Step Family Advice

FBaby

fannyanna wrote: »

You yourself went through a period of resentment and was able to deal with that in the end. But answering honestly whilst you were suffering from resentment were you always rational with your thoughts. Unless your super human I presume not.

Going through it was very tough, I cried a lot and did feel sorry for myself, but one thing I didn't do and certainly wouldn't have done is hurt others because of my feelings. I could have stopped my kids going there, say unpleasant things about them being sroungers, about their dad having another child when he couldn't even support them, gosh was I tempted, my body was screaming it, but I didn't do it because my kids didn't deserve to be party to my negative feelings. I always accepted that it was me who had a problem with it and me who needed to get over it. It did take time, but I worked through it.

Before OP can start to move forward, she needs to move away from that victim status she is finding some comfort in. She needs to accept that her partner's ex is entitled to her own life, that her step-children are entitled to some time with their dad, and that it is not because they get to do activities or maybe go on holidays when her children don't that they are happier. Her children are lucky to have her partner as a dad and dad figure who takes that role seriously. She is lucky that she has him to support her and her family. She is lucky to have had a baby with the man she loves.

Padstow

Poraw wrote: »

Again, thanks for the other comments, mostly they are irrelevant but if I was to sit in and write down my entire situation with ALL the facts then I would be here all night and miss a Physics exam I have this evening. Its nice to be judged tho when people dont know all the facts and dont bother asking, just assuming.

Good luck and hope you get the results you want. Xx.

daska

TBH I'm not surprised Poraw is a tad fed up. Essentially she's a lone parent to a teenage girl and a baby during the week - that's tough in itself. She works part time and is also studying to get additional qualifications - good on her, she's obviously trying to improve the situation and her earning potential. Her BF is only around at weekends but spends every other weekend trying to replicate the life his older kids would have had if their parents hadn't split up. He isn't firm enough with them when they are rude to Poraw which, to be blunt, is humiliating for her. Her eldest isn't getting an appropriate amount of maintenance from her dad cos he's playing the system and to rub salt in the wound they're not only paying out the standard CSA rate for her BF's kids but an additional £2,100 a year due to an incorrect assessment and he's topping that up when the ex asks. The ex wants her kids to have their own room for the 4 nights a month and he lets her get her own way... etc etc etc

It seems to me that the BF sounds like a dad who feels incredibly guilty and allows this to affect his decisions and the way he behaves and hasn't quite twigged that his partner, stepchild and baby should get at least equal billing, if not priority in their own house. And it sounds as if Poraw has possibly been a bit of a doormat for too long which has bred an understandable resentment. But ultimately it isn't the exes that are the problem, it's their inability to communicate and/or compromise. And I suspect from Poraw's comments that it will be difficult, if not impossible to salvage this relationship without both the BF and Poraw having a lightbulb moment.

It's hardly surprising that Poraw should feel that being a single mum on benefits might be preferable to what she's currently got. She'd be able to manage her budget and timetable in a way that prioritised her kids rather than demoted them. She wouldn't have to put up with her step-kids being rude to her in her own home. etc etc etc

Poraw, have a hug from me and go talk with that man of yours and tell him that you love him to bits, you want to stay, you want to make it work and you need him to work with you to find solutions to how you're feeling.

miss.bint

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

But you could have told the ex to shove off! No court will make you buy a bigger house for 4 nights a month. it was YOUR choice to move into a house you cant really afford.

Try telling that to my husband's ex!

We had my step daughter (now 10) 3 nights a week for 4 years. She had her own bedroom.
Her Mum has a baby and she feels left out, so she starts staying at home with her mum more.

We have another baby (we already have a 3 year old) and the plan was for my daughter and step daughter to share a bedroom as we find out we're having a boy.

Over the space of a year, step daughter is now only staying over once a fortnight, sometimes not, as she asks to go home as she misses her mum. Fair enough.

We decide as DSD is now staying over rather sporadically (her mother requested the arrangement change to every other weekend), that we didn't really see the point in keeping a bedroom for her, so we bought her a blow up bed for the odd night that she decided she actually wanted to stay over.

This was fine with DSD, and she slept on the blow up bed in DD's room, until out of the blue OH gets a text message from EX saying that until we provide a bed and bedroom for her daughter, she is no longer coming over. Not even for tea!
Is that fair?

And regarding the CSA. They are a bunch of Bastages!
They have c@cked up OH payments yet again. Computer says no!
He is currently paying £397 for one child p/m instead of £198.
Why? Because he overpaid a few years ago, they said, "Oh, you've overpaid by £800. Here, have it back in increments of £50 per month..."
Payments change because DSD is only staying over once in a blue moon, and computer says, "Oh, we'll have that £800 back please because we've lost your records so it looks like you've underpaid..."

Total joke. He's had to go to his MP with this. We are totally on our !!!!!!. His ex his getting money she is not entitled too. She's buying blackberry phones and UGG boots for a 10 year old. We're eating smart price and struggling for nappies.
She knows she is being overpaid. It has happened before.
She laughed at OH when he asked her about it.

She said she doesn't care because all they (CSA) can do when they eventually work it out is take it back off her £50 per month.

!!!!!.

Ahem.

Sorry, carry on

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

But ultimately no court will force a family to upgrade into a house they can't afford so a child can each have a room. Ex's can be extremley difficult - but people have to stand their ground and if, like the OP, you let them take an inch it will turn into a mile. No one forced the OP to upgrade, THEY (OP and OH) chose to and to blame the ex is ridiculous. The ex didn't point a gun and say 'move'

Don't get me wrong - I have been a nightmare ex and demanded my DD have a bed (a BED, not a bedroom) to herself. They refused stating that there was 'no room for a bed in the house so she needs to sleep on the floor' so I stopped over night contact. There is no way in hell I will let my child sleep on a floor whilst they all have beds - but never have I screamed "well move!"

brokenlily

Poraw - I just wanted to reach out to you and give you a big hug.

I'm an ex-steppie - and I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say financial reasons were part of my decision to leave that relationship.

To all those posters who have said you knew what you were getting into, he had kids already, blah blah, until you have been a step parent and in that situation, HELL NO you don't know what you're getting into. And the situation can change. My XOH's child was a nice enough 9 year old girl when I first got with him who was happy with very simple things, add on 3 years and a stroppy pre-teen (12 going on 17) and we had a whole new ball game, and I'm sorry but when you're a non resident parent you are frequently almost powerless because you are barely raising your kids, someone else is. Oh and of course, visitation was conditional upon money, and the child was raised to think of money in conjunction with love and affection.

Sorry I've gone on a bit of a rant, I just hate it when you are demonised as a "new partner" (ESPECIALLY if you are female) and you dare say that you are finding the sacrifices of step family life, which are all encompassing I might add, not just financial but emotional as well, difficult, then you are a wicked harridan stepmother bearing the most poisonous of apples. And I just wanted to tell you Poraw, you are not. You are human, and you should not be ashamed of feeling as you do. Of course the kids shouldn't be the ones to pay for it, and I don't think you suggested in any way that they should be.

In a family that is intact, where more children come into the situation, that means that everyone adjusts and the cost of more children is absorbed into the family. However, in a split family, it is expected that the first children will not have any sort of difference in lifestyle if more children come along from a subsequent relationship. How on earth is this realistic without depriving the later born children? In an intact family, surely you wouldn't dream of saying that you wouldn't buy things for your younger children so your older children didn't notice the difference???? And yet when there are stepfamilies, the second family is expected to do just that.

Perhaps that is the injustice that Poraw feels so keenly? Just a thought.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

But the point is - NONE of the kids should suffer. The op should, instead of the "woe is me, its his ex taking everything" attitude should look at what she herself is doing to give her kids the lifestyle she wants her kids to have.

brokenlily

I agree that the OP should look at the things that are within her power to do, that's sage advice for us all.

I just don't like the way she is demonised for speaking up how she feels about the situation, because it is tough, there's no two ways about it. I considered myself a rational, independent woman before I entered into a relationship with a man with a kid and an ex with an entitlement complex. Two years into it I realised I didn't recognise my bitter twisted self any more. At the time, I blamed the ex a good deal. Some of it was definitely down to her pretty damned awful behaviour which I won't go into here - but I was encouraged by everyone around me to suck it up for the sake of the child. The mental damage that keeping all that resentment and anxiety inside was massive, because I dared not show it to the world for fear of being thought a terrible person and having some of the same judgements I have seen on here being pronounced on me. Sometimes, those feelings just have to come out, and admitting them is the first step towards dealing with them.

While I say some of it was down to the ex, a lot more than I realised was due to the actions of my then partner because he could not say and stick to the word no, particularly not when it came to money, and I was not wise enough not to enter into any joint finances with him, knowing his tendencies, and I was unwise also not to look after myself financially, and have my own savings pot away from him and kiddo. Those were indeed actions I could have taken to avert my own fate (which was huge debt and ending up on this forum!)

Sometimes, you just need to get it all out to get clearer on how to fix stuff is all....just wanted people to be a tad more understanding, particularly those who haven't ever walked in those shoes.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I dont think peoples response is because the OP dislikes the ex - that's natural. I, personally disagree with the OP because its the children that was being blamed, when in actual fact its factors from OP, her OH, and both their ex's. I do sympathies with step parents, i can only imagine the difficulty (my OH is a step parent to my DD and we argued no end about her so I do know what its like - kinda) but its difficult to sympathise when good advise has been given but its being ignored (i do hope OP reads back when she's not as stressed and takes the advice)

I hope that made sense!

brokenlily

I agree that the kids aren't to blame, however I remember feeling very powerless to have any impact over my ex partner's daughter's behaviour and attitudes and that did make me rather resentful of her at times. However, the attitude she displayed was the one her parents allowed her to have, and the primary influence over that attitude was the ex as she was the main parent (not the choice of my ex-partner, he would have happily had his daughter full time if he'd been allowed).

It's hard though, when you are providing for a child/children and you perceive (that being the key thing) that your own kids are going without to provide those children with things your kids don't have, not to resent those children for having what your kids can't have. That's why I say, it's not palatable, but I'd defy anyone in that situation not to feel some resentment, particularly if these are kids who aren't very nice to you and you have little influence over the ways in which those children impact your life. It's the really little things that matter - I think I would have resented my ex's kid less if my ex had insisted on her at least being polite and respectful in our home, and I would have resented the money that endlessly flowed out towards her less. So there's more going on here than just the finances, is what I'm saying....

Before anyone has me down as a kid-hater or anything, let me just say that I'm a youth worker who works with teenagers every day and I love my job and love working with young people, but boy can their behaviour be awful at times, and I'm a straight talker, I'll call them on it. Some of their parents don't pull them up on bad manners, disrespect or bad attitudes (such as spoilt entitledness) and it doesn't do them any favours, not least because people don't tend to like them very much when they get out in the real world. In my youth centre, I can dish the tough love, but with my ex's kid, I wasn't able to do that, so there was a total sense of having no agency over a whole part of my life, and that's just not a good situation to be in mentally.

As far as the financial situation goes, there are solutions that have been offered which may offer practical relief, but the emotional wounds of the situation that have no doubt been going on for a while will need some attention too.