Step Family Advice

Seanymph

Mimi it doesn't say they live near each other - it says it takes an hour to collect the child on a Friday, so I assume it's about half an hour away, but I can't be sure...... it still adds an hour each end to every event though, and could explain not returning home in the middle when there are parties and the like.

cte1111

Poraw - I feel for you. You seem very unhappy and understandably so. You lost your job whilst on maternity leave, you're managing on your own through the week with a young baby and a teenager and your looked forward to weekends sometimes revolve around your step-children. So yes I can understand your unhappiness.

I can also understand the negative reaction to your initial post. Most families' weekends tend to revolve around the children and it is largely the older children who get prioritised in many ways. I remember one of my friend's children not knowing the characters on Cbeebies that mine loved, as she rarely got to choose the TV channel ahead of her older siblings! I don't think she suffered un-necessarily as a consequence and now she is reaping the benefits of her older siblings being more independent and doing their own thing at the weekends leaving their Mum free to lavish attention on her youngest (as well as access to her older sister's make up kit I suspect).

But the point I'm rather ramblingly trying to make is that there are up and downs to family life, particularly in larger families.

Have you seem your GP recently? I wonder if you are suffering from post natal depression. Feeling the need to 'run away' like you seem to be feeling is often a sign of depression I think. Counselling / CBT and / or medication might help you feel more positive in what is undoubtedly a difficult time.

Please don't think that if you split up with your partner you will somehow turn into the better off ex that you are currently envying. Yes it is irking that she has been left with only a £80 mortgage whilst yours is much more, but that's a fact now, nothing is going to change that.

Try and look at the way that things are likely to get better - the CSA contributions will get sorted out eventually leaving your household with more to spend. You will hopefully be able to get more / better paid work once you have more qualifications. In the meantime, it's great for your self esteem to be doing something outside your mothering role.

Would there be any way you could manage some extra work at the care home over the Xmas / New Year period? Your partner might be at home more and then you could earn some money to put towards activities that you can do with your baby / teenager next year.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

fannyanna wrote: »

Some people are so rude. I find it disgraceful that people feel it is appropriate to imply that this woman should leave her partner.

Whilst it's understandable that people have differences of opinion and people have the right to express their opinions I think there's a line that most respectable people know not to cross.

This woman is clearly in some distress at the moment and I find it shocking that people appear to get their kicks by sticking the boot into her whilst she's down!

The OP stated she was leaving her OH because she cant handle his kids with another women get "everything" - The posts your refering too are tongue in cheek

Seanymph wrote: »

Mimi it doesn't say they live near each other - it says it takes an hour to collect the child on a Friday, so I assume it's about half an hour away, but I can't be sure...... it still adds an hour each end to every event though, and could explain not returning home in the middle when there are parties and the like.

OP said it should take 30 min for the OH to pick the child up (suggesting that it is a 15 min drive each way) but that the football over runs so it takes an hour.

It's an hour - hardly a full day thing and the OH doesnt stay at the football - he just picks the lad up. Could understand if he was staying for a 90 min match and its an hour each way - but this isnt the case

paddy's_mum

For whatever reason, this couple are not working together in harmony. There are huge stresses going on (not least the OP's perception that she comes waaaaay down her partner's pecking order of what's important).

She is a single mum 80-some % of the time, runs a home and family, is studying and to top it all, goes out to work two nights a week to help with the family budget.

Seriously, people - what more could a second wife do and still be found wanting?

In her shoes, I'd be wanting to wrench heads off shoulders too and (having once endured years of unjust insolence, insults and contempt from my adult stepson) I'm pretty sure that I would be wanting to throw in the towel, too.

How long should she stay? Till she's reduced to massive depression and suicidal thoughts, perhaps?

fannyanna

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

The OP stated she was leaving her OH because she cant handle his kids with another women get "everything" - The posts your refering too are tongue in cheek

Not all of them. Plus I think OP has said she's leaving her husband as a knee jerk reaction because she's probably distraught at the moment.

lostinrates

OP has said she has an exam tomorrow. I think she needs to be frank with her self and address all of the isues discussed here, but after tomorrow.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

fannyanna wrote: »

Not all of them. Plus I think OP has said she's leaving her husband as a knee jerk reaction because she's probably distraught at the moment.

I havent seen anyone seriously suggesting she leaves her op but may have missed it - apologies if i have. A lot of them are tongue in cheek because of the oeiginal statement where OP said she was leaving him because she didnt like his kidss getting everything and they her children would be better off with her on benefits

Paddy's Mum - no one is saying the OP doesnt have a difficult and stressful situation - but she isnt doing herself any favours by blaming it on everyone else and not doing anything to solve the issues. She's stated she is talking to her OH - not to discuss the problems but to tell him she is leaving. She doesnt HAVE to study - she CHOOSES to study when (according to OP) they cant afford it and need her income.

I'm sorry but a family who earn in excess of £30k - £42k and cant survive on the wage - there is something seriously wrong with that, but again - OP has ignored all advise about an SOA on the DFW board and done a "woe is me - we pay the ex"

FBaby

The problem is not the fact that OP might not be happy with her situation. She is entitled to her expectations of her relationship and feeling fustrated. The problem is that instead of looking at what SHE could do differently, she is transporting all her frustration on other peoples, blaming others for her frustration and unhappiness.

I experienced massive resentment when my ex and new girlfriend fell pregnant when at the time they were both on benefits, and my ex hadn't supported the kids financially for years, claiming even more benefits, when my partner and I who worked full-time miscarried and then discovered that we had serious infertility problems and due to me already having children, we were not even elligible for NHS funding, depsite the large amount of tax paid....

I hurt when my ex announced it, I hurt everytime my kids came back from their visit excited, showing me scan pictures, I hurt when she gave birth... but I accepted that only I could rise above it and get on with my life. Their lives is their lives, I can't control it, I can only focus on all what I have to be happy for. The baby is now 6 months old and I am ok with it. I won't ever be a mum again, but I have accepted it and moved on.

It's bad enough to let yourself hurt because of how you feel, but it is completely unfair to make innocent parties pay for it.

fannyanna

FBaby wrote: »

The problem is not the fact that OP might not be happy with her situation. She is entitled to her expectations of her relationship and feeling fustrated. The problem is that instead of looking at what SHE could do differently, she is transporting all her frustration on other peoples, blaming others for her frustration and unhappiness.

I experienced massive resentment when my ex and new girlfriend fell pregnant when at the time they were both on benefits, and my ex hadn't supported the kids financially for years, claiming even more benefits, when my partner and I who worked full-time miscarried and then discovered that we had serious infertility problems and due to me already having children, we were not even elligible for NHS funding, depsite the large amount of tax paid....

I hurt when my ex announced it, I hurt everytime my kids came back from their visit excited, showing me scan pictures, I hurt when she gave birth... but I accepted that only I could rise above it and get on with my life. Their lives is their lives, I can't control it, I can only focus on all what I have to be happy for. The baby is now 6 months old and I am ok with it. I won't ever be a mum again, but I have accepted it and moved on.

It's bad enough to let yourself hurt because of how you feel, but it is completely unfair to make innocent parties pay for it.

I agree with you but I can understand why OP has reacted in the way that she has. Let's be honest I think we'd all act extremely defensively if we perceived that we were being persecuted.

You yourself went through a period of resentment and was able to deal with that in the end. But answering honestly whilst you were suffering from resentment were you always rational with your thoughts. Unless your super human I presume not.

I think OP knows that her thoughts are irrational but at the same time she has those thoughts and it clearly causes her a great deal of distress. I would imagine that she herself feels guilty for the way she feels. It's even harder to handle when everyone else berates you for it - and you naturally defend yourself.

Ultimately I think that by the very fact that OP posted on here tonight shows that she wants to deal with the situation and to find a positive outcome for everyone. It's hard to hear critiscism and I know myself I would be very upset if some of the comments made tonight were directed at me.

I think OP is probably having a bit of a breakdown on this at the moment. I'm sure that when she's in a different frame on mind she'll probably find some of the more advisory comments on here very helpful.

I think OP has been very brave in posting on here tonight to ask for advice. I'm sure she knew the topic would go down like a lead balloon but to be prepared to get slaughtered in the hope that you'll get a few good nuggets of advice is admirable in my opinion.

mountainofdebt

well I don't know if its been mentioned - read the 1st page and it seemed that if you didn't agree with the OP you were against her , but hey ho what's new? - but what sort of bed have you got in the bedroom that's for your ex's children?

If they're the sort where you have a proper single bed and then a pull out guest bed attached to make it into a double then you could use that as a guest bedroom rather than their bedroom for their sole use.......might change your outlook on having to buy a 4 bedroom house.