In-Law help!

Nicki

Kaz2904 wrote: »

I would do what you both want to do but would not let your DH drag your little one out of the house at 5pm. He's going to be really tired by then and is likely to start getting fractious.
In response to a PP who thinks this behaviour is excusable because your MiL has had cancer, I don't think it is at all. If it was entirely new behaviour linked with the illness then it would perhaps be understandable but from what you say, she/they've always been like it. Also, it's very easy to lay the guilt card of what if she's dead next year but on the other hand, what if she lives for the next 50 years? Do you really want this to go on and on with no change? I didn't think so.
Good luck and have a wonderful Christmas whatever you end up doing

My understanding from the OP was that up until this year everything was fine with the in laws except that FIL was a chauvinist pig, and that all of the problems began in the last year. Hence the suggestion that the cancer, if fairly recent, may well have a bearing.

We used to go and see our in laws every weekend, just for tea for a few hours, no probs apart from my fil being the biggest chauvinist/sexist/racist/ageist man on the planet....:eek: Just used to tune him out.

Over the past year it dwindled to us going over once a month. We'd call to see if we could pop and see them (and they could see their grandson) 9 times out of 10 mil is working (she runs a social club and waitresses) Straight away the answer is blunt ''no you cant im working'' fair enough.....

Kaz2904

Yes but they've always been the ones who've had to go and see the in-laws which is one of OP's problems.

victory

January20 wrote: »

OP, you have set a pattern there of they say "jump" and your OH (and you by default) just say "how high". Might be time to change things and start thinking about what is best for your and you son.

That is what I was going to say, it is a pattern over the years, everyon knows the part they play in it, everyone expects no more, it is much harder to change the mix than just to put up with it and it so needs changing, have you asked your son where and what he actually wants to do on xmas day?

clearing_out_my_pockets

OP, this may not be much help to you, but what we do is:

We have our parents on a 'rota system' this year we visit my parents on Christmas Eve and his on
Boxing Day. Next year it'll be the other way around. Christmas Day we stay at home. Just us. If parents want to visit, they can, but christmas day is about our new family (although it is just the two of us - we want to set a precedence for when we have kids). We then have everyone round to ours on New Year's Day.

It's not realistic to split your day up into four - someone somewhere is going to feel shortchanged.

*Louise*

**dancingbutterfly** wrote: »

Thanks very much for everyone's replies!


Nice to know Im not being unreasonable with this. Oh is trying to get me to agree to going round to they're's at 5 on xmas day. after ive cooked dinner here, been to my dads (very briefly) then been to my mums........sigh

It just really !!!!s me off that we try and make the effort with them and they have the cheek to say ''why dont you come and see us?, we dont see our grandson much anymore'' grrrrr!

But it could be a lot worse in the grand scheme of things!

Don't do it!!

Once more you will be bowing to their will and you will never break the cycle.

And next time they complain they never see their grandson, politely inform them that they know where you stay, they can arrange to visit any time.

Seanymph

or say 'yes, it's such a shame you have been too busy to visit, perhaps next week you'll be able to find the time'.

Smile and wave, smile and wave.

basscadette

I think you're being very reasonable actually offering to go at all on xmas day. Can't bear my in-laws (well, FIL is okay, step-mother in law, ughhh). This year we are going on the 27th - and I'm only going because my husband would get very upset if I refused! If I had my way I owuldn;t see them at all.

Why not do what we did when I was little - xmas day = family day@home, boxing day =grandparents visiting day??

They will expect you to go to them though - my parents are lovely and even they think it's the kids responsibility to visit rather than the other way round.

newcook

basscadette wrote: »

They will expect you to go to them though - my parents are lovely and even they think it's the kids responsibility to visit rather than the other way round.

I think this is a generation thing - when I was growing up me and my brother (and our cousins) were taken to see our grandparents, there were very few occassions that they came to us.
when I have kids it will be expected that I take mine to see my mom etc however, I wouldn't do it xmas day (and it wouldnt be expected) unless I was either going for lunch or they lived very local!

my friends and their families are the same.

Lara44

**dancingbutterfly** wrote: »

Hi guys,
We used to go and see our in laws every weekend, just for tea for a few hours, no probs apart from my fil being the biggest chauvinist/sexist/racist/ageist man on the planet....:eek: Just used to tune him out.

Over the past year it dwindled to us going over once a month. We'd call to see if we could pop and see them (and they could see their grandson) 9 times out of 10 mil is working (she runs a social club and waitresses) Straight away the answer is blunt ''no you cant im working'' fair enough.

Hi, I just wondered why the weekly visits got less - was it because your MIL started working extra hours? I wonder if they have got the wrong end of the stick and thought that you weren't as interested anymore?

I agree with Nicki that there is some other subtext here. Perhaps a mis-match in expectations that sometimes happens around family illness? In some families attitude to illness is quite different - whether you maybe were expected to stay away to allow time for recovery or expected to be much more involved?

I understand your frustration OP, and I am not saying your in-laws are in the right. But I guess it's up to you to decide whether you'd like to invest more in fixing this relationship, or prefer to let things dwindle as they have been doing. What does your OH think? Is he being a 'wet lettuce' so as not offend you?

MentalMinnie

My in-laws live in NI, and keep asking about us going over there for Xmas, however my mum has no one else and is unable to travel, so I have so far refused. Besides, they are retired and have plenty of money so can afford to travel to us. I've already said to OH that once we have a family there will be no carting little ones back and forth. Xmas is about children, and I feel that they should be allowed to spend the day at home with all there new toys etc. I used to hate being dragged out to visit the rellies.