Step Family Advice

Seanymph

I agree wholeheartedly Paddy'smum and that is why I keep repeating that the issue is between the adults. The OP's OH should be making things fair - he should be ensuring his children treat his new partner with respect and if he was then the resentment would not have built to this level.

paddysmum didn't 'focus' on one thing - she picked up something that was indicative of a huge issue within the relationship which was very relevant.

Mrs.W_2

Poraw wrote: »

... 2 kids who dont even have the courtesy to say hello to me in my own home.

Poraw wrote: »

... They were not allowed to come and meet their new sister when she was born for over 10 days - and their mother told them infront of OH that 'she wasnt their real sister' Nice huh?

The above speaks of an ex ensuring her children share her lack of respect for their step-mother and new half-sibling. That will only fuel restentment on both sides.

clearingout

Mrs.W wrote: »

The above speaks of a rather bitter ex ensuring her children share her lack of respect for their step-mother and new half-sibling. That will only fuel restentment on both sides.

Not much you can do about that, other than rise above it, is there? My own children didn't get to see their brother until 5 days after he was born because their father was keeping his girlfriend happy and staying away from us. It was truly dreadful. But holding on to how I felt at the time won't change what happened. You have to develop a thick skin, recognise the small minded behaviour for what it is and develop your own relationships with the people concerned so that there is at least a conflict of interests when mum is being rude - she can say whatever she wants but if the children know that in actual fact, their step mum is anything but the person their mum is saying she is, it's their mum they'll get fed up with in the end. Actions do indeed speak very loudly in these situations!

Padstow

thewanted wrote: »

That's the really annoying thing about this site, far too many people want to judge the situation rather than looking at ways to help you. I don't remember it always being like this which is why I've used a different name when I want to discuss personal issues like this.

I personally post on here as a sound board to check if my impulses are way out of kilter with society as I was brought up in a very judgemental family. Try the DFW as others have suggested. Keep on at your MP, I hope it's one who has personal experience of step families and the CSA. The problem with many politicians is that they have led a very sheltered life.

Oh come on, only a half truth has been told. Or rather one side of a story.

OP lived in a two bed flat. Married man comes along and tells her what a witch his wife is, probably lies.
He moves in, taking only the clothes he stands up in.?
He earns far more than she ever will, and they leap from her two bed flat to a four bed house, the OP using his kids from the previous, as an excuse.

I'll point out here, that children from a first marriage always take precedence over any subsequent ones. Not my view, but a fact in court.

Now the OP is getting jealous, not only at how much her partner has to pay, but at the time he spends with them.

OP,he may have been a rubbish husband, but from what you say, he's trying to be a good dad.

Use the football time to bond wih his children and cherish the time with your baby.
Toast hot buns and steaming cuppas for when they come home.
Ask how they got on and high five, or whatever they do these days.
As for manners? Your OH should have noticed and dealt with that.

"How dare you walk in and not even speak properly to *******. You go back out, re-enter and speak to ******* in the correct manner.
Old fashioned, but it works.

FBaby

Seanymph wrote: »

In this case the OH's ex is happy to ask for extra money, prioritise the kids with their father, and make sure that her kids have every opportunity. There is nothing wrong with the OP trying to ensure that her children don't lose opportunities BECAUSE of that.

*was in response to F Baby - posts are coming too fast to keep up*

I see what you mean on this basis, I do agree with you in principle. However, the ex is also contributing towards her children. It is very likely that if she didn't and the children were relying solely on their dad's contribution they would not have the chances they currently have. What is wrong in the OP's situation is the intense resentment she seems to be abhoring that has reached such a stage that it is affecting her relationship and that with her step-children. That I think is very sad because there it isn't a case of unfairness but a case of different circumstances.

Poraw

FBaby wrote: »

I see what you mean on this basis, I do agree with you in principle. However, the ex is also contributing towards her children. It is very likely that if she didn't and the children were relying solely on their dad's contribution they would not have the chances they currently have. What is wrong in the OP's situation is the intense resentment she seems to be abhoring that has reached such a stage that it is affecting her relationship and that with her step-children. That I think is very sad because there it isn't a case of unfairness but a case of different circumstances.

FBaby - I work 2 nights a week, a Thursday and Sunday in a care home. I started in Sept after my JSA claim but do not work full time. Neither does the ex work full time. In addition to the 2 nights work I do I am studying access to higher ed at college - a tuesday night, wednesday daytime and Friday daytime. I DO support my children in the best way I can given circumstances that I am in. So thanks for your bashing of me not providing for my children, really means a lot given you know my situation inside out. Maybe it would be more tactful to ask me rather then assume?

Poraw

Again, thanks for the other comments, mostly they are irrelevant but if I was to sit in and write down my entire situation with ALL the facts then I would be here all night and miss a Physics exam I have this evening. Its nice to be judged tho when people dont know all the facts and dont bother asking, just assuming.

princessdreamer

Just as you judge the ex and your boyfriends children. Maybe you should leave before they become teenagers as it only gets worse (joke)

Poraw

Padstow wrote: »

Oh come on, only a half truth has been told. Or rather one side of a story.

OP lived in a two bed flat. Wrong - it was his flat. I was living elsewhere. Married man comes along and tells her what a witch his wife is, probably lies. Wrong. He has never married. He didnt marry his ex. They had been spilt up following her infidelity for 2 years before I met him
He moves in, taking only the clothes he stands up in.?
He earns far more than she ever will, and they leap from her two bed flat to a four bed house, the OP using his kids from the previous, as an excuse.

I'll point out here, that children from a first marriage always take precedence over any subsequent ones. Not my view, but a fact in court.

Now the OP is getting jealous, not only at how much her partner has to pay, but at the time he spends with them. Wrong, I have already stated I would love them here more but their mother will not allow it as her CSA cash goes down if they spend more time with us.

OP,he may have been a rubbish husband, but from what you say, he's trying to be a good dad. He isnt my husband. I have never said he isnt a good dad.

Use the football time to bond wih his children and cherish the time with your baby.
Toast hot buns and steaming cuppas for when they come home.
Ask how they got on and high five, or whatever they do these days.
As for manners? Your OH should have noticed and dealt with that. He has tried and tried and tried. It goes in one ear and out the other. He has also spoken to them infront of their mum about their bad manners and she butted in with 'i have put my life on hold for these boys' .... well thats nice love, had you not opened your legs to all and sundry not once, but twice maybe you wouldnt have had to..

"How dare you walk in and not even speak properly to *******. You go back out, re-enter and speak to ******* in the correct manner.
Old fashioned, but it works.

Please comments above. You obviously havent read my post properly.

Poraw

princessdreamer wrote: »

Just as you judge the ex and your boyfriends children. Maybe you should leave before they become teenagers as it only gets worse (joke)

Thats exactly what I plan on doing. I have spoke to partner this afternoon and explained we need to talk (again) and this time instead of talking about it, not really coming to any conclusions and muddling through I fully intend to make the change that will make me happier. I love my partner dearly, and would much rather be friends with him then us hate each other. Given we have a child together is the only reason I stayed so long, otherwise I would have been gone a long while ago.