christmas/new year when split with kids

thewanted_2

I know everyone does things different, for example my ex and myself have an agreement where I have the kids for one of them and he has them for the other. Most of my friends seem to do it this way too.

However, my boyfriend is coming up to his second Christmas of not being with his wife ( he's separated rather than divorced). On Christmas day he will be having dinner with his kids and his wife. I spoke to him about New Year yesterday and he told me he hadn't discussed it with her yet but last year he went round for midnight as the kids like to stay up on the night. She also has a boyfriend.

I'm struggling a little as I find this a bit difficult with both of them in new relationships but also realising that the kids should come first. I can't see how new routines and relationships can be developed if the pattern of holidays is going to be that they still see each other as a family. However, from the start with my children I showed them that things had changed and that their Dad and I were now separated and things would be done differently.

I'm here to ask for advice not for people to judge whether I'm being selfish or not as I know that some of you will see it that way. Comments please

victory

I know of many couples that do sit there on xmas day for the sake of the kids with the ex because they so do not want to miss out on the opening of the presents, being with their kids, they just want to be there.

As for moving on and new traditions that depends on how old the kids are, it does not need to go on forever but when they are little they love their parents in the same place and the festive normality.

How old are the kids?

thewanted_2

victory wrote: »

I know of many couples that do sit there on xmas day for the sake of the kids with the ex because they so do not want to miss out on the opening of the presents, being with their kids, they just want to be there.

As for moving on and new traditions that depends on how old the kids are, it does not need to go on forever but when they are little they love their parents in the same place and the festive normality.

How old are the kids?

They are 7 and 10.

VfM4meplse

Hi OP,

thewanted wrote: »

I'm struggling a little as I find this a bit difficult with both of them in new relationships but also realising that the kids should come first. I can't see how new routines and relationships can be developed if the pattern of holidays is going to be that they still see each other as a family.

It looks like you are after changing his established patterns, but this isn't going to happen any time soon (before the divorce when custody rights will be legally settled).

You have answered your own question about NYE:

thewanted wrote: »

I spoke to him about New Year yesterday and he told me he hadn't discussed it with her yet but last year he went round for midnight as the kids like to stay up on the night.

He knows what he'd like to do, so make your plans w/o him rather than being his plan B. He would of course be welcome to join you if something changes.

You're not being selfish, but you do need to demonstrate that your plans do not revolve around his children. Once the relationship becomes more permanent, you can negotiate from a position of strength.

JMO of course!

thewanted_2

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Hi OP,
It looks like you are after changing his established patterns, but this isn't going to happen any time soon (before the divorce when custody rights will be legally settled).

Yes and no. So far they've only had one Christmas, what I'm after is ensuring it doesn't become an established pattern as it will be much more difficult to change then.

I think your other advice is good and I implied that I may be off to a party if that's what he's intending.

I have to admit I'm finding the whole thing difficult of dating someone with children and I know his other relationships have failed due to the amount of time he dedicate to them. I don't have an issue with the amount of time he spends with them I would rather it wasn't at the beck and call of when his wife wants him to have them. He never gets them for a whole weekend as she insists on them going to church on a Sunday. For example at the weekend, he had them for an overnight stay starting at 3pm but had to return them in the morning. Does this happen with others? My ex was very insistent that he had rights to see his kids for the whole weekend every other week, so I find this all a bit strange.

Confused rather than wanting to interfere - if that makes sense?

flutterby_lil

I don't know how they can pretend that things are all still rosy for christmas day and new years eve.

I personally wouldn't be happy either. Can you not suggest that one year they do it so he can have the kids on xmas eve til midday xmas day then the opposite the year after.

With my OH and his daughter we do every other weekend through the year - it is our weekend over xmas and we are taking his DD back on xmas eve - I would rather keep her until xmas day dinner but his ex's other daughter is going back then so we are doing the same.

peachyprice

thewanted wrote: »

Yes and no. So far they've only had one Christmas, what I'm after is ensuring it doesn't become an established pattern as it will be much more difficult to change then.

You haven't said, is it just you who is not happy with the arrangements, or is it your BF too?

It really isn't your place to ensure it doesn't become an established pattern though. The children obviously come first, but your BF shouldn't be trying to change arragements if he's happy with them and that work for them as a family because it doesn't suit you.

They are going to have a fair few Christmases yet where they are making the arrangements rather than the children deciding what they want to do.

As for weekends, is he happy to take them back for church, or would he rather take them himself and bring them back with him after?

Different things work for different separated families, there isn't a wrong or right way, if the parents and children are happy, then unfortunately new partners IMO have to go along with it.

victory

thewanted wrote: »

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I think your other advice is good and I implied that I may be off to a party if that's what he's intending.

I have to admit I'm finding the whole thing difficult of dating someone with children and I know his other relationships have failed due to the amount of time he dedicate to them.

This is very striking, so you may have come across as blackmailing him, if you do not come with me and spend time with me on NYE I am going out to a party, trying to use power games?

Parents come with kids, you knew that, they come first with the excitement of xmas day, opening the presents, seeing them mum and dad in the same place if possible, adding to the xmas day excitement, it is about the kids not you and as for 'dedicating time to them' please what would you expect?

They are his kids, his life, his pride and joy, he is being a caring, loving, giving, responsible dad and you complain?

Mupette

wow one thing that stood out in your post is how amicable your boyfirend and his ex are, why cant more parents be like that when they split.

So many take things to extreme when splitting up, poor kids always gets hurt, be proud that your man cares about his children :T

I get the sense that you are uneasy.. are you afraid he is going to sleep with his ex... she has a boyfriend, she has moved on and son has your man, he is with YOU.

Emmzi

Be happy the ex is not poking his eyes out with sticks. And if you struggle with his time with the kids, it is not the relationship for you.

thewanted_2

victory wrote: »

thewanted wrote: »

This is very striking, so you may have come across as blackmailing him, if you do not come with me and spend time with me on NYE I am going out to a party, trying to use power games?

Well that wasn't the intention, I know he wouldn't want me to be at home on my own on New Year so I told him that I thought there was a possibility of a party at a friend's house

Parents come with kids, you knew that, they come first with the excitement of xmas day, opening the presents, seeing them mum and dad in the same place if possible, adding to the xmas day excitement, it is about the kids not you and as for 'dedicating time to them' please what would you expect?
I think you might have taken what I said out of context here, from memory I stated that I don't have a problem with him dedicating time to them, but others have.

They are his kids, his life, his pride and joy, he is being a caring, loving, giving, responsible dad and you complain?

If he wasn't, I wouldn't be with him. The attention he gives his children is part of what makes him such a lovely man. My issue is that if we are to have a serious relationship and move in together, it's not going to be ideal if every New Year and Christmas day he spends with his ex wife. I can understand him wanting to have them on those days, it's the charade of being back as a family to do it, I'm not convinced that that is in the long term interest of children either, although I realise that everyone has a different way of approaching these things