Step Family Advice

clearingout

why is it you resent this woman and her children so much? I'm really not sure I understand. If you met your partner when you were single and the relationship he had with the ex was well and truly over, what on earth is the problem?

indebtinsussex

shall we burn the op next as an example of what we do to evil step mums who clearly hate their step children and want to send them up the chimneys and down the mines.

I think that most people have been really unfair on what they have said to you, you're obviously having a sh*tty time at the moment, so heres a virtual hug.

About the weekend activites that the step children do, is there any chance they dont have to do them and you can spend family time together instead, I only ask because some of the dads I know who have their kids at the weekend dont take them to clubs or parties and literally just spend the weekend with them instead.

I'm not sure what to suggest at all for you but I can see your point of view and its got to be awful especially as that £175 that is being overpaid each month could be used for your children.

Did you say you brought or rented your house? Is there anyway you could move to another cheaper location? I honestly dont know if this is a viable choice for you but its at least something.

The DFW board is fantastic, and they may have some solutions for you that you may not have thought of before

Sorry I'm not much use at all, but I really do think youve been unfairly picked on

princessdreamer

why should the children give up their activities to keep daddies girlfriend happy. Surely all that matters is what the children want/need.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poraw wrote: »

Again, thanks for the other comments, mostly they are irrelevant but if I was to sit in and write down my entire situation with ALL the facts then I would be here all night and miss a Physics exam I have this evening. Its nice to be judged tho when people dont know all the facts and dont bother asking, just assuming.

We can only go on what you tell us hun - I suspect your first post was written knee jerked and since then its been quite defensive (There is a lot of ear bashing going on but a lot of constructive critisim too)

OK - Here's what i (personally) would do in your situation

Ignore the ex - Her financials etc have nothing to do with you. Go through the CSA and pay her accordingly (Obviously get it sorted with the WTC and CTC taken off if you dont recieve these)

As your studying, working PT and have 3 kids you need to prioritise. Given your financial statue and that you and your OH are struggling there are a few options. Drop the course and get a full time job (something i guess your not wanting to do) - Carry on the course but speak to tutors about it (Open uni might be bettter option?) and workn FT. Or - Carry on as you are and reasses your finances (again - DO go on the Debt free board and post an SOA)

Your OH works away all week - theres not much you can do about "your" family time. But you should not, ever, take away time from his other kids either. Instead - do something all together. Ok, so his child plays football at night - But he doesnt do anything sat day time so make that "family" time - THEY are your family, whether step children or not.

If you seriously cant afford your house - then down size, the ex will have to like it and lump it.

Your eldest - She really should be supported by her father too. If she's old enough can she not approach him for things like money for club trips etc? I know this isnt ideal but might work

There are hundreds of things you and your children can do for free. It doesnt have to be costly to enjoy. One of my DD's favorite past time is baking with me, do you do anything like that?

Do not harbour all this resentment - It will drive you crackers

On a side note - you mention the ex has "everything" handed to her. This is how my ex's fiance see's me. What she doesnt see is me struggling, and i refuse to let her. I like the fact it pi$$es her off. (In fact i think its brilliant) - this is because, like you, she started resenting my child - simply because me and the ex had "history". My DD doesnt see her dad because the GF doesnt "like" it. They get married next year - My DD isnt even invited, in fact they havent told her but thats up to them. The best way for me to "get" at them is to ignore them, show them I am coping (even when im not!) and that they really dont bother me.

Your OH's ex might be the same as me, she might not have it easy, but she wont let you see that.

YOU need to be the same, concerntrate on ALL the kids, have a happy home and be happy yourself.

princessdreamer

Mimi so true it kills the exs bit that I seem too be doing so much better than them. Ok I am and taking the piddly £5 a week out of their benefits is the icing on the cake. Still what I have I worked for and if she does not like it she can get a better job.

indebtinsussex

princessdreamer wrote: »

why should the children give up their activities to keep daddies girlfriend happy. Surely all that matters is what the children want/need.

its not about keeping daddies girlfriend happy, its about spending quality time with his kids

a lot of single fathers I know from my ds school do this. If they only get to spend time with their children every couple of weeks, they ensure that they get as much quality time with their kids as possible and dont take them to the clubs and class parties

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

indebtinsussex wrote: »

its not about keeping daddies girlfriend happy, its about spending quality time with his kids

a lot of single fathers I know from my ds school do this. If they only get to spend time with their children every couple of weeks, they ensure that they get as much quality time with their kids as possible and dont take them to the clubs and class parties

Ok, but the football is important to the child, so why deny him that? It's a weekly thing he goes to - and whilst quality time with dad is important - so is the football (For all we know he could be the next david beckham! Think of how your suggesting we ruin Englands world Cup chances in 2020 - ok, extreme but still lol)

I used to compete in Horse Trials when I was young(er) - It was what i lived for. If my parents had taken that away from me by god they would have had a full on tantruming child (I was spoilt - can you tell lol)

The child doesnt go to football until the evening - theres NOTHING stopping them having family time before this time, and whilst he is at football - they can bond with the other children

OP didnt say her OH stayed at football - she said he picked him up and that the hour that it takes from picking him up interrupted their family time.

An hour - seriously

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

P.S - the whole "children being rude" thing

They're kids, they will have attitudes (Think to what you was like as a young pre-teen) My 4 year old can be a right little madam at times!

They probably pick up on the fact your not happy - they probably think its because of them

The ex might be feeding them information - she might be saying "its her fault" etc - but your proving the ex right.

The kids will not respect you whilst you are in this rut.

Make an effort to be REALLY nice to them - make their weekends FANTASTIC with your family

Then when they go back to their mum and say "ooooooooooooooooo we did XXX and XX and it was BRILLIANT"

Your secretly giving her a kick in the teeth and trust me - NO amount of money will give you a greater feeling than that (lol)

FBaby

Your comments towards the mother of your step children re so derogatory I find it hard to believe that even if you dont say anything to the children's face your extreme feelings are made very clear hence the possible explanation for for their attitude.

affordmylife

its four days a month. if you cant manage that then i think you should consider your relationship. you knew he had two children when you met him did you expect him never to see them?

you detest his ex - not a problem just get over it - its only eating you up and serves no purpose.

do you want your baby to grow up with a weekend dad too. that would be fabulous. your eldest, your youngest and two step children all in a mess again.

ive been there i do know how hard it is but its only 4 days a month stop taking it so personally and chill out x