Step Family Advice

Gigglepig

Poraw wrote: »

You know, your all right, and as this affects me and my children in a detrimental way, the only way I see it as I should seperate from my partner so these things dont have to bother me.
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I think what is affecting you is your own negative feelings... it is a bit drastic to separate over your OH being a good dad!? Please try to talk to someone first about how you are feeling, and perhaps try to go to Relate with your OH.

Rather than comparing your own lifestyle to that of his ex and feeling resentful, and resenting time and money spent on "his" kids, focus on getting a well paid job and what you can do to improve your lifestyle. Hopefully you are just going through a rough patch right now, with a redundancy, baby and a new mortgage.

It also isn't just about you, but what is best for your kids. If your OH is a good dad to the 1yo and role model for the 13yo why even think of taking that away from them?

I think if you work a bit on your feelings and attitudes here you may end up feeling proud of your OH rather than resentful that he does better by "his" kids than your ex is doing by your 13yo.

Perhaps you feel quite let down by your own ex partner... could that be another reason why this is a sore subject? that is very understandable. Perhaps you can ask him for a contribution to a school trip or after school club - you never know, he may pay them, in particular if the money goes straight to the organiser rather than into your general housekeeping budget.

mildred1978

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

There is NO reason children cant share rooms (deoendant upon their sex) and WHY couldnt your baby have the bigger room and give on of the kids who stay 4 nights a month the box room?

i think that only applies to social housing. It certainly shouldn't be an issue for a few nights a month. Victorians with 12 or 14 children lived perfectly happily in 2 up 2 down terraced housing!

Seanymph

I totally understand how you feel. I'm afraid I'm not a member of the put up and shut up brigade.

Somehow in our society we need to get more supportive of step parents, and more understanding of the issues they face.

You need to take a look at your circumstances first, do you want to remain with this man? If no, then start an exit plan if yes then go on to question 2.

Do you feel you have ever really, in a thought out and knowledgeable way, discussed your FAMILY boundaries when it comes to his ex and his children. If you have then onto question three - if not, then now is the time to consider things long and hard, and decide where you stand so you CAN discuss it.

Resentment is a killer. And an ex who appears to have got the cream, whilst your OH is left with nothing, is a prime culprit for generating resentment.

Firstly, your house is an investment, a good environment for YOUR children, and probably would have happened anyway, so let it go. But, your kids should have the best bedrooms - it's their home. It is the second home of your step children. So your children get most space.

You can ask the CSA for a reassessment - it may be worth doing that.

In your shoes I would demand that my partner did not give any additional monies. I'd also tell him my daughter (the teen) wanted to do xxx club, and ask him for money for that.

I suspect that in order to be seen to be supportive, indeed, to BE supportive, you have allowed your own children to be sidelined slightly, and you have been accomodating to the point that you now feel resentment.

Responsibility lies with you now to step up, put your children firmly on the agenda, start asserting exactly what you want for them, and what you are prepared for your household to do with regard to his children - his ex doesn't even figure in the discussion.

It's hard - if you'd rather PM me then feel free (you seem to have taken a bit of a bashing!) - but actually there are hundreds more reading step mums who feel the same, they just daren't say anything because you feel so guilty if you aren't seen to be all embracing. Well, you've done that - you are normal - time to review things.

Poraw

thewanted wrote: »

Stop and breathe.

How on earth did you reach this conclusion from what people have said? You must have already been feeling like this. Is this getting you down on a day to day basis or is it just today?

Everyday, getting worse over the last 2 years. What I have put here today is just the tip of the iceberg.

Firstly, your present partner has commitments to his kids and to you and your baby. Secondly, your eldest's father has commitments to her.

First look at your eldest and think about whether you are receiving money for her from her father. Start a separate account for that money to go into and then look at sending a quarter of the money across to pay household bills. Use the new account to buy things which are purely for her.

He pays £13.72 a week. He is self employed and a long running battle with the CSA to assess his ACTUAL income have been fruitless. Because the CSA are adament we receive CTC/WTC (which we are not entitled to so dont!) my OH assessment is wrong and has been for over 18 months. He is paying around £175 in addition to what the assessment should be. Our MP is involved but I am doubting the overpayment wont get sorted out anytime soon.

From what I'm reading, it's difficult for you to work having a young baby and because your husband is away with work so you don't have the means to increase income. Are you able to claim Child tax credit or working tax credit through you husband?
We are unable to claim any benefits including childcare fees. The cost of childcare would mean me working a full time job for around £27 a week. Thats before fuel to get to the job etc.

Is your husband aware of you feel? Does he know his new child is losing out and the things you want to do with the baby? He knows and it causes many rows.

Personally, I think you need a quiet discussion with him, where you attach no blame. Ask him if he can find ways where you can increase your income and decrease your outgoings so that new baby and your daughter can have some fun.

Outgoings have been decreased to the point that we are in minus figures every month.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poraw wrote: »

I do think he should contribute a fair amount towards their upbringing - with ALL factors taken into consideration. Their mother works part time claiming TC/CTC/CB, lives literally on a £80 a month mortgage (I know this as have seen the paperwork as part of their settlement). I want him to support his children but in a fair and flexible way. Which the current situation isnt.

Anyhow, I am clearly in the wrong wanting fairness for my children and as their mother I will ensure my best to get it, so no, my comment was not tongue in cheek.

CSA doesnt take into all factors - They take into account the DAY-TO-DAY living costs. Roof, food, elec, gas, clothes. It's actually in the process of changing - instead of taking into account the last 3 months wage slip it will go off the P60 (Great news for me, my ex claims he earns £17k a year - he actually earns £32 with OT - Bad news for his GF who is kicking off already because he gives me £200 a month )

YOU get CB too

TC and CTC are there TO BE CLAIMED. When you go back to work you might be entitled to these too.

Seriously - go on the DFW board and fill in the SOA https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/107280 They really do help sort out finances etc

Wanting fairness - great - but why on earth are you blaming his ex and his children for YOUR decisions? Your ex is WORSE than his ex by only supporting your child with £13 a week.

clearingout

Look, I have three children - the first was born on 2 full time wages, the second on a full and a part-time wage and the third on benefits (born post separation). He has missed out enormously compared with his brothers in terms of activities, toys etc. and probably his mum's attention because I've been pre-occupied with an ex husband and all his rubbish!

It is normal for older children to have hand me downs, small bedrooms and spend hours sitting in the car whilst the older children attend activities. This happens in 'normal' families, let alone those where separations have taken place and new families formed. I bet your baby enjoys having the other children around and is more than happy watching the world go by from the comfort of the car seat. My youngest can't wait for the others to come home everyday and is happy to stand in the queue to retreive his older brother from Beavers. He doesn't know any different, even if I do and I sometimes get upset for him and how his short life has so far panned out. Is it my fault? No. Is there anything I can do about it? No. Am I being the best mum I can be with the money I have in my pocket and the seething resentment I feel towards me ex?! Probably!

Don't be hard on yourself and don't let those of us shouting at you for wanting more upset you. Life's hard. I do find, as horribly cliched as it is, that being grateful for what you do have, rather than upset about what you don't, helps enormously.

krlyr

What their mum spends her money on is really nothing to do with you or even your OH. His maintenance has been decided by the CSA - can't get much fairer than that, it's not the mum deciding the figure. She wants 50% contribution to costs like school trips - if they were together, would they not have contributed equally? If you truly cannot afford it then he has to say no, I can't afford it - same as if they were together and money was tight. Then their mum can decide whether to pay it all herself or tell the kids no, it's not financially viable. Children won't die if they don't get to go on a school trip and IMO it does them good to realise they can't have everything - as a child I only got to go on one school trip out of the half a dozen available because my parents couldn't afford to send me to all of them. I knew money was the issue and that was that.
Your OH hasn't had a gun put to his head and been told he HAS to pay 50% of expenses outside of maintenance, he HAS to give up his weekends for his kids, he HAS to buy a 4 bedroom house, etc. - he's decided to do it to provide for his kids and that's his choice, if you have an issue with it then you need to speak to him, not blame the mum for it all.
Stepchildren are difficult and I believe the stats say lots of second marriages fail due to issues relating to stepchildren, but you need to take responsibility and address the issue with your OH if you want things to change.

elvis86

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be a bit harsh as I'm pretty shocked by your post.

Poraw wrote: »

A bit of background - Partner and I have a child together who is 1. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 9 and I have a child aged 13 from a previous relationship. His 2 children come and stay with us every other weekend.

Firstly, both you and your partner should have thought about finances before having what would become your 2nd, his 3rd, and between you your 4th child. The kids who were already here didn't make that baby.

Poraw wrote: »

My partner also pays a substantial amount of maintenance to her each month as per the CSA (She went to the CSA after he reduced the payment according to their online calculator following the birth of our child)

You seem to object to your OH paying maintenance for his kids? This is completely unfair (do you receive maintenance from your eldest's father? If not, are you bitter about that? Or do you not agree that a father should contribute to raising his kids?).

Furthermore, it may be how the system works, but I don't see why she should be expected to feed and clothe her children on less money, just because their dad decided to have a child with someone else? I've never understood the logic behind that. His obligations to his existing kids shouldn't be forfeited becase he's now chosen to have a baby with you.

Poraw wrote: »

We had to buy a larger property when we found out we were expecting our youngest as we had a 2 bed flat which was fine for when his children visited every other weekend and there was no baby, but we had to upgrade to a 4 bedroom house to ensure his children had a bedroom of their own when visting (for all 4 nights a month....) whilst the baby has a box room and my teenager has a room of her own.

a) Your OH has children and is responsible for providing suitable accomodation for them when he has them to stay.

b) The situation changed because you and your OH chose to have a baby, nothing to do with he children or his ex.

c) Presumably you would've moved anyway, as I can't imagine your 13 year old would've been thrilled to share a room with the baby?

c) Nobody forced you to buy your house, least of all your OH's children.

Poraw wrote: »

On top if this constant disruption and lack of spending time together as a family

a) Your OH's children are part of your family, just as much as your eldest daughter is.

b) You knew what you were taking on when you began a relationship with a man with 2 children. Surely as a mum yourself you appreciate that children take up a lot of time?

Poraw wrote: »

Despite a very generous sum each month via the CSA she asks him to contribute 50% towards a school trip (50% was £50) that the eldest is going on

Again, being resentful that your OH has to contribute towards his children's upbringing is unfair. The amount of times that single mums will post here complaining that their ex thinks his maintenance should cover everything, demanding money for the kids' lunch on the day he has them etc? Sounds to me like your OH is doing the right thing.

Poraw wrote: »

She can easily afford to pay this herself with the very small mortgage she has along with her salary and monies received from partner.

Presumably the mortgage was paid when she and your OH were a couple? Even if her contribution within the relationship was solely raising the kids, her contribution was every bit as valid as your OH's and she's entitled to her share of the family home. Her income is none of your business. It may seem unfair, but your OH's kids have 2 parents who work, whist your child together and your teenager have a mum who is unemployed. That's not the ex's fault, or the children's.

Poraw wrote: »

To top it off, OH has kids every other weekend. Last Xmas fell on OH's weekend yet their mum cannot bare not to have them xmas day so wont let OH have them. Instead he picks them up Boxing day for a couple of days and last year had them new year (despite it not being 'his weekend' to have them) This year would be our weekend to have them but we have the opportunity to go out and seeing as we had them last year I dont see why we should have them this year. Surely stuff like xmas and new year should be shared so both parents get the chance to do something special on these occasions?

Christmas demands different arrangements for most families. Again, with your older child, if Christmas day had fallen on her dad's weekend when she was younger, would you have been happy not to see her at all? Your New Year request isn't unreasonable, but have you even asked the ex, or are you just getting yourself worked up about the idea that she will say no?:cool:

Poraw wrote: »

Sorry its so long, but its really affecting me and making me not want to have to go through this for the next 11 years until the youngest is 18. I hate that my girls cannot live a better lifestyle because we are funding theirs and their mother treating us like glorified babysitters on many occasions really gets my back up.

You should've thought about this before you got into a relationship with the guy, before you moved in with him, before you decided to have a baby with him...Unless he only told you about these kids in the past few months?

Poraw wrote: »

Am I being totally unreasonable? Should I just 'put up and shut up' or my feelings of wanting to change meaning probably separating from my partner so I dont have to feel like this over 2 kids who dont even have the courtesy to say hello to me in my own home.

Yes, I think you're being completely unreasonable. Your attitude stinks to be honest, and if his kids are aware of how much you resent them, then to be quite honest I'm hardly surprised that they ignore you. It's their dad's home too, they have just as much right to be there as your children together.

You seem to wish that his life before never happened, and that his children didn't exist. I could understand a little more if you weren't already a mum yourself. But as it is, you brought you own baggage into the relationship, in the shape of your eldest daughter.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop blaming everyone else (and particularly innocent children) for your situation and shortcomings, and focus on making a better life for your daughters if that's what you want. But not at the expense of your OH's other kids.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

mildred1978 wrote: »

i think that only applies to social housing. It certainly shouldn't be an issue for a few nights a month. Victorians with 12 or 14 children lived perfectly happily in 2 up 2 down terraced housing!

I did think they could still (legally) share but wasnt 100%

Poraw wrote: »

Outgoings have been decreased to the point that we are in minus figures every month.

Ok - frustrating that your ex doesnt support his children - but thats no reason to blame your OH's ex. If YOUR ex supported HIS child then your financial status would be much different and you might not feel all this resentment. Aim it at the right person xx

Poraw

YOU get CB too - this will be lost with the proposed changes as OH is just over Higher Tax Rate

TC and CTC are there TO BE CLAIMED. When you go back to work you might be entitled to these too. [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]We are not entitled to them now on one income, we wont be on 2![/COLOR]