Advice on rejecting men....

garfield33

I've attracted the odd train and bus nutter in my time, but they tend not to be intimidating, just bizarre.
I've had some lovely chats on public transport too, totally depends on the person.

Gigs and nightclubs are worse, and as other posters have stated, it really doesn't matter what you are wearing. Ignoring them sometimes works, other times this results in being called stuck up, frigid, lesbian... One man's wandering hand ended up twisted behind his back after he wouldn't leave my friend alone - the bouncer did tell me off for that but then winked afterwards.

Slightly off topic -
Not quite the same thing or level of severity... but can we ban people from saying to strangers "cheer up love, it might never happen!!" or "give us a smile!!"

I'm sure some people mean well (I'm also sure some don't, like the group of 3 men who crossed the road specifically to say this to me), but it has the opposite effect - I go from being perfectly fine to annoyed!! I can't help it if my natural facial expression isn't a dazzling grin but I'm not going to fake it while I'm walking around town or sitting on the bus.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

This is just practical, as apposed to how things should be in an ideal world.

I lock the car up before I leave it. If I didn't and it was stolen, I would be held partly to blame for leaving it unprotected.

It is even more important to keep myself safe which, as lostinrates says, doesn't mean locking yourself away or wearing a sack.

You know, comparing an attack on a person with theft from a car is offensive and pretty much the definition of objectifying women's bodies.

londonsurrey

reheat wrote: »

To DD. You're a nice person who does not want to be rude to people - lovely to hear. But it may be causing you to also appear friendly in situations you don't quite mean to. Took me many years to understand why some attractive women just seemed a bit haughty/unfriendly ... I think it's just if they don't they end up with the aggro you are getting! I suspect there are simply times you really must totally blank a man. Not in the actively unfriendly 'who do think you are looking at me way', but in the neutral 'I don't know you are there' way. Just a thought.

This reminds me of my friend - she was a sound engineer who travelled a lot with gigs. One gig was in Italy, with a major artist. Because of the fame of the artist, lots of fans volunteered to help.

The venue was an ice rink. The lucky selected fans were used to hold open the various doors. My friend felt really sorry for these poor fans, who ended up as essentially unpaid door stops. Lol.

So anyhow, she acknowledged them by smiling and thanking them when they held a door open. It seemed the perfectly courteous thing to do.


Imagine her surprise when she went back to her hotel room in the early hours of the morning, shattered from the gig, to find a few young men pushing and shoving each other outside her room.

Apparently, her smiles had been universally translated into "You're in, mate", and these were the young men who had managed to find her hotel room (there were more, but presumably these were the most enterprising). LOL.

It finally dawned on her why those other rude women around were sailing past the human doorstops without a word of thanks and snootily refusing to acknowledge them. :rotfl:

ThinkingOfLinking

I used to wear a wedding ring to deter men (cheapo, about £20 from Argos). However, one time this man came up to me regardless and I held up my hand to show the ring, saying "I'm married"...he then said "But he wouldn't have to know"..... Some men are a bit harder to get rid of!!

londonsurrey

Flickering_Ember wrote: »

I used to wear a wedding ring to deter men (cheapo, about £20 from Argos). However, one time this man came up to me regardless and I held up my hand to show the ring, saying "I'm married"...he then said "But he wouldn't have to know"..... Some men are a bit harder to get rid of!!

:rotfl: They do try it on, don't they, these chancers? And they rely on us being nice polite girlies as opposed to replying with a swift kick to where it would solve both his and her problems.

ThinkingOfLinking

londonsurrey wrote: »

:rotfl: They do try it on, don't they, these chancers? And they rely on us being nice polite girlies as opposed to replying with a swift kick to where it would solve both his and her problems.

There was also a guy who I just completely blanked and he then started calling me a "Polish b1tch" and telling me to eff off back to my own country etc...I'm English and decided to give it to him both barrels...:rotfl:

I_try

I had a spate of being harassed on the bus when I was 18-19. Different men, same method - not a word said, just sat down next to me, put their hands on their lap then gradually slid their hand across onto my leg. I must have looked more timid or velnerable than I was . I found a very loud "Are you going to take your hand OFF my leg?" worked a treat. It attracted a lot of attention from the other passengers, the men moved their hand very quickly whilst mumbling something along the lines of "I wasn't touching you" or " I didn't mean to" and promptly got off at the next stop.

January20

Mojisola wrote: »

The original post wasn't about deterring men who were chatting her up, it was about inappropriate touching. Saying that if a man touched you would be alright if he was good looking is sending a very mixed message!

I see you point - and I agree with it actually if you are looking at the problem like this!

lostinrates wrote: »

It's not women's fault it happens, but it is our responsibility to keep our selves safe. It is us who live with consequences, often more than perpetrators, and while I wouldn't shut myself up in a tower to avoid it, minimising myself as a target seems wise to me.

Yes, but catch 22 isn't it? I agree that women should keep themselves safe but saying it is their responsibility therefore implies it's not a man's fault and then as you say, it is women less that the perpetrators that suffer the consequences, and men who offend do not get punish nearly as often as they should, or as severely as they should, and their defence would often be that the women didn't behave or dress appropriately, even if it is absolutely not true! Mindsets have to change!

Mojisola

January20 wrote: »

Yes, but catch 22 isn't it? I agree that women should keep themselves safe but saying it is their responsibility therefore implies it's not a man's fault and then as you say, it is women less that the perpetrators that suffer the consequences, and men who offend do not get punish nearly as often as they should, or as severely as they should, and their defence would often be that the women didn't behave or dress appropriately, even if it is absolutely not true! Mindsets have to change!

Attitudes have changed a lot since I was younger but there is still a way to go. There always will be some people - male and female - who think that any women wearing less than full-length skirts and long-sleeved tops is flaunting herself.

But, as some experiences mentioned on this thread show, sexual predators aren't always fussy about what a woman is wearing: some are looking for someone who looks a bit vulnerable, others don't care are long as the target is female.

euronorris

Flickering_Ember wrote: »

There was also a guy who I just completely blanked and he then started calling me a "Polish b1tch" and telling me to eff off back to my own country etc...I'm English and decided to give it to him both barrels...:rotfl:

I pushed a guy's hand away from my *rse once, gave him the death stare, and told him to keep his hands to himself. He reacted by telling me he wasn't interested, and I was an ugly, stuck up !!!!!.

Me: Riiiight....that's why your hand was on my *rse then?

Him: *lots of shouting and swearing and moving closer towards me*

His friends, thankfully, pulled him away at this point and apologised for his behaviour. (think I had a lucky escape there)

Bl00dy scary how quickly a person can turn on you like that! And that was a fairly busy pub, so some of these people have no shame and don't give a monkeys about what anyone else thinks of the behaviour!