Fearful of admitting sexuality

Stiubhart

make me wise I'm slowly beginning to realise that I have to accept what will happen. If they can't accept me for who I am, then why should I let them be part of life? However, that is a very hard concept for me and although we are not the closest, it would upset me that I didn't have a mum and dad. I spoke to him briefly earlier as he is studying hard and were chatting and he said he would support me in whatever choice I made...now I have to decide what I want to do.

Lotus-eater People can and do change but with the rejection I have experienced in my past around my sexuality has made me have the dilemma I am in now!

cavework Thanks for your post and advice. I don't think I have any regrets...well except maybe chinning my brother but then I did kick seven colours of !!!! out of him when we were younger! Maybe that's why I am so close to him now?!

jjblondie Did you dad give a reason as to why you shouldn't tell your mum? Have you had a girlfriend over? Did mum say anything? So was it because your mum was biased that your dad said don't tell her? Or was that your grandparents? I fear you may be right, it will be black or white with no grey areas. Unless my brothers opinion is a hint to theirs?

jamespir

Stiubhart wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to post. I sincerely didn't start a post here to cause offence or hurt anyone but can see how my opinions could be misconstrued as precisely that and for that I apologise. My belief is that everyone should be free to live how they choose as long as it doesn't harm anyone but I find it very difficult to understand the 'stereotypical gay'. Their actions and attributes are something I find very foreign. I'm aware I could therefore be accused of contradicting myself but I would never disenfranchise or participate/exacerbate discrimination either individually or as a group. I use these words which I use with my gay pals (some of who are camp as Christmas and I love them but could never be in love with them IYSWIM) and may have forgotten that not everyone will like or endorse their use. Indeed, it is rather ironic (I think) that I am a nurse :rotfl:. Of course male nurses are not all gay but it is a profession which has a large proportion of gay males and a stereotypical 'gay profession'.

VfM4meplse - thanks for your opinion. My post was rather long, rambling in parts and certainly not concise but was written as a sort of thoughts as they came out. You better read no further as succint is out the window...

January20 - is that your birthday? I'm a Capricorn too Anyway. I agree I think a substantial part of my problem comes from my brother's reaction and stance. He and I were/are very close and I felt I could tell him I was gay with no problem. This was his initial reaction and may have changed but he refuses to talk about my sexuality (elephant in the room?). I think he was genuinely shocked as I displayed no outward signs of being gay at home (fear). If this was his reaction as someone I am close to and confided my biggest secret what about the rest of my family who I am less close too? We are not a cuddly, talk about your feelings sort of family. I wouldn't say my parents are particularly old-fashioned although I can see how they act narrow minded at times. "Jessie", "pansy", "queerhawk" to name but a few in their description of gays whether in real life or on the telly for instance. Thanks for your support and valuable opinions.

jackieblack - I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation but that's hard to comprehend because in that scenario I would not be gay therefore I wouldn't be me IYSWIM. I would have beliefs, opinions and maybe prejudices that are totally different? No? I understand what you are saying but my friend's friend's parents (and some one here too) didn't. Thanks for your wishes...you got a spare room? :rotfl:

RedBern Thanks for that personal insight in to the acceptance issue. Food for thought.

TimBear - yup, I thought my best pal would be fine with it but he was the worst and refused to speak to me or even acknowledge me in passing (we live in the same estate).

elvis86 - I don't believe that camp men are inferior in any way but I can see how my post portrays that. I regret that that made you think twice about posting. As I said above, I have camp gay friends who I love dearly. I even have been accused of being camp on occasion (I acted 'myself' when with my friends which is why they were aware of my homosexuality). I am very comfortable in their behaviour (they would be very different people if they weren't) but don't find them attractive nor could go out with them. Thanks for your honest opinion and certainly made me think about my prejudices.

My partner has only a single bed in his wee student room...can be a bit difficult to 'manoeuvre' so doubt he could accommodate me on even a temporary basis. Oh no, I don't need an excuse but mother is a prying soul and master questioner! She would do well as a prosecutor in the High Court! "Where were you last night?", "Who were you with?". Even known to open my mail on occasion. Super masculine? :rotfl: Hardly but my very first purchase with my own money was Kylie's 'I should be so lucky' on tape The signs were there even back then!! Glad you and your partner have a good relationship with your parents. Does the same apply to his? Thanks so much! Good to get an opinion from someone 'been there, done that' so to speak.

fawd1 - it took me about 15 years to come to terms with it! I would hope that it wouldn't take them that long!

Carer - you sound like a wonderful set of parents! I hope my mum and dad are like you! However, as I said in my OP, I am a long-time lurker and seem drawn to this forum and dysfunctional and sometimes unloving families seem to be more common than even I thought!

elvis86 - this is my fear as my brother was genuinely shocked. I played hockey and occasional football. Love tinkering with my car etc. Would rather drink cider at a gig than go to a Kylie or Steps concert! I think this is because I modify my behaviour to suit my situation...like a phone voice :rotfl:

Barcode - thanks, I have been looking into the options but are very limited. Even saw a run-down unfurnished studio flat outside the city centre for £300 pcm. With bills on top etc could be very difficult. House sharing is not for me unless desperate. I do shift work and need my beauty sleep! I am quite a private person too (I wonder why!) But I will keep an eye out on Gumtree etc just incase there's anything suitable.

Kay Peel - aye we only met up a few weeks ago but have you ever had that feeling of you know it's meant to be? We were together about a year when I had the flat and kept seeing each other for about 6 months doing the sneaky! But I do see your point though and will take that into consideration! Gradual build up might be the way to go! Thanks for your post.

catkins Thanks for sharing your experiences your friend had. I know that is a real risk and would be struggling with trying to find somewhere permanent with little notice - my brother or a friend could put me up for a short while.

Jojo the Tightfisted Bro was 19 when I told him. I honestlly thought he would be fine with it all which he was in the most part but a very major part of it he clearly wasn't. My pal wasn't accepting when I thought he would. I am obviously not a very good judge of character which is making me even more fearful. I think I would rather speak to my mum and dad at same time as although dad is almost horizontal I'd rather have it from the horses mouth so I knew where I stood. Dad will likely go along with whatever she says for a quiet life...but then again he is quite good at getting mum to see the other side of things once the shouting stops! He is in fourth year of university and has two to go.

Mallotum X What a great post. Is it really necessary that I sit them down and come out? Should I just go with the flow and whatever happens happen? Just telling her I'm 25 and can do whatever I like and keep her nose out (and off my mail too!). I think I am quite relaxed about being gay when outwith parents. I have a good circle of friens from all different backgrounds.

Gazing on Sunsets - thanks for making me cry! Very few people can do that! What a horrific time for your brother. How is he now? I dont think my dad has cuddled me for about 20 years but never say never!

jamespir I know a family where they have two sons (not twins) and they are both gay.

halight I haven't even thought about the wider family as I can see them not being as accepting of gays! I'm personally not a fan of 'gay clubs'. I understand that it allows gays to be comfortable in an environment which won't judge or worse. It allows like minded people to meet up and have a good time. But why should I not go out into mainstream clubs dancing with my fella and kissing him on the dancefloor. We don't have straight clubs or Asian clubs so why should we be different? My wee bro has the love of his life (and a baby too)...it's actually sickening how in love they are :rotfl:


Not very concise, I know, but hopefully give some answers and also allow some more questions to keep the advice coming. I am taking everything in and sometimes it is good to get the advice of total strangers, from those who have been there before and those who have experienced the other side.

Cheers, Stiùbhart

im not gay though

Stiubhart

jamespir wrote: »

im not gay though

Oh, I need to stop skim reading! :facepalm:

Sorry jamespir!

RedBern

jamespir wrote: »

i remeber when i came out to my parents i sat them down and said mum and dad you may not like this but i think ............ i want to support man utd :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:


my brothers gay (hes my twin suprising i know ) he was worried like but mum and dad were fine with
strangely we all knew before he told us
grandpa took a little while to adjust but accepted it

jamespir wrote: »

i m not gay though

bit confusing here..

Ames

I had to read it twice, he was coming out as a Man U fan, not as gay.

Stiubhart

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was confused!

Stiubhart

Going out with one of my best mates tonight. She is the most level-headed straight talker I know. I'm going to discuss the things raised here and seek her advice (again!) on my way forward. Thanks for reading my ramblings and for all the support, advice and cyber slaps given so far.

Stiùbhart x

jamespir

RedBern wrote: »

bit confusing here..

it was a joke pal im not gay

elvis86

Stiubhart wrote: »

elvis86 - I don't believe that camp men are inferior in any way but I can see how my post portrays that. I regret that that made you think twice about posting. As I said above, I have camp gay friends who I love dearly. I even have been accused of being camp on occasion (I acted 'myself' when with my friends which is why they were aware of my homosexuality). I am very comfortable in their behaviour (they would be very different people if they weren't) but don't find them attractive nor could go out with them. Thanks for your honest opinion and certainly made me think about my prejudices.

My partner has only a single bed in his wee student room...can be a bit difficult to 'manoeuvre' so doubt he could accommodate me on even a temporary basis. Oh no, I don't need an excuse but mother is a prying soul and master questioner! She would do well as a prosecutor in the High Court! "Where were you last night?", "Who were you with?". Even known to open my mail on occasion. Super masculine? :rotfl: Hardly but my very first purchase with my own money was Kylie's 'I should be so lucky' on tape The signs were there even back then!! Glad you and your partner have a good relationship with your parents. Does the same apply to his? Thanks so much! Good to get an opinion from someone 'been there, done that' so to speak.

elvis86 - this is my fear as my brother was genuinely shocked. I played hockey and occasional football. Love tinkering with my car etc. Would rather drink cider at a gig than go to a Kylie or Steps concert! I think this is because I modify my behaviour to suit my situation...like a phone voice :rotfl:

Can I just say first how lovely and well-mannered I think you are to have replied to everyone personally.:)

Also, I think your subsequent posts have shown that you're nothing like the impression that some of the language you used early on in the post may have given people (ie you seem like a lovely guy, rather than the kind of arrogant smallminded "blokey gay" who looks down his nose at camper guys and scoffs at the idea of gay Pride etc), so I hope I have made you maybe think about that a bit as it would be a shame if you were to alienate anyone unintentionally.

Funny you should ask about my OH's parents, we just got home after having dinner with his mum and a couple of her friends who are down here for a Christmas shopping weekend. We get on brilliantly and both she and his dad are completely accepting of our relationship. If anything I think they secretly prefer me to OH's brother's wife!:D

I know that they struggled with my OH coming out at first though, especially his dad. And they're both raving lefties, so you see it can be a struggle for anyone!

If you don't mind me asking, whereabouts in the country are you? I only ask because if you're not near a large city and have only sampled a local gay venue, I can maybe understand your lack of interest. But in bigger cities there's way more variation and bars that cater for varying tastes rather than the one-size-fits-all approach that you get in more provincial gay bars. You don't have to participate in the gay scene of course, but it is a sure fire way to meet people who will understand your situation etc.:)

Stiubhart

My pal has actually dragged me to gay bar in Glasgow. Im having a good time enjoying myself drinking and having a wee boogie. We are having a good ol' conflab and thank god for predictive text otherwise this might have ended up as a scrambled mess!!! Will update when more sober! Elvis86 I don't take compliments very well but thanks. I think I am a nice guy and would never intentionally upset anyone. I've sent you a PM.