becoming skint!!! advice welcome :-)

claire16c

jclm wrote: »

i don't really know why we didn't/don't get a joint bank account or do joint savings. everything's been such a rush since the baby arrived so i suppose it seems such a hassle. what would the benefits of a joint bank account be? also does it sound wrong that i would like some savings of my own?

hubby is just stingey and likes being frugal. he is paying a lot into his pension so perhaps most of his money is going there. we also pay about £250 each per month for childcare (we do the vouchers).

i'm not sure why we are so poor (!) but there is no way we could afford a foreign holiday (though we are going away just after xmas, leaving the baby at my parents and staying in premier inn for £100 for 5 nights :D:D)

How can you not afford a foreign holiday with that type of income? unless you live in some kind of mansion perhaps? Hes literally earnings thousands every month - where is it going? Do you not ever see his bank statements?

Have a look on this website and put in your DHs wages. Even with a pension contribution of 10%, it still says he takes home £3367 a month after tax and NI.

http://listentotaxman.com/index.php

The benefits of a joint bank account would be that you would have access to all the money that you have both contributed. You wouldnt be using up your savings and you wouldnt feel like this.

I dont think theres anything wrong in each having your own savings (as long as theres no secrets about them as that suggests a problem). But isnt there anything you want to save up for together?
Or just an emergency fund?

£250 for childcare is pretty good. Some people pay that per week. You really arent poor at all. The only thing I can think of is that your DH has a load of money stashed away that you dont know about, or he has a massive debt you dont know about.

shelley_crow

It isn't an arrangement I would ever live with tbh. Unless you have a real compulsive spending habit (no saying you have) or your husband is hiding a problem as outlined in the post above, his behaviour is very odd.

I wonder how far his earnings would go if you went back to work full time after baby 2 is born? Childcare x 2, plus a cleaner unless he is willing to split the housework with you. When you say that you brought nothign to the marriage, are those his words or yours?

jclm_2

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Sorry to be brutal but I think your husband sees MUG written across your forehead. You need to have a real, frank, sit down discussion with him. 50/50 is NOT normal in a family with children. I'd show him this thread.

I would be pointing out things like how much childcare would cost if you worked full time, how much a cook, cleaner etc would cost if you didn't do it (assuming you do!), how much the CSA would take for HIS child if you split up and so on (I'm sure you can think of others).

Then you can agree how much money you are both happy to spend/save each month. Go through your entire budget.

TBH I can only hope you are trolling as I am appalled by your husband's behaviour.

By the way, are you sure he is saving and not hiding a gambling, alcohol, drug habit?

yeah, i'm 100% sure hubby's not a gambler or druggie (though he does like red wine he buys the cheapest!).

my financial situation is finally dawning on me because last year the government paid me 2 months maternity pay too much by accident and i presume they'll want me to pay it back at some stage. i've got no savings to pay it back with, and will soon be on another maternity leave and then my job will come to an end (as it's a temporary contract) and i'm wondering how i'll manage... i see that other families do have the joint bank accounts but my parents never did this. i'm not sure what all my friends do but i'm going to ask them.

Plans_all_plans

leanneq wrote: »

I wouldn't risk losing this for anyone and no matter how much I love someone I will still protect what I had before. However, if he didn't have anything then I would do my utmost to protect what I came into the relationship with.
Please don't be concerned that how he is with his money has any judgement on his love for you.

I suppose it depends on how you view this sort of thing though and also on how you saw your parents work things out. To me, it would be a massive trust issue and a dealbreaker.

Before getting married, we discussed how we'd run the finances. If we couldn't agree on this (or other issues) then I wouldn't have married him and would have ended the relationship.

If someone didn't love and trust me enough when they married me to put everything in one pot, then they wouldn't be the person for me, I can guarantee it because our attitudes would be too different.

Thankfully, in neither mine nor my husband's large extended families there has never been a divorce and everyone has been married for at least 20 years, so I suppose 'protecting what we had' has never entered our psyches. I can accept that hardly anyone these days has this experience in their families, so some may be more cautious, but I would never be with a man earning 65k who made me struggle on 18k, nor would I be happy to do anything else other than share our money.

leanneq

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I suppose it depends on how you view this sort of thing though and also on how you saw your parents work things out. To me, it would be a massive trust issue and a dealbreaker.

Before getting married, we discussed how we'd run the finances. If we couldn't agree on this (or other issues) then I wouldn't have married him and would have ended the relationship.

If someone didn't love and trust me enough when they married me to put everything in one pot, then they wouldn't be the person for me, I can guarantee it because our attitudes would be too different.

Thankfully, in neither mine nor my husband's large extended families there has never been a divorce and everyone has been married for at least 20 years, so I suppose 'protecting what we had' has never entered our psyches. I can accept that hardly anyone these days has this experience in their families, so some may be more cautious, but I would never be with a man earning 65k who made me struggle on 18k, nor would I be happy to do anything else other than share our money.

You'll probably be surprised to hear that my parents have been married for 40 years and have always had joint finances!
It's not about that to me. For me, if I married someone with nothing then I would protect what I would be putting into the marriage. My point is more about what he brought to the relationship as opposed to the earnings now. I'm not sure I'd have my finances all in one pot but there certainly needs to be some sort of equality as to who pays what.
I completely agree that the OP should not be struggling with that income and that is something she needs to speak to her husband about.
What I am trying to say is that I can understand why he is being protective. The OP says they haven't been together very long so this is stuff they need to sort and agree on. I'm surprised this wasn't sorted before the first baby to be honest.

Plans_all_plans

By the way OP, can I ask how it came to be that this set up happened? Were finances ever discussed either before marriage or once the first child came along?

I think now is that ideal time to discuss it, because you are on a temporary contract which is due to finish in the not too distant future. Surely your husband is aware of this? What does he think is going to happen when this finishes?!! He must know that he's going to have to support you. Has he not said anything about what will happen once you finish work?

Gillyx

The alarm bells that are ringing for me are the fact you don't know how much money he is saving a month.

You're basically living without any luxuries despite a very high income, which strikes me as him squirreling away the majority of his wages.

You say you can't afford a holiday? What about all this money he's "saving" why couldn't that be used for some family time?

You're tied in now though, especially with a second baby on the way, and hubby needs to step up to the plate in my opinion.

Lotus-eater

The mind boggles, how can people live like this?

How can her DH treat his family like this?

When the kids grow up, is it still going to be his money and you buy everything else? I would have a long frank chat, either his money comes into the partnership (he might want to look it up in the dictionary), or you walk. Because you're going to be better off by yourself.

jclm_2

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

By the way OP, can I ask how it came to be that this set up happened? Were finances ever discussed either before marriage or once the first child came along?

I think now is that ideal time to discuss it, because you are on a temporary contract which is due to finish in the not too distant future. Surely your husband is aware of this? What does he think is going to happen when this finishes?!! He must know that he's going to have to support you. Has he not said anything about what will happen once you finish work?

yes, i will chat about the finances to hubby during our xmas break. i will have to do something about my finances because i'll be losing the child benefit in april 2013 (as hubby has a high income) and when my contract ends i'm not sure what government benefits i'll be entitled to - it's possible that because of hubby's earnings i won't get a thing

we only briefly discussed finances when i first moved into his house. i paid half the bills and half the mortgage as i was working full time then. i remember we had a bad argument because he was being stingey when i became pregnant. he somehow thought i was living off him which made him resentful and was cautious of marrying me. in all other ways he's a great hubby and daddy, but i think he is scarred from memories of his childhood, with his mother scraping by and finding out about the debts of her husband.

Person_one

jclm wrote: »

i'm not sure what government benefits i'll be entitled to - it's possible that because of hubby's earnings i won't get a thing

Quite right too, imagine the uproar if a household where one member earns 65K was entitled to benefits! :eek:

The government recognises his responsibilities towards you and his children, shame he doesn't.