becoming skint!!! advice welcome :-)

jclm_2

Person_one wrote: »

Forget the percentage of income plan, it can work but there's no point in your situation.

You're married, you have a child, you're a family, you're a unit. You both need to start thinking in terms of 'us' rather than 'me'.

Every penny that comes into the house should go into a joint pot. Mortgage and bills come out, so do the essential household expenses such as nappies and food, and then from whatever is left you each get a bit of pocket money (the same amount!) and the rest goes into JOINT savings.

Equal partners don't have massively differing levels of wealth and lifestyle. You both need to start thinking of money as for 'the family' not as 'mine' and 'his'.

I'd ask if you were married to my ex but the timing isn't right.

i suppose it comes down to relationship 'issues'. we are happy as a couple but haven't been together long. hubby is much older than me and i worry whether he has suspicions that i will leave him or that i just married him for the money... (none of these are true of course). it might also be because hubby thinks i spend too much on stuff for the baby. as hubby might be made redundant in the next few years, he's saving money for the future but i do worry that unconsciously he's doing it in case we split but i agree that we should split things more equally.

Person_one

jclm wrote: »

i suppose it comes down to relationship 'issues'. we are happy as a couple but haven't been together long. hubby is much older than me and i worry whether he has suspicions that i will leave him or that i just married him for the money... (none of these are true of course). it might also be because hubby thinks i spend too much on stuff for the baby. as hubby might be made redundant in the next few years, he's saving money for the future but i do worry that unconsciously he's doing it in case we split but i agree that we should split things more equally.

If you've been married more than 2 years then there's absolutely no point him hoarding his money in case of a split, it would be seen as a joint asset anyway.

Have you considered going to counselling together?

Saving in case of redundancy is sensible, but these savings should FAMILY savings, not just his, to benefit all of you should the need arise, not just him.

claire16c

I find this very odd. Whats the point of being married to someone if you arent sharing stuff? Why dont you have a joint bank account? Or at least a joint bank account used for bills, mortgage etc even if both of your salaries are paid into your own accounts? Is there an original reason for this? Do you really not have any joint savings at all?

It sounds like you are living more as flatmates than spouses. I cant imagine saying to my DH - 'Right I need you to pay 25% of this bill.' Like he was a lodger or something and working everything out to the nearest penny.

On a joint income of 80k unless you have a massive mortgage, you should be able to live really nicely. I dont see why you dont have things like Sky, because you should be able to afford them if you want them. We have a joint income that is less than that and we go on a couple of holidays a year, have sky, mobiles etc. Whats the point of your DH having a well paying job if hes making you live so frugally? Yes theres something to be said for not wasting money but you also have to live.

If I was you Id be thinking is your DH squirreling all his money away and planning on running off somewhere? Or living a double life? It doesnt make sense to me why he is panicking about you spending money when you have plenty of it!

£8 travel costs every day is nothing. Many people spend hundreds each month getting to work.

Something just doesnt add up here.

krlyr

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to approaching finances - some people find "his" and "hers" works very well - OH and I implement it in some aspects, e.g. we've split the new house into shares going by what each of us have/will put into the deposit & mortgage payments. I don't see that my year or two of savings should earn me the same share as OH's ~10 years of savings, and he'll pay the bulk of the (substantial) overpayments initially. But day-to-day costs we share. We do have similar wages though and never intend to have kids - I do agree that as a SAHM you do contribute to the relationship, even if it's not financially, so it complicates things.
I think the issue here is that you're obviously not happy with the way you split finances so you need to talk to your OH and work something out. Could you perhaps have a "family" bank account that you both contribute to and use for family stuff, but any non-essential spends are discussed between the pair of you before you dip into that account?
Stuff like the nappies - he could be looking at it and thinking "She's spent £800 on nappies?!" whereas you're looking at it as something you feeli s better for the baby, environmentally friendly, and an investment that will give a return. Have you worked out the cost of disposable nappies for comparison? I bet he'd be surprised by the figure they'd add up to eventually. If he holds no real interest in baby nappies then it will have an effect on how he views the cost of them - my OH has been surprised at how much I've spent on dog stuff, for example, but if I actually explain why I need it and why it costs that much, he soon 'gets' it - like the time I got an £80 bill for dog food (normally £40), but it was because the freezer had completely run down (I normally have a week or two's worth in reserve), ordered some for a friend who would be paying me back, and had minimum quanitities for some of the bits, like chicken carcasses, that would last me longer than the month/two month's worth of other bits. The following month the bill was particularly low because my reserves were back in place, I didn't have to buy any chicken carcasses, and my friend didn't need anything - so it all balanced out. Your OH is seeing £800 going out for nappies but what he may not be considering is that you won't have constant outgoings for buying disposable nappies every week.

sassyblue

jclm wrote: »

thanks bufger for the advice. i know this income is huge (and i grew up in a poor household when i was a kiddie so i know) but we are living frugally. pay as you go phones, no landline, no sky, one car (i don't use it as i want to save petrol), no subscriptions to anything... but my commuting costs are expensive and on the days that i look after the baby i pay for bus, lunch and soft play which comes to £8 minimum per day. i suppose it's because hubby is saving money but i have no idea how much...

Quite alot if he's earning almost £5,500K per month! since your earning power is almost a 1/4 of his, you should be contributing a 1/4 towards everything.

Do you know what the mortgage is and how much that is? You are a team and should make decisions together. :cool:

piccybabes

The incomes may be different, but the value each individual brings to the family is normally very different.

Example: I earn 7 times what my wife earns (she works part time). However all the money goes into a central pot out of which comes bills, savings , kids expenses - essentially everything. What is left is divided 50/50 - she can spend hers on what she wants and ditto for me.

She brings a huge amount to the family/ relationship which is hugely valuable to me ( and the kids).

Personally , and I can't speak for others, this is the best route to an equitable basis for a marriage/partnership and there are no arguments about one party having more than the other.

I always find it strange that other couples don't adopt the same thing.

It doesn't stop the "You spent how much on a pair of shoes" comments though!!

Person_one

sassyblue wrote: »

Quite alot if he's earning almost £5,500K per month! since your earning power is almost a 1/4 of his, you should be contributing a 1/4 towards everything.

I don't even agree with this. Paying a quarter from an 18K salary still leaves you with a lot less than paying three quarters from a 65K salary.

In a true partnership you don't have one struggling and one well off!

leanneq

I can kind of see where your husband is coming from. I would guess he's worked hard to get to where he has, good job, house, car etc and all off his own back. He will remember the hard graft that he did to get where he is whereas (no disrespect) youve just walked into a nice lifestyle. Please don't think I'm being disrespectful because I don't mean it like that! I can understand why he is protective of it as he doesnt want to lose it.
I've worked hard from a young age bought my first place 10 years ago at 21 and now have a nice house and good paying job. I wouldn't risk losing this for anyone and no matter how much I love someone I will still protect what I had before. I'm fortunate because I'm in a relationship with someone who has also achieved a lot too so this won't be a problem for us. However, if he didn't have anything then I would do my utmost to protect what I came into the relationship with.
Please don't be concerned that how he is with his money has any judgement on his love for you.

claire16c

Person_one wrote: »

I don't even agree with this. Paying a quarter from an 18K salary still leaves you with a lot less than paying three quarters from a 65K salary.

In a true partnership you don't have one struggling and one well off!

Exactly. Its like living seperate lives so why bother being together?

I had a friend at work who when she went on maternity leave, she ended up running up a massive credit card bill to buy baby stuff with because her and her husband had seperate finances and he earnt more than her and obviously the difference got even bigger when she was on mat leave and for some reason it only seemed to be her buying the stuff and not him (although I think he helped to pay for big items like cot, buggy etc).

So he probably had thousands sitting in the bank. Whilst she was building up a ton of interest - whereas if they had just combined their money they would have been better off! 3 years later, she was still paying off the debt, and he had no idea about it. She had to hide credit card statements and all sorts.

Another time her car needed fixing, so he 'lent' her the money. Then on her birthday he paid for something else on the car to get repaired.

Just odd to me.

lidlest

I earn a lot more than my husband, and I pay all the bills, He contributes by buying most of the food, spending money on babies stuff, giving me money if I want to go out. Basically although all bills come from my account our finances are intertwined, I can take money from his account as we have each others log ins.

We both clean the house, we both look after the children, we both cook dinner. I must admit, because my job is harder, he does pick up a bit more slack than I do at some points in the year. We are a partnership - whats mine is his and whats his is mine. What's the point of a marriage that is any other way?