Step Family Advice

Poraw

Hi everyone

I need some advice regarding the situation I find myself in having step children.

A bit of background - Partner and I have a child together who is 1. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 9 and I have a child aged 13 from a previous relationship. His 2 children come and stay with us every other weekend.

We are not 'well off' in the slightest - whilst on maternity leave I was made redundant from my full time position and money is tight but we cope. We don't claim any benefits (except for Child Benefit for my 2 girls).

When my partner left his previous family home (his ex cheated on him twice with the godfather of their children) he pretty much left with just his clothing. She stayed in the family home, which he had paid a very sizeable chunk of the mortgage off and the arrangement was a charge would be put on the property so my OH would receive a (very insignificant) sum of money on conditions such as her marrying/partner moving in with her or the youngest child turning 18. She has recently put the house up for sale. She did not discuss this with my partner despite his financial interest in the house or the fact its his children's home. We are unaware what her plans are at present. My partner also pays a substantial amount of maintenance to her each month as per the CSA (She went to the CSA after he reduced the payment according to their online calculator following the birth of our child)

Now here lies my problem, and I apologise if this turns into a lengthy rant but I really feel like its tearing me and my relationship apart. I am starting to feel very resentful of his 2 kids. I feel like we are having to 'cope' financially whilst they 'have it all'. We had to buy a larger property when we found out we were expecting our youngest as we had a 2 bed flat which was fine for when his children visited every other weekend and there was no baby, but we had to upgrade to a 4 bedroom house to ensure his children had a bedroom of their own when visting (for all 4 nights a month....) whilst the baby has a box room and my teenager has a room of her own. My teenager is unable to attend extra curricular clubs as we simply cannot afford it, and the same goes for the baby, I am unable to afford to take her to playgroups, swimming lessons etc etc. Whilst his children attend karate, cubs, beavers and 2 different football clubs a week.

The football clubs directly affects our time as a family. They both attend football on a Friday night which finishes at 8.30 but is always running late. Partner goes to collect them leaving at 8pm and does not return before 9pm. One of them then plays in a Sunday team and does 2 matches a week at varying times, ie one might be at 9.40am with the next at 1.20pm so we can never plan to do anything on a Friday night or a Sunday because of their commitments. The weekend just gone was a prime example of a wasted weekend in my eyes - Partner was gone for 2 hours taking one to a party on Saturday afternoon, then the other on Saturday evening, followed by Football Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon and another party late Sunday afternoon.

On top if this constant disruption and lack of spending time together as a family, I just feel like partners ex continually takes the p!!! out of him. Despite a very generous sum each month via the CSA she asks him to contribute 50% towards a school trip (50% was £50) that the eldest is going on. She can easily afford to pay this herself with the very small mortgage she has along with her salary and monies received from partner. So whilst we have to cut back and say no to my teenager, partner gives her the extra money. I am furious when I am always saying no to my girls and cant do a whole lot with them.

To top it off, OH has kids every other weekend. Last Xmas fell on OH's weekend yet their mum cannot bare not to have them xmas day so wont let OH have them. Instead he picks them up Boxing day for a couple of days and last year had them new year (despite it not being 'his weekend' to have them) This year would be our weekend to have them but we have the opportunity to go out and seeing as we had them last year I dont see why we should have them this year. Surely stuff like xmas and new year should be shared so both parents get the chance to do something special on these occasions?

Sorry its so long, but its really affecting me and making me not want to have to go through this for the next 11 years until the youngest is 18. I hate that my girls cannot live a better lifestyle because we are funding theirs and their mother treating us like glorified babysitters on many occasions really gets my back up.

Am I being totally unreasonable? Should I just 'put up and shut up' or my feelings of wanting to change meaning probably separating from my partner so I dont have to feel like this over 2 kids who dont even have the courtesy to say hello to me in my own home.

Gigglepig

I understand why you find it annoying... but you chose to get in a relationship with someone who already has kids. What sort of man would he be, if he didn't try to support them to the best of his ability? The time he spends with/on his kids is is hardly a waste of time (and there are much worse things he could be doing).

A couple of thoughts on your post:
- it seems you upgraded the property because of having a new baby, not because of his kids (they were already there, so don't blame them)
- CSA contributions are not maintenance "to her", they are for the kids... Again, they were already there before you were in the picture, so don't resent them for this
- also, CSA is not really "very generous" but more like the minimum the non-resident parent has to pay; many responsible parents pay more to make sure their kids live well
- If you partner made a poor settlement with his ex I see why you find that annoying, but it is too late now to do anything about it?
- if your OH is 'spineless' regarding contact days then be annoyed with him rather than the ex- but keep in mind a bit of flexibility on his part may make life simpler for his kids...
- if you get to have them for New Year despite it not being your OH's turn, this is surely a nice thing for your OH, please try to focus on the opportunity to do something nice together all of you.

It is great that your step kids can have a nice lifestyle - hopefully after your maternity leave you can get another job and your teen will also be able to enjoy those activities...

It must be very stressful to be made redundant whilst on maternity leave, and to be on a tight budget, and step families aren't always easy, so I understand where these negative feelings are coming from - but please don't take it out on your step kids. Perhaps it may help to talk through all these feelings and concerns with your OH and a counsellor.

Good luck :-)

mildred1978

Poraw wrote: »

We had to buy a larger property when we found out we were expecting our youngest as we had a 2 bed flat which was fine for when his children visited every other weekend and there was no baby, but we had to upgrade to a 4 bedroom house to ensure his children had a bedroom of their own when visting (for all 4 nights a month....) whilst the baby has a box room and my teenager has a room of her own.

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous and absolutely nothing to do with the ex or their children.

Poraw

I would love the children to come and stay more often, but his ex always says no - unless it on her terms - ie she has a night out/weekend away and litterally uses us like babysitters - yet if we ask for the children to come and stay, like over the summer we did for a family wedding we are told they are unable. They were not allowed to come and meet their new sister when she was born for over 10 days - and their mother told them infront of OH that 'she wasnt their real sister' Nice huh?

And we did need to buy a larger property. We lived in a small 2 bed flat and his children slept in our bed and us on sofas when they came to stay. The other room was a single and the 13 year old slept there. No room for additional beds in that room. Their mother expressed concerns that if we bought a 3 bed house her children wouldnt have their own bedroom when visiting us so was a large factor. As it is, they are in a double room whilst the baby is in a room with just a cot as there is no room for anything else.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poraw wrote: »

Hi everyone

I need some advice regarding the situation I find myself in having step children.

A bit of background - Partner and I have a child together who is 1. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 9 and I have a child aged 13 from a previous relationship. His 2 children come and stay with us every other weekend.

We are not 'well off' in the slightest - whilst on maternity leave I was made redundant from my full time position and money is tight but we cope. We don't claim any benefits (except for Child Benefit for my 2 girls).

When my partner left his previous family home (his ex cheated on him twice with the godfather of their children) he pretty much left with just his clothing. She stayed in the family home, which he had paid a very sizeable chunk of the mortgage off and the arrangement was a charge would be put on the property so my OH would receive a (very insignificant) sum of money on conditions such as her marrying/partner moving in with her or the youngest child turning 18. She has recently put the house up for sale. She did not discuss this with my partner despite his financial interest in the house or the fact its his children's home. We are unaware what her plans are at present. My partner also pays a substantial amount of maintenance to her each month as per the CSA (She went to the CSA after he reduced the payment according to their online calculator following the birth of our child)

It isnt the Ex's fault your OH walked away without taking things etc

Charge order - Why does she need to discuss this with your OH? she wants to sell - He gets a % from that sale. She isnt going to make herself and her children homeless so the fact she is moving really doesnt have anything to do with you or your OH as long as you know the children are safe etc and still have access

CSA - so he should pay - They are his kids after all

Now here lies my problem, and I apologise if this turns into a lengthy rant but I really feel like its tearing me and my relationship apart. I am starting to feel very resentful of his 2 kids. I feel like we are having to 'cope' financially whilst they 'have it all'. They're MUM supports them too - Have you actually looked at your finances (properly) to see if you can be better off and "have it all" too? We had to buy a larger property when we found out we were expecting our youngest as we had a 2 bed flat which was fine for when his children visited every other weekend and there was no baby, but we had to upgrade to a 4 bedroom house to ensure his children had a bedroom of their own when visting (for all 4 nights a month....) whilst the baby has a box room and my teenager has a room of her own. You didnt HAVE to move - you CHOSE to move. There is NO reason children cant share rooms (deoendant upon their sex) and WHY couldnt your baby have the bigger room and give on of the kids who stay 4 nights a month the box room? That is, again, YOUR choice, Nothing to do with the ex or the kids. My teenager is unable to attend extra curricular clubs as we simply cannot afford it, and the same goes for the baby, I am unable to afford to take her to playgroups, swimming lessons etc etc. Whilst his children attend karate, cubs, beavers and 2 different football clubs a week. That has NOTHING to do with the ex! It isnt her fault that YOU and YOUR kids can't do things because YOU can't afford them

The football clubs directly affects our time as a family. They both attend football on a Friday night which finishes at 8.30 but is always running late. Partner goes to collect them leaving at 8pm and does not return before 9pm. Why is this affecting your family time? It is an HOUR. Your baby isnt going to miss the dad for an hour. Neither are your children. YOUR children get time with your OH EVERY single day of the week - His kids dont get to see him that often. If anything it is affecting THEIR time with him. One of them then plays in a Sunday team and does 2 matches a week at varying times, ie one might be at 9.40am with the next at 1.20pm so we can never plan to do anything on a Friday night or a Sunday because of their commitments. So do something during the week when you havent got his kids? The weekend just gone was a prime example of a wasted weekend in my eyes - Partner was gone for 2 hours taking one to a party on Saturday afternoon, then the other on Saturday evening, followed by Football Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon and another party late Sunday afternoon. so he was spending time with his kids and you saw it as a waste?

On top if this constant disruption and lack of spending time together as a family, I just feel like partners ex continually takes the p!!! out of him. Despite a very generous sum each month via the CSA she asks him to contribute 50% towards a school trip (50% was £50) that the eldest is going on. CSA payments ARENT there for school trips - They are there for EVERY DAY living- Roof over their heads, gas, elec, food etc. She can easily afford to pay this herself with the very small mortgage she has along with her salary and monies received from partner. So because she has a better financial state she should have to stumpn up for everything? So whilst we have to cut back and say no to my teenager, partner gives her the extra money. I am furious when I am always saying no to my girls and cant do a whole lot with them. Ok - Look at it another way. Why should HIS kids suffer because of YOUR finances (OK, so they should be joint but i'm trying to show you another POV)

To top it off, OH has kids every other weekend. Last Xmas fell on OH's weekend yet their mum cannot bare not to have them xmas day so wont let OH have them. Instead he picks them up Boxing day for a couple of days and last year had them new year (despite it not being 'his weekend' to have them) This year would be our weekend to have them but we have the opportunity to go out and seeing as we had them last year I dont see why we should have them this year. Because your OH agreed to have them last year - He didnt HAVE to have them. That's his fault, not the ex Surely stuff like xmas and new year should be shared so both parents get the chance to do something special on these occasions? In theory - doesnt always work though

Sorry its so long, but its really affecting me and making me not want to have to go through this for the next 11 years until the youngest is 18. I hate that my girls cannot live a better lifestyle because we are funding theirs and their mother treating us like glorified babysitters on many occasions really gets my back up.

Am I being totally unreasonable? Should I just 'put up and shut up' or my feelings of wanting to change meaning probably separating from my partner so I dont have to feel like this over 2 kids who dont even have the courtesy to say hello to me in my own home.

Sorry - I know my above bits sound really harsh and i really dont mean it to come across that was but i'm on the "other" side of things. My Ex's Fiance is a nightmare - she's same mind set as you. I have a better job and more income than they do so therefore they dont think they should have to support our child. Sorry - but it took two people to make the children, it takes two people to support them REGARDLESS whether one is better off than the other

princessdreamer

They are his children he does not babysit he spends time with his children. If the ex has a good life you should be congratulating her, she clearly puts her children first, spending money on their activities.
Your choice have affected your life not hers, of course she expects the children to have a room. The sad fact in life is poeple should only have children they can afford, the rest of us make choices and we have to pay for them. Blaming his children is wrong.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poraw wrote: »

I would love the children to come and stay more often, but his ex always says no - unless it on her terms - ie she has a night out/weekend away and litterally uses us like babysitters - yet if we ask for the children to come and stay, like over the summer we did for a family wedding we are told they are unable. They were not allowed to come and meet their new sister when she was born for over 10 days - and their mother told them infront of OH that 'she wasnt their real sister' Nice huh?

And we did need to buy a larger property. We lived in a small 2 bed flat and his children slept in our bed and us on sofas when they came to stay. The other room was a single and the 13 year old slept there. No room for additional beds in that room. Their mother expressed concerns that if we bought a 3 bed house her children wouldnt have their own bedroom when visiting us so was a large factor. As it is, they are in a double room whilst the baby is in a room with just a cot as there is no room for anything else.

But you could have told the ex to shove off! No court will make you buy a bigger house for 4 nights a month. it was YOUR choice to move into a house you cant really afford.

mildred1978

Poraw wrote: »

And we did need to buy a larger property. We lived in a small 2 bed flat and his children slept in our bed and us on sofas when they came to stay. The other room was a single and the 13 year old slept there. No room for additional beds in that room. Their mother expressed concerns that if we bought a 3 bed house her children wouldnt have their own bedroom when visiting us so was a large factor. As it is, they are in a double room whilst the baby is in a room with just a cot as there is no room for anything else.

Well then that's your problem for listening to her!

Bennifred

Could you not ask your older daughter's father for help with her expenses for clubs, etc? Does she spend time with her father in the way your step children spend time with theirs?

newcook

could you not have bought bunk beds and gone for a 3 bed house?

sorry, but Im going to be in the camp of ‘put up and shut up’ – you knew when you met your OH that he had 2 children, you have both chosen to expand your family.

You say that you want more time with OH’s children but then say that you don’t see why you should have them this new year as you had them last new year. What were your plans for your baby and teenager for new year? Could you not still do what you have planned and include OH’s children?

With regards to trips and things, OH needs to tell ex that things need to be discussed first – if she doesn’t discuss it then she should expect to foot the bill for the trip herself.


Can she sell the house with OH’s name still on the deeds?!

*Robin*

Umm, why isn't your elder daughter's father paying half towards her after-school clubs, school trips etc?
You make no mention of him.