christmas/new year when split with kids

peachyprice

thewanted wrote: »

victory wrote: »

My issue is that if we are to have a serious relationship and move in together, it's not going to be ideal if every New Year and Christmas day he spends with his ex wife.

But it won't be forever, they are 7 and 10, it won't be that long, in the grand scale of long term relationships, before the children are deciding where they want to be and what they want to do at Christmas.

It's just once a year, a time for children, that's all. It's not like he's going over there every Sunday for dinner.

lostinrates

thewanted wrote: »

victory wrote: »

If he wasn't, I wouldn't be with him. The attention he gives his children is part of what makes him such a lovely man. My issue is that if we are to have a serious relationship and move in together, it's not going to be ideal if every New Year and Christmas day he spends with his ex wife. I can understand him wanting to have them on those days, it's the charade of being back as a family to do it, I'm not convinced that that is in the long term interest of children either, although I realise that everyone has a different way of approaching these things

I wonder if her new partner has kids too?

If not, as you do, and things remain amicable, or indeed become more so, perhaps you could all spend christmas together. There is no reason they, and you cannot be a ''happy family'' even if not a ''traditionally shaped'' one. It requires very special people to make it work, but I've seen it happen and work well.

Buttonmoons

Me and the ex have split and have a 5 year old.

He stays over here at Xmas and for her birthday - I dont see anything odd about it, as we are very amicable, friends even and he loves her very much and I'm not going to deprive him of special moments.

We are going to his house for Xmas (though Im cooking lol) and to be honest, if he got a new GF and she was making a fuss about him spending Xmas with his daughter, I'd not be able to bite my tongue about it, and I'd expect him to do the same if I had a BF who was making aggro about it.

Kids come first. If they want their dad there with them - then you make other plans, it's just 2 days of the year, you have him the rest of the time!

FunnySaving

thewanted wrote: »

victory wrote: »

If he wasn't, I wouldn't be with him. The attention he gives his children is part of what makes him such a lovely man. My issue is that if we are to have a serious relationship and move in together, it's not going to be ideal if every New Year and Christmas day he spends with his ex wife. I can understand him wanting to have them on those days, it's the charade of being back as a family to do it, I'm not convinced that that is in the long term interest of children either, although I realise that everyone has a different way of approaching these things

It's probably not helping that you are seeing it as spending time with his ex wife rather than what it is - spending time with his children, to whom he made a commitment long before he was your boyfriend. You can't make him agree the same thing with his ex as you have agreed with yours just because it would be more practical, and if he, his ex and his kids are happy with the arrangement then I think you'll just have to get used to it. It's only one night a year after all.

thewanted_2

FunnySaving wrote: »

thewanted wrote: »

It's probably not helping that you are seeing it as spending time with his ex wife rather than what it is - spending time with his children, to whom he made a commitment long before he was your boyfriend. You can't make him agree the same thing with his ex as you have agreed with yours just because it would be more practical, and if he, his ex and his kids are happy with the arrangement then I think you'll just have to get used to it. It's only one night a year after all.

I think you are totally right, thanks for putting it so precise.

victory

FunnySaving wrote: »

thewanted wrote: »

It's probably not helping that you are seeing it as spending time with his ex wife rather than what it is - spending time with his children, to whom he made a commitment long before he was your boyfriend. You can't make him agree the same thing with his ex as you have agreed with yours just because it would be more practical, and if he, his ex and his kids are happy with the arrangement then I think you'll just have to get used to it. It's only one night a year after all.

That is true, it is one day a year ,the most important for kids andhe is not rushing round their for the ex he is doing it for his kids and they come first, he is making sure that they have happy memories of xmas days and NYE times so that when they grow up they can relate that to their children and smile that they had such a great day who cared enough to come and spend the day with them and make it all that more special:D

candygirl

I couldn't handle any partner of mine spending Xmas da,y and NYE with his ex:eek::eek:.The kids yep, but the ex no:D
A mate of mine lets her ex, who was a violent alchy, stay over on Xmas Eve and her Son (13) hates him staying:o
I don't think the facade of keeping up a happy family scenario is healthy for the kids in the long term, nor for the OP if she is going to have a successful relationship with him:D
Xmas is hard enough, even with people we want to be with:eek::eek: I can't imagine spending Xmas with any of my exes without murdering them:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

lostinrates

candygirl wrote: »

I don't think the facade of keeping up a happy family scenario is healthy for the kids in the long term, nor for the OP if she is going to have a successful relationship with him:D

Why does it have to be a facade? If they are amicable why not spend time together? A happy family can include new partners, new children, half and step siblings and step parents.

candygirl

lostinrates wrote: »

Why does it have to be a facade? If they are amicable why not spend time together? A happy family can include new partners, new children, half and step siblings and step parents.

If they were happy why are they separated?I just feel it's not fair on the new partner, and also a bit misleading for the kids.If they see their parents getting on ok they might find it hard to understand why they are no longer together;)
It's just my opinion, I realise there are no rights and wrongs, just know I personally couldn't cope with it:D

VfM4meplse

victory wrote: »

This is very striking, so you may have come across as blackmailing him, if you do not come with me and spend time with me on NYE I am going out to a party, trying to use power games?

This is neither blackmail or power games. The OP's b/f has made it clear what he would like to do, why should she not continue with her plans and include him if something changes? She cannot plan her life around the wants and needs of her b/f's family at this stage. Yes, children come first, but these are not the OP's children and it doesn't sound as if she is on the invite list anyway so what would be the point of hoping he'll be with her on NYE and then being disappointed? The OP doesn't need her b/f's permission to enjoy her life after all.

OP - If things don't change after a divorce, or there are no plans for a divorce then I don't think this is the man for you. What makes your relationship different to any others he has had?