Fearful of admitting sexuality

Gazing_On_Sunsets

Very similar position to my brother. We're from a traditional working class family. Solid northern parents, dad never shows feelings, works with his hands, all the usual stereotypes. During his teens my brother knew he was gay. Was paralysed with fear of telling him. Started to self harm.
I remember very clearly when we were getting in the car to go somewhere, and my dad saw all the marks on his arm. He wrenched us out and into the house, and my parents demanded to know what was going on.
My brother, tearfully, came out.
My dad was stunned. Enfolded him in a hug, said "you're still my son".
Now I'm not saying it was easy, but ultimately my parents were relieved that there was nothing wrong. As my brother was only 15 they did assume it was "just a phase" which my bro found very hurtful, and they struggled at some times. My mum said she was upset because she knew it'd make my bro's life more difficult in society. But in spite of the doubt and the confusion we remained a family unit, and still do.
My dad doesn't talk about sexuality or anything. I suppose he's not massively comfortably with it. But he's still dad.

Good luck.

jamespir

foxwales wrote: »

Uh.... I'm a gay too, or perhaps you missed that?

i didnt but still


i remeber when i came out to my parents i sat them down and said mum and dad you may not like this but i think ............ i want to support man utd :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:


my brothers gay (hes my twin suprising i know ) he was worried like but mum and dad were fine with it
strangely we all knew before he told us
grandpa took a little while to adjust but accepted it

Ames

I'm not sure I've got much to add. My parents were always borderline homophobic, but when my sister came out as bi they were fine. Dad's big worry was that it'd mean he'd never be a grandad. Ignoring that I could produce, that sister was still interested in men, that she's been adamant for her whole life that she doesn't want kids, and the fact that he doesn't want either of us to have sex ever. No, it was sister being bi that would be the problem there .... lol.

I was really upset that she'd felt the need to get drunk to be able to tell me, I always thought I'd been more approachable than that. And that she should have known I'd be fine with it.

Maybe if you think about what issues they might have with it (like the grandchild thing) and have answers ready it might help you come out to your parents?

Mallotum_X

Stiubhart wrote: »

I think that is actually my fault and foxwales was quoting and/or paraphrasing my original post. Without diverting off at a tangent too much, do gays get offended when 'their kind' say these words? Akin to a black person calling another a n***er? I'm genuinely interested? I don't find them offensive, well unless someone called me a mincer as I really don't!

Context is more important than the word.

I regualrly call myself a !!!!!! with gay and straight freinds, and they will use it back. We need a few easy to use words rather than "homosexual", thats a bit boring and tends to be used by people trying to be PC and not offend. If a friend needs to use a gay word Id far rather they use something like !!!!!!.

Context is everything - depending on the situation I will call other gay friends mincers, old queen, fairy or even a fag. These terms have pretty much been taken back by the gay community.

However if some random stranger shouted "oi !!!!!!.... etc" then yes that would probably been seen as hurtful.

The actual words are far less important than the way words are used.

Lets say a mugger holds a knife to you and says "Ok mate give us yer money", the word Mate isnt seen as a friendly name is it.

Too many people worry about the exact use of a word, rather than the context, then get all worried about being PC. The very act of trying to be PC is far more offensive or irratating than the occasional use of the word !!!!!! or whatever in a friendly setting.

halight

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I think you are (a) jumping the gun: you only re-connected with your boyfriend a few weeks ago and it's very early days and (b) putting you and your parents through an unnecessary ordeal.

I advocate the low-key, one-step-at-a-time approach with the aim of allowing your family to not only accept your sexuality but also to be at ease with your boyfriend and your relationship.

You could deliver the package all in one fell swoop. 'Mum, I'm a gay man. Oh and by the way, I am in a serious relationship with someone and I want you to meet him and love him too', or you can take it in baby steps.

In ye olden tymes (1970s/early 80s when I was a sweet maid a-courting) gay men just used to introduce boyfriends to their parents as their 'friend'. There was no big deal. Long-term boyfriends became like second sons and part of the family. Others were never seen or heard of again after a few weeks/months.

I think you could try something similar. Introduce your boyfriend to them, not as the love of life, but as a really good friend. Let them get to know him and like him for himself. Let them see your happiness and how well you fit together. If you do the gradual build-up approach, when they are already at ease with the boyfriend, then you might find that you don't have to go through a dramatic and shocking (for them) coming-out.

Good luck to you.

This is what my brother did. Which i think is very good advice.

I do have a couple of friends that just did the big comming out speach. It worked out well for them. The ones mom did not have a clue but his dad did. In fact some months before he came out his dad and i had a long chat about it as we both had an idea that he was Gay. He came out when he was 14. He is 21 now.

Another mate has never known his dad but come out to his mom when he was 18. She said that she had already worked that one out a few years before. Like another poster said, she then felt gulity that her son had to go though the whole build up of telling her. She wished that she had brourt it up before.

A girl we know came out to her mom and dad and all was fine. But her grand pearnts dont know about it. They think the girl she lives with is just a flat mate. The grand parnts have a son who is infact Gay. But he has never came out about it. Its not talked about within the family. The bloke who he has lived with for the last 20 years is a house mate, But they love this bloke jsut like another son. He will pop rounf there house and do odd jobs for them pick up shopping and alsorts.

Its worked out well for my friends they are living the life that they wont they are all loved and are haveing a great time living normal lifes with people they love and who love them.

But it dose not always work out like this. I have been told some very bad storys:mad:

Oh and tell your bro that Gay clubs are great pleaces! and he sould go to one with you. He will have the time of his life! Its not just Gay people who go there, he might also find the love of his life in one! A friend of mine did

I wish you the very best in what ever you decide to do.:beer:

Stiubhart

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to post. I sincerely didn't start a post here to cause offence or hurt anyone but can see how my opinions could be misconstrued as precisely that and for that I apologise. My belief is that everyone should be free to live how they choose as long as it doesn't harm anyone but I find it very difficult to understand the 'stereotypical gay'. Their actions and attributes are something I find very foreign. I'm aware I could therefore be accused of contradicting myself but I would never disenfranchise or participate/exacerbate discrimination either individually or as a group. I use these words which I use with my gay pals (some of who are camp as Christmas and I love them but could never be in love with them IYSWIM) and may have forgotten that not everyone will like or endorse their use. Indeed, it is rather ironic (I think) that I am a nurse :rotfl:. Of course male nurses are not all gay but it is a profession which has a large proportion of gay males and a stereotypical 'gay profession'.

VfM4meplse - thanks for your opinion. My post was rather long, rambling in parts and certainly not concise but was written as a sort of thoughts as they came out. You better read no further as succint is out the window...

January20 - is that your birthday? I'm a Capricorn too Anyway. I agree I think a substantial part of my problem comes from my brother's reaction and stance. He and I were/are very close and I felt I could tell him I was gay with no problem. This was his initial reaction and may have changed but he refuses to talk about my sexuality (elephant in the room?). I think he was genuinely shocked as I displayed no outward signs of being gay at home (fear). If this was his reaction as someone I am close to and confided my biggest secret what about the rest of my family who I am less close too? We are not a cuddly, talk about your feelings sort of family. I wouldn't say my parents are particularly old-fashioned although I can see how they act narrow minded at times. "Jessie", "pansy", "queerhawk" to name but a few in their description of gays whether in real life or on the telly for instance. Thanks for your support and valuable opinions.

jackieblack - I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation but that's hard to comprehend because in that scenario I would not be gay therefore I wouldn't be me IYSWIM. I would have beliefs, opinions and maybe prejudices that are totally different? No? I understand what you are saying but my friend's friend's parents (and some one here too) didn't. Thanks for your wishes...you got a spare room? :rotfl:

RedBern Thanks for that personal insight in to the acceptance issue. Food for thought.

TimBear - yup, I thought my best pal would be fine with it but he was the worst and refused to speak to me or even acknowledge me in passing (we live in the same estate).

elvis86 - I don't believe that camp men are inferior in any way but I can see how my post portrays that. I regret that that made you think twice about posting. As I said above, I have camp gay friends who I love dearly. I even have been accused of being camp on occasion (I acted 'myself' when with my friends which is why they were aware of my homosexuality). I am very comfortable in their behaviour (they would be very different people if they weren't) but don't find them attractive nor could go out with them. Thanks for your honest opinion and certainly made me think about my prejudices.

My partner has only a single bed in his wee student room...can be a bit difficult to 'manoeuvre' so doubt he could accommodate me on even a temporary basis. Oh no, I don't need an excuse but mother is a prying soul and master questioner! She would do well as a prosecutor in the High Court! "Where were you last night?", "Who were you with?". Even known to open my mail on occasion. Super masculine? :rotfl: Hardly but my very first purchase with my own money was Kylie's 'I should be so lucky' on tape The signs were there even back then!! Glad you and your partner have a good relationship with your parents. Does the same apply to his? Thanks so much! Good to get an opinion from someone 'been there, done that' so to speak.

fawd1 - it took me about 15 years to come to terms with it! I would hope that it wouldn't take them that long!

Carer - you sound like a wonderful set of parents! I hope my mum and dad are like you! However, as I said in my OP, I am a long-time lurker and seem drawn to this forum and dysfunctional and sometimes unloving families seem to be more common than even I thought!

elvis86 - this is my fear as my brother was genuinely shocked. I played hockey and occasional football. Love tinkering with my car etc. Would rather drink cider at a gig than go to a Kylie or Steps concert! I think this is because I modify my behaviour to suit my situation...like a phone voice :rotfl:

Barcode - thanks, I have been looking into the options but are very limited. Even saw a run-down unfurnished studio flat outside the city centre for £300 pcm. With bills on top etc could be very difficult. House sharing is not for me unless desperate. I do shift work and need my beauty sleep! I am quite a private person too (I wonder why!) But I will keep an eye out on Gumtree etc just incase there's anything suitable.

Kay Peel - aye we only met up a few weeks ago but have you ever had that feeling of you know it's meant to be? We were together about a year when I had the flat and kept seeing each other for about 6 months doing the sneaky! But I do see your point though and will take that into consideration! Gradual build up might be the way to go! Thanks for your post.

catkins Thanks for sharing your experiences your friend had. I know that is a real risk and would be struggling with trying to find somewhere permanent with little notice - my brother or a friend could put me up for a short while.

Jojo the Tightfisted Bro was 19 when I told him. I honestlly thought he would be fine with it all which he was in the most part but a very major part of it he clearly wasn't. My pal wasn't accepting when I thought he would. I am obviously not a very good judge of character which is making me even more fearful. I think I would rather speak to my mum and dad at same time as although dad is almost horizontal I'd rather have it from the horses mouth so I knew where I stood. Dad will likely go along with whatever she says for a quiet life...but then again he is quite good at getting mum to see the other side of things once the shouting stops! He is in fourth year of university and has two to go.

Mallotum X What a great post. Is it really necessary that I sit them down and come out? Should I just go with the flow and whatever happens happen? Just telling her I'm 25 and can do whatever I like and keep her nose out (and off my mail too!). I think I am quite relaxed about being gay when outwith parents. I have a good circle of friens from all different backgrounds.

Gazing on Sunsets - thanks for making me cry! Very few people can do that! What a horrific time for your brother. How is he now? I dont think my dad has cuddled me for about 20 years but never say never!

jamespir I know a family where they have two sons (not twins) and they are both gay.

halight I haven't even thought about the wider family as I can see them not being as accepting of gays! I'm personally not a fan of 'gay clubs'. I understand that it allows gays to be comfortable in an environment which won't judge or worse. It allows like minded people to meet up and have a good time. But why should I not go out into mainstream clubs dancing with my fella and kissing him on the dancefloor. We don't have straight clubs or Asian clubs so why should we be different? My wee bro has the love of his life (and a baby too)...it's actually sickening how in love they are :rotfl:


Not very concise, I know, but hopefully give some answers and also allow some more questions to keep the advice coming. I am taking everything in and sometimes it is good to get the advice of total strangers, from those who have been there before and those who have experienced the other side.

Cheers, Stiùbhart

make_me_wise

Stiubhart wrote: »

So any advice? Should I grow a pair and tell the family and reap the consequences re: throwing out? Is a relationship worth losing your family over? Should I move out to a flat share and then tell ma and da putting family at risk and debt free date back substantially? Back to sneaking about until we can move in together?

You are an adult. Your sexuality is your business. Family and friends worth keeping should love and accept you for who you are regardless of your life choices.

People become part of your past because they are not worthy of being in your future. Dont lose someone who makes you happy over worrying about peoples approval and being in debt for longer than originally planned.

Lotus-eater

I agree with some of the other posters, I would tell the one you think would be the easiest one to approach first, like over coffee and see how they react. Then you can tell the other.
Don't rush in and tell about the big love of your life, if they ask, say that there is someone, but it's not serious.

I'm not gay, but I remember asking my Dad once that if I was, what would he think, he said he would disown me, it shocked me that he could think like that. Twenty years later I asked him why he had said it and he quite forcefully denied saying anything of the sort....
People can change.

I think you have got to sort yourself out and living under this cloud isn't helping at all. Get it straight, at least you then know where you are.

cavework

OP ... You have one life. live that life with the person you choose to love.
Forget gender , ignore preconceived, predujuiced ideas born sadly by ignorance , just sit back when you are elderly and say 'I have no regrets' with the partner of your choice.
xxxx

jjblondie

I remember telling my dad I was bi when I was about 14 by asking if he could drive me to a girl I liked's house because we were in a relationship. He asked me if I was sure, then suggested I didn't tell my mother. I haven't and luckily she has never needed to know. My aunt (mother's sister) was disowned for a good few years after she came out and her girlfriend (only referred to as friend) wasn't allowed in the house for years. Luckily they are now reconciled.

I really hope your coming out goes well, OP, however you choose to do so. I suppose that however you do it, broadly speaking your parents are going to either be accepting or not so.