Advice on rejecting men....

Lotus-eater

lostinrates wrote: »

I think, lotus there is a difference between a guy trying to chat up, and a guy who has a potty mouth and whose hands are undisciplined. tbh, beng chatted up on a quiet and empty night bus would often be uncomfortable, and part of being a decent guy (and there are plenty about) is possibly being a little sensitive to that and backing off quickly to not make soeone uncommfortable.

You're right, I mean I'm not a good looking girl, so I've never been bothered by men and women don't tend to do that, unless you're a really good looking bloke, which I am not

It must be horrible to be attracting the worst kind of attention all the time. Just, on my side, it's difficult to say hello to someone and just get a horrible stare and silence back, or "go away", or any of the other things talked about in the thread. Maybe I should change out of my backless leather chaps and get rid of the handcuffs from the belt? :rotfl:

I've never been on an empty night bus, but I would feel a little awkward in being the only other person with a female. In fact I would feel I'd have to say something to let her know I'm OK tbh.

People don't talk to people any more and I think it's a shame.

Mojisola

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Obviously I'm not defending any bad behaivior, but there aren't that many places a bloke is allowed to talk to women and chat them up any more, it's frowned at, at alot of work places, women are becoming generally alot more aggressive in pubs and well Tesco's is OK, but you're just as likely to be called a pervert for trying to have a discussion over the sage and onion balls, as not.

Also I'm not interested in meeting anyone, but I still like talking to people and why wouldn't I like talking to a good looking girl? Oh yes, because I'm automatically thought of as a wierdo. This may have something to do with the fact, that good looking women complain that no decent guys chat them up.

Just to balance it out a little.

I think there's usually quite a difference in the vibes between a casual chat because you're sitting by someone on a bus and the intensity of a pesterer who won't pick up on the signs that you don't want to engage with them.

I chat to people in shops and on public transport. If someone doesn't respond after the first approach or if they look uncomfortable, I leave it.

lostinrates

daska wrote: »

I grew up in central london and I'd reiterate what others have said about attitude. There's a reason why cities aren't overly friendly, it's called self protection, the nutters do spot the vulnerable ones and pick on them. Know exactly where you're going, make sure you have the option of running if necessary and speak up loudly if anyone makes a nuisance of themselves because, unfortunately, it's not always the case that people will involve themselves unless you make it clear that you're having problems. I'm sure London Transport are correct and that theft is the most common crime but I was regularly touched up and flashed at, it will happen, just a question of when. And both the busiest of tube carriages and the deserted passages afford the opportunity. I remember one journey where I was aware that a guy had his hand up what I thought was his girlfriends skirt and was rubbing furiously but, when I saw her face it was obvious that she was terrified and didn't know what to do. A simple, loud "Isn't this your stop?" to the guy made it clear he'd been rumbled and he promptly left the train. And to this day I'm not sure whether I did the right thing, the poor girl was extremely upset, as you would imagine, but almost as upset at someone else having spotted it as she was at it happening in the first place.

what a horribly sad story :eek:. thank good you DID step in


all I can say is I've never had anything stolen on public transport but I can't even begin to add up the times I've had inappropriate contact: and I never was a shrinking violet or someone who lacked confidence. transport police have been involved more than once.

my particular 'favourite' perv tactic, which no amount of body language repels, is the hand in the VERY crowded rush hour and the impassive face.....you juct can't tell whose hand it is. and it can be hard to get t your own backside or side of boob in the cruch to physically repel it and other people must feel the arm attached to the hand. when slightly more room I've often wished I carried a broach or something to stab with.

edit: one incident my DH was actually with me, and I felt in retrospect the guy was less a perv but actually trying to provoke an aggresive response from dh. so even travelling with someone doesn't offer total protection, and to a degree one has to just be a bit tough.

also, I always advocate having something rehearsed to say to disarm a flasher....it makes one feel more confident than just gawping or looing a bit embarrassed. but it shouldn't be antagonistic.

londonsurrey

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I've never been on an empty night bus, but I would feel a little awkward in being the only other person with a female. In fact I would feel I'd have to say something to let her know I'm OK tbh.

If you are concerned with reassuring a female in that situation, if possible, just sit at the furthest possible position away from her, and better still, at a distance in front of her. Attempt to not make eye contact.

You would be being the perfect gentleman, acting with utter consideration. It's more appreciated for you to be OTT in this direction rather than to make any sort of contact to reassure her.

londonsurrey

lostinrates wrote: »

I always advocate having something rehearsed to say to disarm a flasher....it makes one feel more confident than just gawping or looing a bit embarrassed. but it shouldn't be antagonistic.

I got flashed once. I was woken up to be faced with this young man flashing me. I think it was the sight of the tiniest male appendage I'd ever seen that failed to trigger any sort of alarm in me.

I was so incredulous at it being so unexpectedly small that I was struck dumb. I still don't know what I would have said, given the chance. :rotfl:

daska

londonsurrey wrote: »

I got flashed once. I was woken up to be faced with this young man flashing me. I think it was the sight of the tiniest male appendage I'd ever seen that failed to trigger any sort of alarm in me.

I was so incredulous at it being so unexpectedly small that I was struck dumb. I still don't know what I would have said, given the chance. :rotfl:

Maybe that's when you could reach into your bag while saying "hold on, I'm sure I have a magnifying glass in here somewhere"

lostinrates

londonsurrey wrote: »

I got flashed once. I was woken up to be faced with this young man flashing me. I think it was the sight of the tiniest male appendage I'd ever seen that failed to trigger any sort of alarm in me.

I was so incredulous at it being so unexpectedly small that I was struck dumb. I still don't know what I would have said, given the chance. :rotfl:

''gosh, that looks like a pr1ck , only smaller'' might suit in such a circumstance. I like ''that reminds me, must buy fly spray'' myself. Its not antagonistic and is enough to make the flasher think ''huh?''. A friend of mine decided to have some spike milligan line in her head that her dad liked, which she says she says in a funnier voice than the original...and hopes to convine the perv...flasher or hatever, she is more likely to be too much trouble.

Lotus-eater

londonsurrey wrote: »

If you are concerned with reassuring a female in that situation, if possible, just sit at the furthest possible position away from her, and better still, at a distance in front of her. Attempt to not make eye contact.

You would be being the perfect gentleman, acting with utter consideration. It's more appreciated for you to be OTT in this direction rather than to make any sort of contact to reassure her.

That would sound dodgy to me. What I do is say hello and smile when I get on, then sit in front of her if possible, so she can see me, but I'm not staring at her. Or I used to anyway on trains, haven't done a train in years.

But I take note of all of the recommendations on the thread.

lostinrates

Lotus-eater wrote: »

That would sound dodgy to me. What I do is say hello and smile when I get on, then sit in front of her if possible, so she can see me, but I'm not staring at her. Or I used to anyway on trains, haven't done a train in years.

But I take note of all of the recommendations on the thread.

the problem with that on a bus, is you put your self between her and the driver, and possibly her and the door. (depending on here you both are and the bus layout) keeping yourself to yourself is usually fine, looking away out of the window, or reading.

Most of us aren't idiots and accpet there are more normal men about than public transport gropers or worse.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't necessarily think that self-defense classes would be the best solution. But assertiveness training would be. It's all about the impression you give to strangers. Walking like you know absolutely where you're going, no checking out of the window to be sure you know when your stop is coming up on the bus. Pervs and predators can smell meekness as well as people who aren't familiar with their surroundings. And it's true what LIR said about what you say to a stranger who's giving you attention that you don't want: other travellers are extremely reluctant to involve themselves in what could be perceived as a lover's tiff.

Big cities can be scary to those who aren't used to them but fortunately the troublesome ones foisting their attention on the unwilling or uninterested are few and far between.

On the other hand I have had friendly chats with lots of people a couple of which I have met later for a drink but ONLY when I've been stone, cold sober at the time, when I've given no indication of where I really live, who I live with, haven't given my number to and have got off at a stop which was different to theirs even if it's not where I really live.