becoming skint!!! advice welcome :-)

jclm_2

claire16c wrote: »

I find this very odd. Whats the point of being married to someone if you arent sharing stuff? Why dont you have a joint bank account? Or at least a joint bank account used for bills, mortgage etc even if both of your salaries are paid into your own accounts? Is there an original reason for this? Do you really not have any joint savings at all?

It sounds like you are living more as flatmates than spouses. I cant imagine saying to my DH - 'Right I need you to pay 25% of this bill.' Like he was a lodger or something and working everything out to the nearest penny.

On a joint income of 80k unless you have a massive mortgage, you should be able to live really nicely. I dont see why you dont have things like Sky, because you should be able to afford them if you want them. We have a joint income that is less than that and we go on a couple of holidays a year, have sky, mobiles etc. Whats the point of your DH having a well paying job if hes making you live so frugally? Yes theres something to be said for not wasting money but you also have to live.

If I was you Id be thinking is your DH squirreling all his money away and planning on running off somewhere? Or living a double life? It doesnt make sense to me why he is panicking about you spending money when you have plenty of it!

£8 travel costs every day is nothing. Many people spend hundreds each month getting to work.

Something just doesnt add up here.

i don't really know why we didn't/don't get a joint bank account or do joint savings. everything's been such a rush since the baby arrived so i suppose it seems such a hassle. what would the benefits of a joint bank account be? also does it sound wrong that i would like some savings of my own?

hubby is just stingey and likes being frugal. he is paying a lot into his pension so perhaps most of his money is going there. we also pay about £250 each per month for childcare (we do the vouchers).

i'm not sure why we are so poor (!) but there is no way we could afford a foreign holiday (though we are going away just after xmas, leaving the baby at my parents and staying in premier inn for £100 for 5 nights :D:D)

saidan

like many on here i think a joint account where everything is 50/50 would be best.
you are now unable to work due to raising your dh children.

i must say though £800 on nappies is terrible - are they gold lined?

both of my two were in reusables - and we got a birth-potty pack for £200. they are now on my friends little girl so having a third wear....

my dh would have been cross about £800 nappies regardless of the other issues.

saidan

jclm_2

leanneq wrote: »

I can kind of see where your husband is coming from. I would guess he's worked hard to get to where he has, good job, house, car etc and all off his own back. He will remember the hard graft that he did to get where he is whereas (no disrespect) youve just walked into a nice lifestyle. Please don't think I'm being disrespectful because I don't mean it like that! I can understand why he is protective of it as he doesnt want to lose it.
I've worked hard from a young age bought my first place 10 years ago at 21 and now have a nice house and good paying job. I wouldn't risk losing this for anyone and no matter how much I love someone I will still protect what I had before. I'm fortunate because I'm in a relationship with someone who has also achieved a lot too so this won't be a problem for us. However, if he didn't have anything then I would do my utmost to protect what I came into the relationship with.
Please don't be concerned that how he is with his money has any judgement on his love for you.

but i've become poorer since marriage and childbirth (maternity leave then working part time) whereas hubby's earnings have stayed the same and his savings have increased.

Person_one

leanneq wrote: »

I can kind of see where your husband is coming from. I would guess he's worked hard to get to where he has, good job, house, car etc and all off his own back. He will remember the hard graft that he did to get where he is whereas (no disrespect) youve just walked into a nice lifestyle. Please don't think I'm being disrespectful because I don't mean it like that! I can understand why he is protective of it as he doesnt want to lose it.
I've worked hard from a young age bought my first place 10 years ago at 21 and now have a nice house and good paying job. I wouldn't risk losing this for anyone and no matter how much I love someone I will still protect what I had before. I'm fortunate because I'm in a relationship with someone who has also achieved a lot too so this won't be a problem for us. However, if he didn't have anything then I would do my utmost to protect what I came into the relationship with.
Please don't be concerned that how he is with his money has any judgement on his love for you.

What if something happened, and suddenly YOU had nothing? How would you feel about him protecting what's his while watching you struggle?

I was with someone for a while and we were earning pretty much the same, it hid the underlying problems which only appeared when I lost my job and suddenly we weren't so equal anymore.

Plans_all_plans

To me, your set up is outrageous and there is NO WAY I'd stand for it. I certainly wouldn't be happy to be having a second child with this man while this unfairness continues.

Have you spoken to him in depth about this?

osian

Your husband may be missing out by saving in his own name and not yours. He'll have to pay the higher rate of tax on the interest on his savings, whereas you would have to only pay the basic rate of tax.

I'm a SAHM at the moment, and all of our savings (except for ISA's which are tax free and get split evenly between us) go into my name so that they are tax free. In fact my husband rarely deals with any of our money at all and I'm the one who manages it all as I have the most time to do so. Of course we discuss it openly, so he knows roughly what the situation is. If we ever did split, the money would have to be split evenly anyway as we have been married for a while, so it makes no difference who has the most money or whatever.

You could suggest this to your husband and see what he says, it could be a way of opening up the conversation.

jclm_2

saidan wrote: »

like many on here i think a joint account where everything is 50/50 would be best.
you are now unable to work due to raising your dh children.

i must say though £800 on nappies is terrible - are they gold lined?

both of my two were in reusables - and we got a birth-potty pack for £200. they are now on my friends little girl so having a third wear....

my dh would have been cross about £800 nappies regardless of the other issues.

saidan

it is a lot lol!!!! some are luxury ones but they are all 'preloved' and can be sold later. i'll have two kiddies in nappies at the same time so need a double stash:

newborn nappies: £100
size ones: £150
size twos: £300
night nappies: £100
wetbags (for nursery), bucket, wipes etc: £100
'easy' nursery nappies: £200

plus special large bottomed trousers for going over the reusable nappies are more expensive as i can't buy cheapo trousers for the baby from ebay.

leanneq

Person_one wrote: »

What if something happened, and suddenly YOU had nothing? How would you feel about him protecting what's his while watching you struggle?

I was with someone for a while and we were earning pretty much the same, it hid the underlying problems which only appeared when I lost my job and suddenly we weren't so equal anymore.

I promise you there are no 'underlying issues' in our relationship! We don't live together officially, we both still run our own houses. To be honest Im pretty sure he has more than me anyway!
I'm in a job where i can't be made redundant so the chance of me losing everything is pretty slim!

leanneq

jclm wrote: »

but i've become poorer since marriage and childbirth (maternity leave then working part time) whereas hubby's earnings have stayed the same and his savings have increased.

Well this is something that you need to speak to him about. All I'm saying is that I can understand why he is being protective.

arbroath_lass

Sorry to be brutal but I think your husband sees MUG written across your forehead. You need to have a real, frank, sit down discussion with him. 50/50 is NOT normal in a family with children. I'd show him this thread.

I would be pointing out things like how much childcare would cost if you worked full time, how much a cook, cleaner etc would cost if you didn't do it (assuming you do!), how much the CSA would take for HIS child if you split up and so on (I'm sure you can think of others).

Then you can agree how much money you are both happy to spend/save each month. Go through your entire budget.

TBH I can only hope you are trolling as I am appalled by your husband's behaviour.

By the way, are you sure he is saving and not hiding a gambling, alcohol, drug habit?