Advice on rejecting men....

Jinx

I need some advice to pass to my daughter ladies about rejecting men in the city....

Shes at Uni in London, a pretty 19 year old curves in all the right places. She travels by bus and tube for uni and work. Its public transport that she is mainly having an issue with. She seems to be magnetic to men that she wouldnt consider boyfriend material for whatever reason. The issue is getting rid of them without any conflict.

For example last night she was ignoring a guy who sat next to her in a near empty bus and because she wasnt responding, he decided to put his hand on her leg and was then offended when she loudly told him where to get off.

So what is the best advice? The last time I told her to be more forceful she said that you dont know who carries a knife, which is fair point. I live in the sticks in Scotland and appreciate London is a world apart. She has had some anxiety issues not re this but this is not helping at all.

Advice please on best approach/ wording...?

Many thanks
Jinx


So for 2015 - thanks to all who contributed to this thread with all their opinions and advice - it was especially good to hear personal recollections of those who deal with living and travelling in the city daily although all posts were read and appreciated by myself and my daughter. If it benefits anyone else, then fantastic!

After leaving Uni my daughter decided to leave London (don't think overall it was her happy place) though lives in a city still, which she loves. Shes now happy, confident and anxiety free which is all I wanted

Gillyx

If it's public transport a firm and quite loud "Please leave me alone" / "I'm not interested" so others around can hear is probably best, don't be aggressive or cheeky.

Otherwise I'd be inclined to say "sorry I have a boyfriend/fiance/husband" Even if it's not true.

Person_one

'Don't touch me!' firmly and loudly enough for people around to hear, and move away as much as possible. Getting closer to the driver or well within the CCTV is a good idea.

Most sexual harassers aren't carrying weapons and don't continue to pursue women who stand up for themselves, its easier for them to stick to harassing women who are more timid and easily embarrassed.

Getting your phone out and having your fingers hovering over the 9 can be a good deterrent, or having your keys to hand. If harassers follow her off the bus she should go straight into the nearest shop or cafe if there's one around or get back on the bus if not.

Jinx

Gillyx wrote: »

If it's public transport a firm and quite loud "Please leave me alone" / "I'm not interested" so others around can hear is probably best, don't be aggressive or cheeky.

Otherwise I'd be inclined to say "sorry I have a boyfriend/fiance/husband" Even if it's not true.

Good advice. Re the boyfriend bit, shes done that and it didnt stop him hitting on her - wonder if it was the wrong tone IYSWIM? Have also told her if the bus is empty sit on the outside seat!

Person_one

Jinx wrote: »

Good advice. Re the boyfriend bit, shes done that and it didnt stop him hitting on her - wonder if it was the wrong tone IYSWIM? Have also told her if the bus is empty sit on the outside seat!

The problem with 'I have a boyfriend' is that it implies that if she didn't he might be in with a chance, the boyfriend is the only barrier. I know I know, it makes no sense to a normal person but sexual harassers have a weird world view.

I spent 3 years getting night buses from central London back to the outskirts, it wasn't much fun!

RedBern

Get her to wear a wedding ring? Sit next to a woman on the bus, not on her own. Sit near the driver. Don't make eye contact. Read a magazine. Sad state of affairs.

Jinx

Person_one wrote: »

'Don't touch me!' firmly and loudly enough for people around to hear, and move away as much as possible. Getting closer to the driver or well within the CCTV is a good idea.

Most sexual harassers aren't carrying weapons and don't continue to pursue women who stand up for themselves, its easier for them to stick to harassing women who are more timid and easily embarrassed.

Getting your phone out and having your fingers hovering over the 9 can be a good deterrent, or having your keys to hand. If harassers follow her off the bus she should go straight into the nearest shop or cafe if there's one around or get back on the bus if not.

I think last night was the first time someone actually put his hand on her and she reacted as you mention above. I do wonder if ignoring them when they first speak to her is wrong, as in it then encourages them to carry on so she WILL speak......... what do you think?

Jinx

RedBern wrote: »

Get her to wear a wedding ring? Sit next to a woman on the bus, not on her own. Sit near the driver. Don't make eye contact. Read a magazine. Sad state of affairs.

I thought about this today! However if having a bf doesnt discourage, would a ring?

Its awful - I worry about the fact it stresses her out.

Gillyx

Jinx wrote: »

Good advice. Re the boyfriend bit, shes done that and it didnt stop him hitting on her - wonder if it was the wrong tone IYSWIM? Have also told her if the bus is empty sit on the outside seat!

Some people disgust me, honestly.

I guess all you can do is repeat what you're saying, more firmly. I know from being in this situation it doesn't always work though. Especially if in a situation where the advancer has been drinking or whatever.

I was in a pub a few months ago with friends, it was very early evening and a man I did not know would not leave me alone, and continued to touch my stomach of all places, I am pregnant and although not showing at the time, I felt extremely vulnerable and had to leave, because he would not stop pestering me despite my voice to leave me alone, and moving his hand away! :mad:

Person_one

Jinx wrote: »

I think last night was the first time someone actually put his hand on her and she reacted as you mention above. I do wonder if ignoring them when they first speak to her is wrong, as in it then encourages them to carry on so she WILL speak......... what do you think?

There's no surefire way to avoid harassment. I've even pretended to be asleep but had men shake me to 'wake me up'. I've tried headphones, reading, even reading a book in a foreign language so that I can pretend I don't speak English. Harassers don't want to read the signals you're giving out, they only care about their desire to interact with you, your feelings are irrelevant.

If she's a pretty young woman she will be harassed, its not her fault, its not something she's doing wrong, its not a signal she's accidentally giving out. The only thing she can do is react in a way that keeps her safe.

BitterAndTwisted

One way is for her to stand and move away after a "Please leave me alone and go away!" hasn't worked. Preferably to go and sit next to another woman.

Other people will help as long as she makes it clear that these strangers are frightening her.