle down with a rude, self centred and arrogant pr1ck! Arghhh.

    Sorry, but it's just so insensitive! She never asked again after that.


    Oh my goodness. You are my twin. Don't get me started on the, he is single, you are single, OBVIOUSLY you should get married. People are currently trying to matchmake me with a 48 year old who lives with his mum and has a few issues just because he is the only single man they know. They just ignore the fact I feel zero attraction for him. Worse still they are encouraging him and he is getting to be a nuisance. If everything else doesn't put guys off me the fact I have a man old enough to be my Dad hanging around not letting anyone else get a word in edge ways most likely will.
  • dzug1
    dzug1 Posts: 13,535 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    lauroar wrote: »
    Urghh you can bet your bottom dollar that a man your age would be asked "How's work" or something of that ilk at the same point in the conversation.

    I can vouch for when you are in a relationship it only changes to "when are you getting married?"...usually when your partner is next to you...cue awkward shuffling.

    My somewhat dim memories of that age are that men got asked exactly the same sort of questions and found them just as intrusive.

    Maybe things have changed - but I suspect not.

    I learnt not to ask, but to listen.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,374 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    I'm lucky that i will only really see my family at xmas, and they know about the fact i split with my ex in summer so won't be asking questions (i hope). Though if they do pry i think i will have to not go into too much detail of the fun time i'm having haha ;)
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • I think the best answer is something that is polite and not a put down, even though often the question is asked as a put down.

    I have used the following:

    "I missed my big chance"

    "People say I am too chosey"

    "Still looking"
  • Women really seem to over think this stuff, or for some bizarre reason get snippy about being asked. It's a simple question with a simple answer. You're either not looking, or haven't met the right person yet. What's to get upset about?
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