Step Family Advice

clearingout

OP - I hope you haven't disappeared. I am a divorced mum and feel strongly about step mums (probably because my children have a rotten one and a rotten dad at many levels if it comes to it!) but I can sense an awful of of distress in your posts and I think it would be helpful for you if you could tell us what is you want? how do you think life for you and your children could be improved? what might help bring about some balance? if you could tell us that, perhaps we could help you find a way of achieving that?

elvis86

Seanymph wrote: »

Because his children with his ex have a mum putting them first. THEIR MUM is doing that job. The OP doesn't have to.

She needs to mum HERS not HIS.

Yes, he needs to parent, there needs to be a balance - but her kids shouldn't come second in any way shape or form because he has other children and by goodness she has nothing to prove to you or anyone else by putting his kids first and hers second.

She should prioritise her children because they have their mum prioritising them.

And her issue - if everyone stops shouting 'bad stepmum' for a minute and lets her speak is between her and her partner.

Her kids aren't "coming second" to anyone. Her OH has his children 4 nights a month, during which the OP resents him taking them out to their clubs and activities etc.

Furthermore, she resents the fact that her OH and his ex can afford to send their kids to clubs and activities because she can't afford to do the same for her eldest child and her child with her OH, but she fails to recognise that it's unfair to expect that her OH's eldest kids should suffer because she is currently unemployed.

Unfortunately, as she is currently unemployed, there is perhaps less spare cash in her house than there is in her OH's ex's house (who works), and rather than accept this or attempt to change her own circumstances, the OP is feeling sorry for herself and choosing to blame her OH's children and his ex.

Seanymph

And I absolutely agree with you. But the OP's eldest and the child they have together are children of the household - they live all together.

His children have a home elsewhere.

It seems that the system would create more fairness if it had been working correctly -and that a considerable amount of the anguish here is caused by a failure of the system which is being challenged.

But I have done the step roundabout twice - and no longer have the same expectations of myself, or anyone else.

In this case the OH's ex is happy to ask for extra money, prioritise the kids with their father, and make sure that her kids have every opportunity. There is nothing wrong with the OP trying to ensure that her children don't lose opportunities BECAUSE of that.

*was in response to F Baby - posts are coming too fast to keep up*

elvis86

OH's children have a dad who works and a mum who works.

The OP's eldest child has a dad who pays £10 a week and a mum who is unemployed.

Their child together has a dad who works and a mum who is unemployed.

To me, whilst it may seem unfair and sound callous, it's perfectly logical that the OH's elder children have more. Both of their parents work to provide for them.

It may seem unjust and like the OP's daughters are missing out, but why should her OH's existing children be worse off because their Dad has chosen to be in a relationship with the OP and have another baby with her? If she wants her children to have more, she needs to go out and get it, not attempt to take it from her stepchildren.

paddy's_mum

Poraw wrote: »

2 kids who dont even have the courtesy to say hello to me in my own home.

This really is unacceptable behaviour from the children, who are old enough to know better. Who else do they treat with this level of contempt?

I have absolutely no doubt whatever that this is throwing fuel on the fire of OP's resentment! An attitude of this kind displayed by the children and their mother, who claims that the new baby isn't really a sister (what?!) would surely try the patience of a saint let alone a woman who is trying to be fair to everyone, while being a single parent for 80% of the week.

In my opinion, the father should have jumped on this appalling rudeness long ago. How dare they be so damned rude and how dare he condone it?

People can put up with a great deal, uncomplainingly, so long as they feel that they and partner are working in harness. Sadly, once one of them feels that they are giving so much and getting so little back, the only outcome is disaster.

OP - I do hope you haven't left this thread because in between what you see as harsh and unfair criticism there are some real nuggets of useful insight and advice. Good luck and I hope the two of you can sort it out. It would be a shame to throw out the baby with the bathwater, wouldn't it?

elvis86

paddy's_mum wrote: »

This really is unacceptable behaviour from the children, who are old enough to know better. Who else do they treat with this level of contempt?

I have absolutely no doubt whatever that this is throwing fuel on the fire of OP's resentment! An attitude of this kind displayed by the children and their mother, who claims that the new baby isn't really a sister (what?!) would surely try the patience of a saint let alone a woman who is trying to be fair to everyone, while being a single parent for 80% of the week.

In my opinion, the father should have jumped on this appalling rudeness long ago. How dare they be so damned rude and how dare he condone it?

People can put up with a great deal, uncomplainingly, so long as they feel that they and partner are working in harness. Sadly, once one of them feels that they are giving so much and getting so little back, the only outcome is disaster.

OP - I do hope you haven't left this thread because in between what you see as harsh and unfair criticism there are some real nuggets of useful insight and advice. Good luck and I hope the two of you can sort it out. It would be a shame to throw out the baby with the bathwater, wouldn't it?

I can't believe that out of that entire post, that is what provoked the strongest reaction in you! Never mind the fact that these children are stuck with a stepmother who begrudges them the shirts on their backs, the fact that they're less than enthusiastic when she "welcomes" them into her home is obviously the main issue..:wall:

Rudeness in children is unnacceptable, I agree. But in this case, aside from this (somewhat self-pitying) throwaway comment, I can't recall that the OP has said anything else about having a problem with her stepchildren's behaviour? Only that she resents them attending football clubs and birthday parties...:cool:

Looby_Lou

My DH also works away during the week and it does mean that life has to change. Playing football at a club is not (IMHO) spending quality time with their father. If my kids want to go to a party then they have to expect being dropped off and picked up but their father doesn't stay he spends the time with the other children. I think that having a discussion with the father about wanting to spend some time as a family at the weekend would be good, and maybe the OP could get a little time to herself - which is what I find hard.

cheepskate_2

op, you sound like a child who throws her dummy out the pram when she doesnt get her own way. What venom you have towards these children. So from what you say........you want your OH to support(financially + time) HIS children less,......but support your eldest more, which isnt even his child.

paddy's_mum

elvis86 wrote: »

I can't believe that out of that entire post, that is what provoked the strongest reaction in you!

Please don't attempt to put words into my mouth. You are mistaken.

I thought it foolish to carry on repeating, ad nauseum, what many others have already quite forcefully said. I would also point out that there is a degree of contempt going on and that, surely, needs to be addressed.

However poorly you choose to think the step-mother has behaved, there is little excuse that I can think of for these children to treat the OP with such disdain, and more importantly, for their father to tacitly encourage by failing to put a stop to it.

They may (or indeed may not) be treating the OP as a doormat but there's no law that I know of that says she has to lay down and invite them to walk all over her. It's her home too and she is entitled at the very least to a degree of courtesy and respect!

Here endeth the first sermon

clearingout

I think the OP has got the message! How about we work on looking at ways to support her relationship with her step children so she is less fed up with the situation? communicating with her husband how she's feeling so she doesn't feel she has to leave (which is not a nice position to be in, is it?), working out ways of spending time as one family, rather than 'his' and 'their' family under the same roof (which is how it is sounding)?

OP - you have a lot to be grateful for but I'm not sure you realise it. Trying to find the pleasure in your extended family, learning to enjoy time together (is there an activity you could all do? bowling once a month? trip to a forest/picnic area/park and a long walk?), asking your husband to sit down and work through their budgets to see where changes and savings can be made so she can attend a group with the baby, for example? It perhaps won't need much to help make a significant improvement to how the OP is feeling?

OP - as a final note from me for now, have you been screened for PND? If so, what was the outcome? Do you feel you might benefit from talking with someone?