Fearful of admitting sexuality

ali-t

OP, I am sure your parents already have their suspicions. Who you choose to have sex with shouldn't define who you are as a person (unless of course you are having sex with animals or children :eek:). If you are causing no harm to others where is the problem but in your situation, it appears the only person currently being harmed is yourself as you are not being true to yourself.

elvis86

January20 wrote: »

This discussion you have just started, high-jacking the thread because you are offended, do you think it's really helpful to the OP? Is this really the time and the place? If you are so bothered, why don't you start a discussion in DT and allow people here to concentrate on the one important thing of this thread: the OP needs help - badly, not the PC police!

I actually think that it is very relevant to the OP's position. It's not nice for anyone (let alone a gay man) to perpetuate that if a gay man is camp he is somehow inferior/less worthy than a more masculine guy.

But more specifically to the OP; I'm a gay man with experience of being in the OP's situation, the fact that I might be less masculine than he is comfortable with, has no bearing on this and I might still have experience that he could benefit from. But the language he has used/the tone in which he has used it (ie "thank GOD I'm not camp, that would be so awful" etc) could well alienate me and put me off offering advice. Of course, he might think my advice is a load of tosh in the end anyway, but this could also be true in the real world with regards the OP alientaing people who may help him or just add something to his life.

Who's to say that in the future a camp guy might end up being the best friend the OP ever had? There might be a guy he knows/is about to meet who would be a great mate to him and would help him immensely with what he's going through, it would be a great shame if the OP dismissed him because of the way he talks/walks.

Stiubhart wrote: »

I think that is actually my fault and foxwales was quoting and/or paraphrasing my original post. Without diverting off at a tangent too much, do gays get offended when 'their kind' say these words? Akin to a black person calling another a n***er? I'm genuinely interested? I don't find them offensive, well unless someone called me a mincer as I really don't!

I don't think it's particularly the words, as gay people are quite good at "reclaiming" them. It was more the insinuation that some gay men are "better" or more worthy than others, purely based on how their walk or speak.

I just think it's very unhealthy and unneccesary for a gay man to marginalise other gay men like that. Fair enough if camp guys aren't your type and you don't want to sleep with them, but it doesn't make them any less worthy as people, or indeed, friends. And incidentally, it was largely flamboyant gay men and drag queens who led the protests that got everyone else their rights to be in gay relationships without fear of prosecution. So you've them to thank for at least not having that to worry about.;)

Regarding your situation, I appreciate that you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. As others have said, your brother's declaration that he will never accept your partners is unfortunate but really, who the hell is he to decide that anyway?;)

If you are gay then it's not going to change. You'll be gay for the rest of your life, so I would urge you not to put off telling your parents. That said, in your current situation you may decide that you want to wait a while, until a time when you in a better position to move out and stand on your own two feet, in case they do react badly and you can no longer live at home.

If the guy you are seeing is at University and living in halls, presumably at least you have the option of staying at his place? The sneaking around may be difficult, but you're a grown man and aren't accountable to your brother or your parents. You don't need an excuse to leave the house.

I'm not going to tell you that your parents will be okay about it. I don't know them, and some people's parents never accept it. Having said that, we are lucky to live in an increasingly tolerant society, and most people's parents do accept it nowadays.

It may take a while, and try not to take an unfavourable initial reaction to heart, it may be a shock for them (especially if you're the super masculine guy you claim to be and there were no clues in the form of Steps albums and Kylie posters whilst growing up..:D).

My own father reacted dissapointedly, saying that he couldn't speak to me for a while (and my parents had suspected and spoken about the fact that I might be gay prior to me telling them, so it wasn't a complete surprise!).

But 8 years later, he and my partner get on better than my dad and I do (they have more in common!), and we'll be there for Christmas and welcomed just as much as my sister and her boyfriend (it didn't take 8 years for him to accept it, btw!).

I sincerely hope that you have as good an experience as I have.:)

fawd1

Just to give me own tuppence worth. I wouldn't have a problem with it if my boys turned out to be gay. I think we live in a different world now and although there may be some people that have issues with it the vast majority don't. I would also imagine your parents have an inkling, as every man I've ever met that hasn't yet come out thinks that no one else knows but whenever they've finally announced it, everyone just told them "Well we already knew, we just weren't sure if you were comfortable us mentioning it"

Anyway, I would say tell them, but also give them some time to get used to the idea. Remember it took you time to get used to it yourself and parents have a funny way of projecting all sorts of hopes and dreams on their children that have no relation to who their kids actually are. They may well grieve for a bit, because they will feel like they've lost the idea of the son they had, but I'm sure they'll come round. Good luck, and stay strong. It's better to live your life honestly, then try to be someone your not to please your parents.

Reggie_Rebel

As a parent you love your children unconditionally, there may be times when that love is tested to limits that you would prefer not to go to but in the end the love conquers everything.

Tell your parents, their reaction may surprise you, they probably already suspect.

As for your friends, they have accepted you as the person you are, if they now see you as a different person then perhaps they are not worthy of having your friendship.

onlyroz

You shouldn't have to lie about what you are, and so I think you should tell your parents. You might not get immediate acceptance and understanding but hopefully, with some time to think, they will remember that you are still their son and that they love you.

I have a friend whose son is gay, and her biggest worry was that he would be lonely. She is now delighted that he is settled in a loving relationship. Her husband is less understanding, and I think there have been some difficulties, but you can't expect universal approval.

claire16c

fawd1 wrote: »

Just to give me own tuppence worth. I wouldn't have a problem with it if my boys turned out to be gay. I think we live in a different world now and although there may be some people that have issues with it the vast majority don't. I would also imagine your parents have an inkling, as every man I've ever met that hasn't yet come out thinks that no one else knows but whenever they've finally announced it, everyone just told them "Well we already knew, we just weren't sure if you were comfortable us mentioning it"

I agree. Ive got a couple of gay friends, and I think their parents knew they were gay before they did!

Carer

My son came out 2 years ago at the age of 14.
However, we had known he was gay since he was a toddler. We had always laughed about having "one of each" - a boy, a girl and "another" - never in his hearing ofc.
When he plucked up the courage to tell us, he was completely shocked that we already knew - and I felt awful that he'd gone through the turmoil of worrying about our reaction for 2 years or so before plucking up the courage to "come out".
It has never been an issue with us, we're actually looking forward to meeting the "other half" when he gets a serious one.

I think, OP, that your mother may well already know - I find it incredible that you could bring up a child and just not know there was something different, especially if you have other children.

elvis86

Whilst I appreciate and approve of the spirit of these "they probably already know" comments, I would stress that this is absolutely not always the case. The OP shouldn't be surprised if his parents had no idea whatsover.

Yes, many gay men may have liked more "feminine" toys when they were little, or may have been sensitive little boys. Lots may have loved to sing and dance or may have just been born outrageously camp!:D

But many gay men will have been rough and tumble boys, loved football and generally been one of the lads. And incidentally, playing with dolls and learning every Steps routine going doesn't necessarily mean that a little boy will grow up gay.;)

Barcode

1. Move out if possible: house-share, uni halls, whatever, just get away.

2. Other's issues with your sexuality are precisely that - their issues, and you are not obliged to alter your life to accommodate them. And yes, this also applies to family. Your brother should get a grip. His approval, or lack thereof, is simply irrelevant. Now, I realise it doesn't feel that way, but I really think things can be this simple.

3. I'm gay. Moved out when I was 15. Some family members don't approve, but I owe none of them anything (long, tedious story, but they deserve nothing and should consider themselves fortunate that some of my siblings even bother to speak to them). In your case, it seems very different. All you can do is continue to behave as normal, and show that it hasn't altered your relationship in any significant way.

Kay_Peel

I think you are (a) jumping the gun: you only re-connected with your boyfriend a few weeks ago and it's very early days and (b) putting you and your parents through an unnecessary ordeal.

I advocate the low-key, one-step-at-a-time approach with the aim of allowing your family to not only accept your sexuality but also to be at ease with your boyfriend and your relationship.

You could deliver the package all in one fell swoop. 'Mum, I'm a gay man. Oh and by the way, I am in a serious relationship with someone and I want you to meet him and love him too', or you can take it in baby steps.

In ye olden tymes (1970s/early 80s when I was a sweet maid a-courting) gay men just used to introduce boyfriends to their parents as their 'friend'. There was no big deal. Long-term boyfriends became like second sons and part of the family. Others were never seen or heard of again after a few weeks/months.

I think you could try something similar. Introduce your boyfriend to them, not as the love of life, but as a really good friend. Let them get to know him and like him for himself. Let them see your happiness and how well you fit together. If you do the gradual build-up approach, when they are already at ease with the boyfriend, then you might find that you don't have to go through a dramatic and shocking (for them) coming-out.

Good luck to you.