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In-Law help!
Comments
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Personally I would stay at home. You have a child - once you have a child christmas becomes about them, and you dont' have to go anywhere. You invite people, but you get to stay at home, he gets to wear his christmas pj's all day and you play the games he got for christmas and lay on the floor with him and watch Elf and eat too many roses and if anyone wants to come watch you watching that then that's fine.
Brilliant! That's exactly what I wanted to say, but I couldn't think of a way to say it. Same in our house. Since the one time we were invited to FIL's for Xmas dinner, we turned up at 1, turkey hadn't even been put in the oven, the table was set for 4 (to include my deceased MIL...), there were no presents, and the tV was not allowed on.
As soon as we got our own place we told my parents and FIL that we would NOT be leaving our house on Xmas day, but they were welcome to join us. I think it is very important for children to be at home, as perfectly described above. Being dragged around in the cold, having had no or little opportunity to open their presents and enjoy them is unlikely to be fun.
OP, if I were you I would tell everyone you are staying at home Xmas day from now on!0 -
Me and my fella don't have any kids, but we stay home at Christmas nonetheless. We are both working full time, I am studying alongside work, and most of my holiday time is allocated to studying. None of our rellies live nearby. Last Christmas we ran all over the country in the space of a few days to make sure everyone was fitted in, and everyone complained they hadn't seen enough of us because we had to be up the next day to go to the next family (both sets of parents are divorced!) OH's brother did the same last year with his 2 kids, and they were just wretched with tiredness and cranky as hell by the time they got to the end of the period, and OH's parents complained that the kids were uninterested, tired and cranky.....you get the picture. The kids would have been better off at home, but of course OH's parents expect that people will come to them at Christmas, his Mum does not like driving and his Dad always says that his kids are better off than he is so they should do the travelling.
This year we have arranged visits to the rellies on the weekends leading up to Christmas so we can have a nice time at home by ourselves, and his bro is doing the same. It's proving much easier
and it means that OH's nephew and niece can enjoy Christmas with their Mum and Dad and their pressies and the dogs and not have to be dragged halfway round the country.
What I'm saying is....it's not unreasonable to stay home and invite family to join you, then the ball is in their court.Car loan £4500 - paid off early July 2013
Personal loan £4000 - paid off early June 2013
Credit card debt of £400 remaining - nearly there!0 -
Whats the background with MIL's cancer though? Did she maybe need a lot of time off work, so they are now very short of money/have money problems and she is working hard to try to regain lost ground? So when you call and say you would like to come round, she is genuinely working not making an excuse, and perhaps a bit snappy because she'd rather be spending time with the grandchild. And when they didn't turn up for meals could she have been feeling very unwell, maybe in the aftermath of chemo. Yes they should have called to cancel, but on the other hand they were going through a majorly stressful time with her struggling with a terminal illness and maybe they felt as you were family you would understand.
She had stage 1 breast cancer, a very very small tumour, was removed and she had radiotherapy. No need for chemo. They are rolling in money, they have both had massive inheritances over the past few years and lived rent free for years. She loves working she works all the time. when they didn't arrive for the meal my oh rang them and the first thing they said was 'dont start'!!! the explanation being 'your dad is in a mood'!!
When you say, she beat it in January, do you mean she got her FIRST clear check up, or the final all clear (which I think comes after 5 or maybe now 10 consecutive clear years)? Because if it was just her first clear check up, she is still in a very dangerous place, and frankly if this time next year she was dead, or in agony towards the end of her life, would the current upset over Christmas arrangments be in the least bit important, and would you have any regrets about how this Christmas was spent?
She had stage 1, no chemo, she's had her first all clear. She is in her early 60s. Yes all my oh can say at the moment is ''I just want to keep the peace'' but im fed up of being expected to bend over backwards for them while we get nothing in return. Oh just wants to go to they'res as we're popping into my mums for an hour or 2 at 3pm. He says 'if we're going to your mums we're going to mine!' yes but my mum cares and calls and visits....basscadette wrote: »I think you're being very reasonable actually offering to go at all on xmas day. Can't bear my in-laws (well, FIL is okay, step-mother in law, ughhh). This year we are going on the 27th - and I'm only going because my husband would get very upset if I refused! If I had my way I owuldn;t see them at all.
Why not do what we did when I was little - xmas day = family day@home, boxing day =grandparents visiting day??
They will expect you to go to them though - my parents are lovely and even they think it's the kids responsibility to visit rather than the other way round.
Your right 'they expect' they're so old fashioned and think the world revolves around them
Hi, I just wondered why the weekly visits got less - was it because your MIL started working extra hours? I wonder if they have got the wrong end of the stick and thought that you weren't as interested anymore?
I agree with Nicki that there is some other subtext here. Perhaps a mis-match in expectations that sometimes happens around family illness? In some families attitude to illness is quite different - whether you maybe were expected to stay away to allow time for recovery or expected to be much more involved?
I understand your frustration OP, and I am not saying your in-laws are in the right. But I guess it's up to you to decide whether you'd like to invest more in fixing this relationship, or prefer to let things dwindle as they have been doing. What does your OH think? Is he being a 'wet lettuce' so as not offend you?
We were and are always interested in them. Our son loves seeing them I just get really fed up of us making all the effort. Her cancer did not change the dynamic, my oh says they've always been like this. His father is an ex army sargeant, very hard and regimental on oh and his brother when they were growing up. So much so, my oh rebelled pretty bad became a heavy drug user and had as little to do with them as possible from the age of 16 to 21..
Oh is really fed up now, with me and his parents. He justs wants to please everyone apart from me. He wants to go there on xmas day at 5, end of.
He understands where im coming from and how frustrated i am. He'd do anything for a quiet life though!
Part of the problem I think is that they have a lot of money and have always thrown money at us/oh/son trying to 'solve the problem' they dont show their love in words or affection. They throw money at us, thinking that even though we're both very stressed with work for example, have £50 I dont want to hear about it anymore!
We dont want the money, we want grandparents for our boy!
Which Is why I think they expect us to go to them as they'll have spent a lot of money on oh and our son (not me, im never seen as an equal! its not about the money though!)
Thank you so so much for everyones comments!0 -
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I put my foot down two years ago with regards to xmas i told my sister in no uncertain terms i was no longer dragging the kids out of the house away from their new toys to go to hers as we had for the previous 5 years.
She was really upset and it caused massive ructions but i stuck to my guns and now two years on we have a fab xmas at home and i am so glad i put my foot down.
I cannot believe how many people dread xmas as they feel they have to please everyone else and spend the day going back and forth, to me xmas day is the one day i please myself, my DH and our children!!
We now have a big boxing day or day after family get together instead xI don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.0 -
**dancingbutterfly** wrote: »She had stage 1, no chemo, she's had her first all clear. She is in her early 60s. Yes all my oh can say at the moment is ''I just want to keep the peace'' but im fed up of being expected to bend over backwards for them while we get nothing in return. Oh just wants to go to they'res as we're popping into my mums for an hour or 2 at 3pm. He says 'if we're going to your mums we're going to mine!' yes but my mum cares and calls and visits....
Your right 'they expect' they're so old fashioned and think the world revolves around them
We were and are always interested in them. Our son loves seeing them I just get really fed up of us making all the effort. Her cancer did not change the dynamic, my oh says they've always been like this. His father is an ex army sargeant, very hard and regimental on oh and his brother when they were growing up. So much so, my oh rebelled pretty bad became a heavy drug user and had as little to do with them as possible from the age of 16 to 21..
Oh is really fed up now, with me and his parents. He justs wants to please everyone apart from me. He wants to go there on xmas day at 5, end of.
He understands where im coming from and how frustrated i am. He'd do anything for a quiet life though!
Part of the problem I think is that they have a lot of money and have always thrown money at us/oh/son trying to 'solve the problem' they dont show their love in words or affection. They throw money at us, thinking that even though we're both very stressed with work for example, have £50 I dont want to hear about it anymore!
We dont want the money, we want grandparents for our boy!
Which Is why I think they expect us to go to them as they'll have spent a lot of money on oh and our son (not me, im never seen as an equal! its not about the money though!)
Thank you so so much for everyones comments!
You cannot change the way they are.
You can only change your expectations of them.
Having cancer is very traumatic. She is still living with the shadow of cancer.
Have either of you talked to your MIL about how she is & how she is feeling & her hopes & fears?
Have you tried talking to her about spending time with your son?Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.0 -
Well, your OH has let them get away with it for a long time, and they sit there feeling terribly important because everyone buzzes around them. I suspect that they know if they didn't fuss the younger one he'd !!!!!! off and be a bit more independent. Your OH however they get positive responses from by neglecting.
Your OH, for his part, has obviously taken the easy road as a matter of course because, well, let's face it, with parents like that it makes it easy. And you've done the same, so he doesn't get to be a wet lettuce because you are no better.
You have allowed these people to bully you, bully your husband, and bully your son. And they do it because it makes them feel important - and if you stop the dynamic they like you know full well they'll do 'hurt victim' to make you feel guilty and manipulate you back into line.
Personally I would stay at home. You have a child - once you have a child christmas becomes about them, and you dont' have to go anywhere. You invite people, but you get to stay at home, he gets to wear his christmas pj's all day and you play the games he got for christmas and lay on the floor with him and watch Elf and eat too many roses and if anyone wants to come watch you watching that then that's fine.
I get you dont' want to make a stand - and nor would I - whilst I know you put the history to give everyone and insight into how awful they are I would stick point blank to one day at a time with them and work on retraining yourself in your dealings with them.
This year, stay at home - phone everyone and say that you've talked about it as a couple and you want to make the day extra special for your son, in your own home, and cooking your own dinner. Tell his parents they can call before the pub if they want and watch their grandson opening the presents. Tell yours they can come for lunch or dinner - and tell them what the other one is doing and they can either leave in time or face each other and be polite - and if they aren't just a quiet 'not in front of my son, I won't side with anyone, if you are both to be here you need to be civil' will do.
But stop stop stop putting yourself out for everyone else, look at your littley, focus on him, and spend the day enjoying him, it's what it's all about.
Thank you seanymph.
This is what I really want to do. Just spoke to my boy and he wants to go and see everyone he said he wants to go and open his presents from all grandparents....
I cant win!0 -
You cannot change the way they are.
You can only change your expectations of them.
Having cancer is very traumatic. She is still living with the shadow of cancer.
Have either of you talked to your MIL about how she is & how she is feeling & her hopes & fears?
Have you tried talking to her about spending time with your son?
Oh always asks how she is. She always says fine, they dont 'talk' in they're family. I know that sounds strange but I found it so odd when we used to go for dinner, there would be mostly silence at the table, then after dinner would be spent 3 foot from the television.
oh has promised me that tonight he will ring and say ''my bro said you said you dont see our son much anymore, you know your always welcome around here'' I tried to get him to say other things but he wont. He thinks it will cause a massive argument and they wont speak to us.
Tbh he really cant be bothered to say or do anything
Id love to just call her and have a nice chat...but he wont let me...0 -
**dancingbutterfly** wrote: »Oh always asks how she is. She always says fine, they dont 'talk' in they're family. I know that sounds strange but I found it so odd when we used to go for dinner, there would be mostly silence at the table, then after dinner would be spent 3 foot from the television.
oh has promised me that tonight he will ring and say ''my bro said you said you dont see our son much anymore, you know your always welcome around here'' I tried to get him to say other things but he wont. He thinks it will cause a massive argument and they wont speak to us.
Tbh he really cant be bothered to say or do anything
Id love to just call her and have a nice chat...but he wont let me...
Why not?...Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.0 -
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