christmas/new year when split with kids

SandC

I thought that it might be the NY arrangements that were bothering you, and I concur with Older on that one. However, it's a difficult one to get out of if your partner doesn't seem to think there's anything unusual in it. The only kids I know who are allowed to stay up for NY are the ones whose parents have the party at their house due to the babysitters issue! I would probe a bit further on this one if I were you.

I mean, I'm single and I hate new year's eve, partly due to the coupley slushy aspect of it all at midnight. I think it'd be even worse with an absent boyfriend and the pitying looks.

GobbledyGook

This Christmas will be quire similar in my house. My ex is meeting us at the carol concert on Christmas Eve and then is staying in the spare room so that he is here with the children on christmas morning. It's the first Christmas that our son will have any idea of what is going on (although still not a lot) and last Christmas was quite an unhappy one for many reasons. He'll then join us for Christmas dinner along with his brother. For us Christmas is primarily about the children and they love everyone being together.

He has stayed here a few times for the children's birthdays or when he has babysat. It's not confusing for the kids at all, in fact they enjoy making up the spare room for him in the same way they do when my cousin stays. They know it doesn't mean he's coming back to live with us.

I am having a Hogmanay party here with my cousin and her family coming to stay and friends coming round. I usually alternate with my cousin on this. It was traditional when my cousin and I were young for the children to stay up and be part of the celebration for as long as they could and that will be the same for my children. My ex is one of the invited guests.

He has a new girlfriend, but she is too new to have been introduced to the children yet. He's been quite clear to her that while our children are young this is the way he intends to spend Christmas Day with them and alternate Hogmanay's also. In time I can see her also being part of it (and any future partner I may one day have), but that will depend if she's happy to put up with that.

Our nearest neighbours are who we aspire to be like. Their Christmas Day includes A & B, the couple who live there and their 2 children. Plus A's ex husband, their 2 children and his new wife and child, B's ex wife and their daughter and various grandparents. They have the best interests of their assorted children at heart and have worked really hard to get to a point where they all enjoy Christmas together.

Buttonmoons

Is it not bothering you more OP that you will be child free and want to spend it with him and he wants to be with his children? If your children were with you on NYE would you be as bothered?

CH27

OP just how serious is your relationship?

sharrison778

I think the OP is getting a bit hard done by here.

But then maybe I'm just sympathetic.

My partner (living together) spent Christmas last year with his kids. I had no issue with it, we hadnt been together that long by that point. It did mean him travelling to another state, because thats where her fmaily are - but he saw the kids seperately and didnt attend her famiyl event.

This year she wants to do the same, only he's agreed to spend christmas day with me and my family. Some of you may judge him for chosing me over his kids - but the comment the OP made about the difficulty of building a new relationshp whilst maintaining old traditions really struck a chord with me.

Playing happily families on xmas isnt all its cracked up to be. My folks did it for years and I hated it.

But it also makes it hard for the new partner to find her role in their lives as well. It reinforces the idea to the kids that their family unit is still parmaount and the new partner is the outsider.

I'm not saying there are any easy answers, just trying to give the other perspective.

pinkclouds

sharrison778 wrote: »

I think the OP is getting a bit hard done by here.

But then maybe I'm just sympathetic.

My partner (living together) spent Christmas last year with his kids. I had no issue with it, we hadnt been together that long by that point. It did mean him travelling to another state, because thats where her fmaily are - but he saw the kids seperately and didnt attend her famiyl event.

This year she wants to do the same, only he's agreed to spend christmas day with me and my family. Some of you may judge him for chosing me over his kids - but the comment the OP made about the difficulty of building a new relationshp whilst maintaining old traditions really struck a chord with me.

Playing happily families on xmas isnt all its cracked up to be. My folks did it for years and I hated it.

But it also makes it hard for the new partner to find her role in their lives as well. It reinforces the idea to the kids that their family unit is still parmaount and the new partner is the outsider.

I'm not saying there are any easy answers, just trying to give the other perspective.

I see what you're saying but it would only ring true for me if the previous spouse/partner had come "first" - the new spouse/partner should now take the equivalent position in his affections and decisions. However, for me, my kids always come first - no one else comes before them. Not me and not my husband. If I ever divorced and re-married, the new husband would be on the equivalent pecking order - below my kids.

I know some people think that their spouse should be more "important" than their kids. I couldn't do that and neither could my husband.

I'm not phrasing this terribly well. It's... if, for example, I loathed my husband and one of my kids said "mom, I really want both of you to come to my school play so I can see you in the audience" then we would both jolly well turn up, not speak to each other and blithely wave to our child in the play.

My sister and I grew up knowing our parents would give us the clothes off their backs if we needed them and I want my kids to feel the same way. I wouldn't give way to their whims if they wanted to go to the sweet shop and their dad said "no, you need to go to the hairdressers instead". But I would attend any Christmas festivities with their dad, regardless of any hypothetical new spouses, if it was what they truly wanted and made them happy. When they are adults, I'll never get these childhood years back.

sharrison778

Buttonmoons wrote: »

Me and the ex have split and have a 5 year old.

He stays over here at Xmas and for her birthday - I dont see anything odd about it, as we are very amicable, friends even and he loves her very much and I'm not going to deprive him of special moments.

We are going to his house for Xmas (though Im cooking lol) and to be honest, if he got a new GF and she was making a fuss about him spending Xmas with his daughter, I'd not be able to bite my tongue about it, and I'd expect him to do the same if I had a BF who was making aggro about it.

Kids come first. If they want their dad there with them - then you make other plans, it's just 2 days of the year, you have him the rest of the time!

Actually its probably not just 2 days of the year. Its those 2 days of the year plus the kids birthdays and their Dads birthday and every school concert and soccer game etc etc. I know thats part of parenting, but just saying - children are time consuming!

brokenlily

I may well get shot down for saying this, but as someone who has been a partner of someone with a child, there is NO WAY I'd have been happy with spending Christmas alone while he trotted off to the ex's for 24 hours!

I'd have loved it if my ex partner's ex missus had been amicable enough for him to pick his kid up on Christmas day without a ruckus, going in and doing pleasantries, saying Merry Christmas or even having a coffee is fair enough but going for the whole day and staying over?

I take the point that some families can all get on - new partners and steps included, and if everyone's happy with that fine, but I think it's a bit weird to suddenly pretend to be a normal nuclear family for one day of the year, with the partners who are around every other day of the year totally out of the picture? It's weird! And I'm not sure that the kids wouldn't also find it weird.....my parents are divorced and both have had new partners, and I'd have found it odd, even when I was 10.

Also, if the OP and her BF are in a serious relationship, what would happen if they had children themselves? Surely BF wouldn't expect to go and spend Christmas in his ex wife's home then? That's why I agree with the posters who have said this must not become the status quo.

fluffnutter

peachyprice wrote: »

Different things work for different separated families, there isn't a wrong or right way, if the parents and children are happy, then unfortunately new partners IMO have to go along with it.

Personally I think it's fantastic when separated parents can be amicable or even friendly for the sake of their children. However, his ex shouldn't be his priority. His children should, of course, but he doesn't have to keep his ex happy.

I also think that new partners should be respected and their feelings taken into consideration. Else what's the point of having the relationship?

Johnny_Barnes10

My boy's 9 next week, and told me he doesn't want to see me Christmas. Gutted, but it's what he wants and be first one I'll not see him (don't drive so can't just pop up for a bit). But he's asked me to stay round his before his birthday so i'll be doing that then heading to ex no2 to stay so I can wake up Christmas day with her. If I was with someone they'd have to deal with this, as when kids are a certain age for special days it's up to them. Providing you're getting on with their Mum/Dad!