Fearful of admitting sexuality

Cat501

Sounds like you and this man could be very happy together, and life is too short not to take your chance while you can. IF your parents react badly, you will cope, you will find a way. Living a lie isn't living at all.

Your post made me so sad:( My daughter lost her wonderful girlfriend very suddenly this year. She was just 18. The only consolation is that they had some blissful months together, and we were lucky enough to have her as part of our family for that time.

Wishing you luck and all the happiness in the world:)

RAS

Hi

Over the years I have often challenged men who made remarks about queers and poofs; the louder the noise the more likely they will then confirm that they love men IME. It is often partly self protection and partly a way of provoking a response so they know what sort of company they are keeping.

Stu - blokes have friends, so it is worth talking to your love and suggesting visits home as a mate. As Kay suggests that make it easier for them to accept that you love this man. If the relationship blossoms or fails the love in your life has a human face instead of beig some sort of bogeyman.

I do however feel very strongly that it is not your parents', brother's or friends' right to accept or fail to accept your choice of partner. I am cack-handed; once upon a time that would have put me a risk of burning and even recently people have tried to change us with ill-effect. I do not choose this difference, it is. You are you.

I also recognise that among my gay friends, some have had to deal with the adverse reactions from family, particularly those whose parents held strong religious views. On the other hand a relative is finding out that actually no-one is bothered after omitting to mention the fact for over 20 years.

You need plan B. You might also want to gently try dad out for responses? Maybe use the Corrie storyline as a prompt?

gazebo

a lot of things posted here say what I was going to so rather than repeat the same thing, here is a link to something that may be of some help

http://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/advice/coming-out.htm

catkins

OP, I don't really have any proper advice for you but I did want to say that despite lots of people on here telling your that your parents will accept it as parents love you unconditionally, unfortunately that is not true.

One of my friends was thrown out of his parents house when he told them he was gay and 6 years later they have not spoken since even though he has tried to get in touch. Likewise I know someone who got pregnant at 15 and she too was thrown out and has no contact with her parents.

How do your parents react when there are gay characters on tv or any articles in newspapers etc? My parents, even though they are in the 80's are very broadminded and have no problem with gays but my husbands' parents are totally different and even start ranting and raving if someone like Will Young comes on tv!! They won't even watch programmes if someone in them is gay - used to be big Coronation Street fans but stopped watching once a gay character came into it.

Whatever you decide I wish you lots of luck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

There are two things here.

One is you debating whether to speak to your parents as compared to a young bloke, who has grown up (in the loosest sense of the words, obviously :cool:) with the usual gay/queer/fairy/!!!!!! stuff most of us are familiar with from the playground. There's a good chance that he gets off on the idea of two girls, however, which is something that always baffled me, how someone can be homophobic but buy magazines and watch films of gay women, but anyway, back to the point.

Young men are often very aggressively hostile to anyone different. I expect it's partly the playground indoctrination, partly because they aren't quite certain of themselves yet and see difference as a threat.


If you are sure your Dad is as laidback and gentle as you say, I would suggest you talk to him quietly, privately and see what happens. I wouldn't suggest the big 'I've got a HUGE announcement to make' drama thing with both of them, as catching anyone offguard can result in unpleasant or awkward moments, especially if they already have a tendency to speak harshly before their brain has woken up.


I don't know how they will react.

My daughters knew from quite young I didn't have a problem with anyone LGBTQ, black, white, mixed, green, red, purple or zoidberg. But even so, I was stuck for words when the eldest told me she'd slept with her boyfriend, despite it being perfectly legal to do so. 'Oh. OK. Oh. Um. OK. Do you want chips or boiled potatoes with your dinner tonight?'. Personally, I can't stand the great lumpen gorilla and would cheerfully see him dropped off a cliff, as he hates her seeing people, doesn't work, doesn't study and sits on his backside playing computer games all day. If she'd had a girlfriend like that, I wouldn't like her, either.

At some point they will be wondering why you haven't been seeing anyone, dating or any of that. They may already have worked it out, they might not. You now know some of the pitfalls of living on your own and, if it came to it, that knowledge would make it easier for you the second time over. So if they don't like what they hear, it's not the end of the world.




*********


The second is that you are in an intense period of reconciliation with your fella. When emotions are high, it's easy to do foolish things, such as spend too much, have huge arguments, make decisions that could affect you for a long period of time. If he's only in the first year of University, there's a whole lot of things that could happen in the next couple of weeks, never mind years.


*******

The worst course is to keep it all quiet permanently, as that could mean your brother dropping you in it accidentally at some point, your parents being upset you didn't tell them, and you permanently worried they will find out, whether you will be put on the street, and permanently lying to them and yourself that it's best this way. That will cause you so much pain and stress, compared to even the most unpleasant scenes, as even if they react badly, you aren't keeping such a vital part of yourself suppressed.


xxx

gratefulforhelp_2

Stiubhart wrote: »

So any advice? Should I grow a pair and tell the family and reap the consequences re: throwing out? Is a relationship worth losing your family over? Should I move out to a flat share and then tell ma and da putting family at risk and debt free date back substantially? Back to sneaking about until we can move in together? I have come to the decision that life is a c*nt!!

Love, your parents ought to get over it (not that there's anything to be got over) but you will never know if you don't take the risk.

Maybe they know already?

Can you go on living a half-life indefinitely?

I would DIE if I thought my son or daughters were scared to tell me they were gay.

Lots of luck xxx

Stiubhart

Three pages? I really am touched by all your reponses. Cheers.

I have had to read and run as currently on lunch at work. I will thoroughly read them all tonight and give a response (might not be succint though ) but I appear to have upset a few members about my language/descriptors of gay people and I apologise if they have caused upset. However, as I say, I will respond to the points made and also offer an explanation of my opinions and beliefs.

Thanks again.

Kay_Peel

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

There are two things here. .....
xxx

Wow, Jojo - that is a stunningly good, in-depth, perceptive and empathetic post. Thanks! :T

Mallotum_X

Tell them, chances are they know already.

My mum knew I was gay long before I confirmed it, my parents had met my now long term partner on several occasions, we even all went on holiday without ever confirming anything. BF and I moved in together, parents came to visit - only 1 spare room - so it was all a bit obvious.

My cousin was getting married a few years back and my mum asked me whether the invitation should be a joint one to me and my partner or seperate ones, i said it would be easier with one, that was about as much of a "coming out" conversation that we needed. However not everyone close to me had worked it out, my sister rang me up to say they thought I probably was but wondered if I "just had the campest housemate in the world". Anyway roll forward a few years and never been any problems with family.

Your mum will almost certainly know or suspect, she will have noticed the lack of girlfriends, most people would probably prefer a gay son over some wierdo who cant pull Tell her but I wouldnt do a big dramatic "Im a !!!!!! and this is my Boyfriend" kind of thing. Go out for a coffee or something and just tell her, get it out of the way.

You also need to relax about being gay, its perfectly normal despite what a few odd balls in society would try and tell you. We come in all types, flavours and styles. Some of us are camp fairies and others no different (or just as different) from anyone else, enjoy the freedom and hopefully support of the local community, as it can be a great community to be part of. Get to know a wider circle of gay people. Personally your bigger worry should be sorting out any lingering financial problems and get that sorted so you can move on with life.

Good luck!

magenta22

You are who you are.

It's not something that is frowned upon so much these days, you know your parents though but I would like to think they would be supportive and will love you no matter. They probably already know!