In-Law help!

**dancingbutterfly**

Hi guys,



prepare yourselves, this may be a long one!

Background:
im 26, hubby is 33, we've been together for 8 years and have one 6 yo son. Hubby has one younger brother and our son is the only grandchild.

We used to go and see our in laws every weekend, just for tea for a few hours, no probs apart from my fil being the biggest chauvinist/sexist/racist/ageist man on the planet....:eek: Just used to tune him out.

Over the past year it dwindled to us going over once a month. We'd call to see if we could pop and see them (and they could see their grandson) 9 times out of 10 mil is working (she runs a social club and waitresses) Straight away the answer is blunt ''no you cant im working'' fair enough.

Every time my oh rings them the first thing they say (after hello) is ''what do you want?'' which must be quite upsetting for oh and really angers me.

We have lived in this house since march and they have never been over once. Both drive so they cant use that excuse and they usually have 2 days off in the week each.

We have invited them, even worse, they say yes we'll come over for dinner then they wont turn up!!! Which makes me go chuffin mental but my oh just lets it go. He wont even ring and ask what the flips going on!

The only time they ever telephone this house is when they want my oh to do something with their car. (he's a mechanic) Which must make my oh feel terrible and gets my blood boiling (as you may have guessed!)

Oh is a very gentle, sweet, laid back man who would do anything for them. Therefore he wont call them just to ask what's the problem?!

Today they have actually had the cheek to say to my oh's brother ''we dont see (their grandson) much anymore''!!!

What I cant understand is why cant they make an effort with us?!

Why is it always us that has to go to them? that calls them? Why do they show such little care over they're son and only grandchild?

Mil beat breast cancer in jan this year and rang us so few times to let us know how she was. We'd always ring and leave messages, rarely they were returned.

The inlaws are polar opposites with their other son. mil takes him food shopping every week! still washes his clothes, pays for so so many bills for him. He's only 3 years younger than my oh!

Yesterday they took him shopping for the day. They have never asked us and whenver we've asked them they've always let us down.

Now it may look like I might be the problem lol! But I always keep these feelings to myself, they dont know how I feel about the situation.

They're very old fashioned and dont talk about their feelings/worries etc. It's all hushed under the dinner table, the total opposite of me and my family!

Christmas is such a big problem coordinating seeing my separated parents and them. We have never had xmas dinner in our own house, we have always gone to them. I put my foot down this year as I am fed up of leaving the house at 8.30 xmas morning! :eek:

We said we would come at 10.30, xmas day, then leave at 1. However as fil goes to the pub this is not an option, I am serving our dinner at 2 and going to my mums at 3.30 which leaves us no time. Its getting very
stressful now trying to please everyone

I want to see the family but want my son to have xmas in his own house and create some memories here. I suggested they come to us xmas day which was met with ''no chance''.....

Am I being unreasonable with my views on this whole thing? Id like to get other people's perspective on this.

Do I just bite the bullet and agree to whatever they say about xmas day? ruining my plans?

Do I, keep calling them, keep going to see them? Like they obviously expect. Or am I being reasonable in saying they should call/come here sometime?


I am so so sorry this is so long. But It has helped me to get it all off my chest.

db x

4nnabella

How does your OH feel? They're his parents after all...

**dancingbutterfly**

He is in agreement with me, but is too much of a wet lettuce to say anything to them.

Im not after a row, just a chat...

Saint_Chris

HI

been there done that got the t-shirt..........................do what u want to do.

You've done your bit over the years, put your foot down and have a family christmas at home, but give a open invitation to people to call in, if they are anything like mine they won't.

hubby went a family funeral today, and his parents was there, they gave him our christmas cards, we live 3 stops away on the bus. x

poorly_scammo

I'd be saying balls to them. You seem to have made all the effort and their comment of 'no chance' would have had me fuming.

One tip: don't say anything to them yourself. They're not your parents and in my experience, you'll be painted as the devil if you speak for your husband.

I also think that your husband needs to stop pandering to them by going over to fix their car whenever they want.

**dancingbutterfly**

scammo your so right! I'd love to have a little chat with them but like you say it wont end well! I just want them to know how we're feeling.

They let our son down a lot too. They say 'we'll come and take him out for the day'' son gets really excited, day comes no in laws...very very infuriating!

thanks for everyone's thoughts.

4nnabella

Sounds like they're a bit set in their ways though. A chat is likely to fall on deaf ears.

I don't think you're necessarily being unreasonable. It all sounds rather stressful.

If it was me in your shoes I would be tempted to have Christmas the way I wanted. In my own home, making memories for my son. I would make it clear to the in-laws that they're more than welcome to visit, especially seeing as they have transport but that you will be doing your own thing this year. I'm sure they won't like it, and will moan to your OH's brother about it no end, but maybe you need to do something to break the cycle...

McKneff

**dancingbutterfly** wrote: »

He is in agreement with me, but is too much of a wet lettuce to say anything to them.

Im not after a row, just a chat...

:eek: cant believe you are speaking about your OH with so much disrespect, I feel sorry for him, he's between a rock and a hard place. !!!!!!.

If I was male and my OH called me a wet lettuce I would think well she doesnt think very much of me and I would be very very hurt, you should be ashamed of yourself hurting some one who loves you. If you think so little of him why do you stay.

*Louise*

Hang on you have offered to go over from 10.30 till 1?

Sorry but if my child's grandparents considered the pub more important then I wouldn't be running rings round myself to please them.

You have a hard enough job fitting in 3 visits, it wouldn't take much for them to come and go a little. I would simply say 'that's the only time we have, sorry it doesn't suit, feel free to visit on Boxing day/other suitable day.


They are doing this to you because you let them. OH obviously isn't going to stand up to them, it's time you did - no one is saying you have to be horrible about it, just stop letting them push you both to suit them

poorly_scammo

**dancingbutterfly** wrote: »

They say 'we'll come and take him out for the day'' son gets really excited, day comes no in laws...very very infuriating!

Poor little lad. Letting adults down is bad enough but letting down a child like that seems cruel.

I'd adopt the 'you know where we are if you want us' attitude. I think some will disagree with that but if they can't make the effort I don't see why you should.

**dancingbutterfly**

4nnabella wrote: »

Sounds like they're a bit set in their ways though. A chat is likely to fall on deaf ears.

I don't think you're necessarily being unreasonable. It all sounds rather stressful.

If it was me in your shoes I would be tempted to have Christmas the way I wanted. In my own home, making memories for my son. I would make it clear to the in-laws that they're more than welcome to visit, especially seeing as they have transport but that you will be doing your own thing this year. I'm sure they won't like it, and will moan to your OH's brother about it no end, but maybe you need to do something to break the cycle...

That is exactly what I want to do. My husband wants to see them at some point during the day. But they have no time to fit us in because of the pub/dinner etc....

thanks for your reply.