Fearful of admitting sexuality

Stiubhart

Feasgar math! I have been a long time lurker and occasional poster on the board (first registered in 2006) and need some of your non-judgemental, unbiased, emotionally detached advice.

I flew the nest in early 2007 and moved into a wee flat myself. Loved it at first and managed to save remarkably. Savings soon disappeared after overtime dried up at work and I began to use credit cards for bills, food and travel. These soon mounted up and a few bad decisions (loan and another CC for instance) made matters worse. I had my LBM :money: and asked the rents if I could have my old room back. I didn't tell them the whole story of the financial mess I got myself in.

Meanwhile, I have always know I was gay. I have never known anything else! I never had a girlfriend nor showed any particular interest in girls growing up. I played hockey and football (badly!) and a both male and female friends in equal measure. Denial, self loathing and the wish to fit in didn't help me to be 'normal' so I plucked up the courage to come out to my friends and brother who I'm very close too. My brother was distraught telling me to not be gay! I wish! After a long chat he said I was still his brother and he will always love me but he couldn't accept any boyfriends of mine and won't discuss my sexuality. I lost a few friends who couldn't accept being friends with a !!!!!!. Others stuck by me and are still my friends now. Most of these who stayed with me were questioning my sexuality as I got older but left me to come out in my own time.

When I came out, I went a bit wild having sex with anything i could get my hands on and two turned into short term relationships. They were both crackpots but that's another story... I'm still living in flat at this time mind. My pal says I got the flat to come out, to have sex! Anyway(!), I became fed up and settled back to the mundane routine of life and had break from it all! Until I met the most wonderful guy about six months later. Kind, generous, loving, caring, intelligent, funny et al. He wasn't a stereotype which I love as neither am I. We are men who love men not some mincing, make-up wearing, lisping queen! He swept me off my feet and we fell in love.

As the second paragraph says however, I had to move back in with the rents. I snuck around to keep my BF. I even did some nightshifts which I didn't get paid for because although I left in my uniform, I was actually going to his wee student room to spend the night and returning in the morning in said uniform at my usual time. The lies and sneakiness eventually became to intolerable to keep up. We saw less and less of each other and as the overtime picked up again, I did more and more shifts. When we did see each other, I was distraught afterwards as we weren't boyfriends. We agreed to be friends and texted and Facebooked every so often. If I am honest, I didn't do it as much as I wanted as I didn't want to lead him on and the hurt was too much.

The reason I had to lie and sneak around is that I am absolutely terrified of telling my parents and the wider family. Will they chuck me out? Disown me like my supposed best friends? Will I be accepted but any partner will be shunned just like my brother said. They won't be part of the family like my brother's girlfriend. Won't be invited over. Couldn't come over and spend time with me monged out on the couch with a DVD. I can't afford anywhere decent and I'm not one for sharing with strangers. My friends and brother have their own lives and families and don't want to burden them with me sleeping on their couch.

Now the reason I am posting (hallelujah!) is that I inadvertently bumped into him a few weeks back and we got chatting, and chatted some more until the coffee shop worker chucked as out as he was shutting up shop! We missed each other terribly. He had failed his exams shortly after we had split as partners (he didn't tell me this via text/FB as he knew I would blame myself - which I do btw :rotfl:) and we both had been with no one else. I certainly haven't and he states he only kissed one boy in a club. We went back to his room and had a heart-to-heart and I got out all my issues which he didn't really know about and he told me a few things about himself. We haven't been off the phone to each other since (mega phone bill this month...sorry Martin ) We have reaffirmed our love for each other but still doesn't remove the fact that I feel we can't be 'proper' boyfriends. I want to tell the world about us but fear is keeping me quiet. He has two years of uni left and has lots of debts because of his studies.

So any advice? Should I grow a pair and tell the family and reap the consequences re: throwing out? Is a relationship worth losing your family over? Should I move out to a flat share and then tell ma and da putting family at risk and debt free date back substantially? Back to sneaking about until we can move in together? I have come to the decision that life is a c*nt!!

P.S. Sorry for the rambling, incoherent and unstructured post. I hope you followed ok! Any questions do ask!

jamespir

i dont think you should have hide who you are you should tell your family if they dont want anything to do with you its their loss not yours

londonsurrey

In an ideal world, you should be able to tell your family.
If being chucked out is a very real risk, then only you can decide whether you would rather they know and you be striking out on your own, or if you would rather enjoy the benefits of home and they don't know.

I would urge to you work on being financially independent, as it will help you achieve some of what you want. Good luck with your decisions and endeavours.

Barneysmom

How are your parents in general, do they seem open-minded or are they old fashioned?

You can't live like this forever, it'll make you ill. Follow your heart or else you will never be happy.
If you don't tell them know, then in time they will cotton on, or be wondering why there's no sign of a future wife and children.
Maybe they've an idea anyway and are waiting for you to trust them enough to confide in them?


So what if your debt takes a bit longer to pay off, you will pay it off anyway.

TeaForOne

I don't really have any answers for you other than to say as a mother, the most important thing is that my son is happy and living a fulfilled life.

You sound like you've met someone really special and maybe it's time to put yourself first. It's your life, and I think you should live it to the full.

Mips

You know what, if you were my son, I would rather you came to me and told me that you were gay and how you are suffering with this dilemma - than try and live a lie.

You have to be true to yourself. And how do you know your brother hasn't confided in your parents already? Or they don't secretly know?

Do the right thing, have a few beers if you have to. But tell them.

You aren't going to turn into a pink wearing lipstick lisping !!!!!! overnight are you? (or however you phrased it)

It's not the end of the world - you are GAY. You're not a peadophile, a rapist or a .. a... a... trying to think of other examples (and failing)..


Grow a pair! Man up!

Stiubhart

Jesus wept, I only had a cup of tea and a Wispa and have responses already! Thanks to you all.

jamespir - thanks for that. Of course, it wouldn't solve my homelessness should I be chucked out. I am sure my bro/pals could suffer me for a week or two I suppose until I found somewhere.

londonsurrey - I am not 100% sure if being chucked out is a risk. I think (or is that hope?) my mum and dad ave suspicions but it is that final step and the fear of the rejection is overwhelming. My pals rejected me. My brother rejects my sexuality. I am sure any future psychologist will make lots of money out of me! Thanks re: advice about being financially independent. I did get a large chunk of it away with the excess overtime I did when I was avoiding thinking about partner. Still a way to go though.

Barneysmom - thanks for your post. They are not really open minded in my eyes. I fear my mum will be the worst when I come out. My dad is so laid back nothing phases him. If it came to it, mum would be the one who chucks me out as she rules the roost! Dad would probably go along with it for peace! He gets pocket money and isn't allowed a bank card and has no idea of the PIN!:rotfl: I know I can't live like this forever, hence tonight's rather long rambling post. I think about it most days and it is starting to get me down! As I said in reply to londonsurrey above, I am sure they have have inclinations that I am gay or is that simply my hope?!

TeaForOne - aw you sound like a good mother. I'd hope that mum and dad would feel the same but my real fears are that they won't. He is really special. I get butterflies when I see him and feel all good inside when he texts/phones/emails. Big sap I am!

jackieglasgow

Tell your mother. There's a good chance that she suspects already. She loves you unconditionally, and will want you to be all you can be, you can't do that by hiding part of your personality. A pretty essential part of it, actually. Could you do me a favour though, and go delete some of the more explicit terms in your inital post. This forum is open to under 16's, and tbh if someone reports some of your language, the whole post will get deleted.

Stephb1986_2

I would sit them down and tell them the chances are they already know and are just waiting for you to confirm it for them. When I was in college there was a lad who I made friends with after a few months he came out and said he was gay but he wasn't sure on telling his family, we talked about it and he went home and told his mum and dad that he was gay, they never chucked him out or disowned him they are still very close now.

One of my cousins is also gay he came out on his 18th birthday no one has disowned him and alot of his family especially on his dads side a very strict irish catholics they still love him the same.

I don't think sexuality matters as much as it use to back in the early years when our grandparents were young it was a massive thing being gay then but not so much now. Obviously coming out is a huge thing to you but once it's out then I'm sure you'll feel alot better about things, I think that if your parents aren't so accepting in the sense of they are ok but won't accept your fella you just need to take things slowly and not rub your sexuality in their face IYGWIM.

I hope my post has helped you in some way.

Good luck

Steph xx

MarilynMonroe_2

Speaking as a mother I would feel awful that my child couldnt tell me ANYTHING and everything, and if she was gay then I wouldnt mind a bit, because she is who she is.

Are you 100% sure they dont know already you are gay? They might have been waiting for you to tell them for all you know. xx

Emmzi

You are about to ask your family to respect that you are different to the majority.

You might want to think about the language you use generally - a lot of the words and phrases you use are insensitive to marginalised groups and extend unhelpful stereotypes.

Good luck with your family. They may very well know already and be waiting for you to tell them in your own time. Is there a LGBTQ centre near you that could offer support?