Step Family Advice

Poraw

You know, your all right, and as this affects me and my children in a detrimental way, the only way I see it as I should seperate from my partner so these things dont have to bother me.

I would love for me and my kids to spend time doing stuff with him during the week as someone suggested - but he works away all week, not something he enjoys but to enable to him keep a job in this current climate so we dont see him in the week. To be fair, my daughter would get more quality time with her father if we were separate.

Thanks for the input, was useful.

Poraw

*Robin* wrote: »

Umm, why isn't your elder daughter's father paying half towards her after-school clubs, school trips etc?
You make no mention of him.

He pays CSA but at £13.72 a week which barely covers her lunchbox for school. He does not see her - his choice.

Bennifred

OP, you haven't answered the questions about your older daughter's father - isn't he in the same position as your current partner?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poraw wrote: »

You know, your all right, and as this affects me and my children in a detrimental way, the only way I see it as I should seperate from my partner so these things dont have to bother me.

I would love for me and my kids to spend time doing stuff with him during the week as someone suggested - but he works away all week, not something he enjoys but to enable to him keep a job in this current climate so we dont see him in the week. To be fair, my daughter would get more quality time with her father if we were separate.

Thanks for the input, was useful.

Sorry but your first paragraph - that's the silliest thing i've heard - I do hope you meant it tongue in cheek

Have a wandr over to the Debt Free board and fill in an SOA - They can hellp you adjust your bills and make suggestions of where to cut the monthly bills down in ways you might not have thought of.

I know it is frustrating - but his kids where there before you and yours. NONE of the kids should have to suffer but you shouldnt be blaming the kids and the ex for your household

clearingout

I am afraid I'm in agreement with all of the above - as frustrating as it is, you are with a man who has children by another woman and he has obligations towards those children and at some level, indirect obligations towards his ex.

Would you prefer to be with a man who by putting you and your feelings first, ignores the needs of his 'first' (can't think of a better way of putting that - sorry if it offends) children, won't allow them to attend their activities on 'your' time, refuses to pay maintenance for them, and therefore has an ex who is struggling to the extent that it impacts on the health and well being of his children? I have an ex husband who does all of that, with the 'blessing' of his new partner. What she doesn't seem to get is that if he's prepared to do that to me, the woman he once married and therefore presumably loved, and the children he'll tell you he adores, what on earth is he going to do to her when he gets fed up with her (which will, inevitably, happen)?

Why not be proud you live with a decent man who's able to put the needs of his children first?

Poraw

Bennifred wrote: »

OP, you haven't answered the questions about your older daughter's father - isn't he in the same position as your current partner?

I did, above this post

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poraw wrote: »

He pays CSA but at £13.72 a week which barely covers her lunchbox for school. He does not see her - his choice.

Ok, but that doesnt mean your partner should only pay that to his kids with the ex when he has a better job.

YOUR ex isnt supporting HIS child. your OH is -You should be proud of your OH for manning up

Poraw

clearingout wrote: »

I am afraid I'm in agreement with all of the above - as frustrating as it is, you are with a man who has children by another woman and he has obligations towards those children and at some level, indirect obligations towards his ex.

Would you prefer to be with a man who by putting you and your feelings first, ignores the needs of his 'first' (can't think of a better way of putting that - sorry if it offends) children, won't allow them to attend their activities on 'your' time, refuses to pay maintenance for them, and therefore has an ex who is struggling to the extent that it impacts on the health and well being of his children? I have an ex husband who does all of that, with the 'blessing' of his new partner. What she doesn't seem to get is that if he's prepared to do that to me, the woman he once married and therefore presumably loved, and the children he'll tell you he adores, what on earth is he going to do to her when he gets fed up with her (which will, inevitably, happen)?

Why not be proud you live with a decent man who's able to put the needs of his children first?

I do think he should contribute a fair amount towards their upbringing - with ALL factors taken into consideration. Their mother works part time claiming TC/CTC/CB, lives literally on a £80 a month mortgage (I know this as have seen the paperwork as part of their settlement). I want him to support his children but in a fair and flexible way. Which the current situation isnt.

Anyhow, I am clearly in the wrong wanting fairness for my children and as their mother I will ensure my best to get it, so no, my comment was not tongue in cheek.

thewanted_2

Poraw wrote: »

You know, your all right, and as this affects me and my children in a detrimental way, the only way I see it as I should seperate from my partner so these things dont have to bother me.

I would love for me and my kids to spend time doing stuff with him during the week as someone suggested - but he works away all week, not something he enjoys but to enable to him keep a job in this current climate so we dont see him in the week. To be fair, my daughter would get more quality time with her father if we were separate.

Thanks for the input, was useful.

Stop and breathe.

How on earth did you reach this conclusion from what people have said? You must have already been feeling like this. Is this getting you down on a day to day basis or is it just today?

Edit: gosh things moved on whilst i was typing! Your ex doesn't give much, is he a low wage earner, is it time for a re-assessment?

Firstly, your present partner has commitments to his kids and to you and your baby. Secondly, your eldest's father has commitments to her.

First look at your eldest and think about whether you are receiving money for her from her father. Start a separate account for that money to go into and then look at sending a quarter of the money across to pay household bills. Use the new account to buy things which are purely for her.

From what I'm reading, it's difficult for you to work having a young baby and because your husband is away with work so you don't have the means to increase income. Are you able to claim Child tax credit or working tax credit through you husband?

Is your husband aware of you feel? Does he know his new child is losing out and the things you want to do with the baby?

Personally, I think you need a quiet discussion with him, where you attach no blame. Ask him if he can find ways where you can increase your income and decrease your outgoings so that new baby and your daughter can have some fun.

brians_daughter

Goodness I dont usually post if i have nothing positive to say but please look at your comments i have highlighted below

She did not discuss this with my partner despite his financial interest in the house or the fact its his children's home.

Seek legal advice about the financial interest and as long as shes not planning on moving 200 miles away i cant see what business it is of anyones but theirs?

My partner also pays a substantial amount of maintenance to her each month as per the CSA ..
If it goes via CSA he will be paying what the CSA deem fit ie 20% of his income minus his disregard for your children

We had to buy a larger property when we found out we were expecting our youngest

No it was your choice to upsize. The other children were there before your youngest and all this should have been factored in TBH you didnt ned to move many many parents give up their room and buy a blow up bed for the parnts to sleep downstairs when step children are staying. I have 4 children and 3 bedrooms - they share!

The weekend just gone was a prime example of a wasted weekend in my eyes - Partner was gone for 2 hours taking one to a party on Saturday afternoon, then the other on Saturday evening, followed by Football Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon and another party late Sunday afternoon.

Surely a father spending time with his children enjoying their activities isnt a wasted weekend?

I hate that my girls cannot live a better lifestyle because we are funding theirs

Well urm what can i say here. You arent fiunding their lifestyle your hubby is paying what he is obliged to, from your post its no more no less maybe the odd trip which if you cant afford to contribute to then say so to the ex a you are already fulfilling your obligations via CSA. If you want 'more' for your children then attempt to go back into employment. I have 4 children (3 of which are 5 or under) and i work so its certianally doable. If childcare is an issue try homeworking through such places as shop direct (littlewoods etc) you can work between 7 am to 11 pm so you should be able to find shifts that fit

Am I being totally unreasoYesnable?

If it was my ex;s partner who was speaking of my childrens ralationship with their father the answer would be yes...

I dont have to feel like this over 2 kids who dont even have the courtesy to say hello to me in my own home

Children pick up on negativity so in all honesty i am not suprised at this comment in the slightest

I really do not want to post without offering some form of advice...but all i can muster is please re-read your comments and put the boot on the other foot ie its your childrens step mother writting these things? Hoping that will give you some form of perspective or maybe you are just havinga bit of a blow out - xmas is stressful for even the nuclear family

Try the debt free board and old style boards in order to try and cut your expenditure therefore enabling you to have more spare £s to spend on all the children?

ETA, I am not speaking through rose tinted glasses. My ex hubby had a daughter when we got together - we went on to have 4 children together then he left us for a younger model, however i still see my step daughter (although she doesnt stay over now as shes all grown up and a mummy herself) so i do understand the whole, parents, step-parent, hubbys ex, your ex type situ and i do know it can be hard at times.

Good luck x