Objective opinions from the sistahood

miss.bint

Need_some_help wrote: »

I'd like some objective opinions on the following situation.

I met my current partner on a dating site, we've been seeing each other for about 3 months now and things seemed to be going well. So much so, we agreed on exclusivity fairly quickly. I am really quite fond of him, although he's very focussed on what he does for a living when we spend time together he does concentrate on me, and he appears to be loving in his intentions and actions. Once I got used to being relegated during office hours, I was satisfied with what we have and would really like this to last. So I have been living in happy land for the past few weeks.

Until recently that is, when I discovered that he still visits this dating site! I visited the site to hide my own profile and cancel my subscription after we'd spent the most wonderful weekend together, and was shocked to see that he was active. Since then I have been obsessed with checking this site to see if he is online, and 8 times out of 10 he is . His attitude towards me hasn't changed, and when I asked him if he was looking elsewhere he denied it.

Sisters, please tell me what I need to hear.

Same thing (more or less) happened to me a few years ago...

We got on so well, had a laugh and dare I say started to 'love' him.
Until I checked (online) mainly to see if he was happy with 'us' as we were heading into the coupledom stage, and there it was; "LAST ACTIVE TODAY: 1.04pm".

I was curious, just thought maybe it was a one off.
No, he was on there every bloody day for the whole week.
A couple of weeks after my 'discovery', he said things were was going too fast.
Ok then, I thought and I told him to sod off.

Few months later he got in touch again. Wouldn't leave me alone after that.
He just kept on coming back....

Now we're married with two children.

Men are fickle and stupid, but the smart ones come around eventually

I'd say don't ask him about it.
Maybe make yourself unavailable for a bit. See what happens there.
If he starts seeing someone else, it's no great loss.
If he is still interested, see how things go from there.

Need_some_help

Ok, I have taken your advice and I raised it...we spoke on the phone whilst he was actually on the website so denial was not an option. The excuse was implausibly pathetic although there was some desperate-sounding remorse. It was a non-emotive conversation, but I didn't see how things can be restored in any way so at least he knows why it's over and I can stop crying and get on with my life.

Thanks for all your help.

liana_y2kuk

so what did he say?

candygirl

Need_some_help wrote: »

Ok, I have taken your advice and I raised it...we spoke on the phone whilst he was actually on the website so denial was not an option. The excuse was implausibly pathetic although there was some desperate-sounding remorse. It was a non-emotive conversation, but I didn't see how things can be restored in any way so at least he knows why it's over and I can stop crying and get on with my life.

Thanks for all your help.

Awww hun i'm really sorry to read this.What was his excuse?:(:(

Need_some_help

Still haven't stopped crying. I know I've done the right thing but I feel so low. I wish someone would wave a magic wand and make it all better.

spirit

Fwiw I think you have made the right decision. I know you must be feeling wretched right now, but best you find out now than later on.

About 3 years ago I experience a very similar thing. I met someone from a dating site. You know the bit where it says what percentage match you both are? Well unusually we were both 100%.

When we eventually met up it was incredible, the attraction was instant and palpable. We spent a lot of time together going out to museums, galleries etc etc.

Then one time we were due to go up to London on a night out. I had to work on the Saturday morning so he stayed at my house the night before and the plan was that we would go after I finished work.

But like you I kind of had an inkling all was not good. He had already asked me if he could use my pc as he hadn't brought his lappie with him. When I got to work I logged into the dating site and sure enough it said he was 'logged on right now'. this meant of course that he was looking at other women on MY pc :mad:

When I got home i said i wasn't feeling well so he could go home. I logged on to my pc and had a look at the history. I found he'd been logged on of course, but even saw the profile of the woman he'd been messaging!

When I'd calmed down a bit I told him why I'd dumped him. He was mortified that a) he'd been caught out and b) that he'd upset me.

He said that it was not that he was unhappy with me but that it was like an addiction - which I think one of the other posters mentioned.

VfM4meplse

Need_some_help wrote: »

Still haven't stopped crying. I know I've done the right thing but I feel so low. I wish someone would wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Unfortunately there is no catalyst to this, it's a grieving process that you have to go through (I'm sure you know this already), but in the scheme of things you have got away lightly, 3 months is not that long.

Count your blessings, of which I'm sure there are many. You won't have to look too far around you to see people who are much worse off than yourself.

ktb

Not that it is much comfort right now i'm sure - but once the hurt subsides, you will hopefully realise that you deserve to be with someone who feels and more importantly demonstrates that they feel, as strongly about you as you do them and that those people are worth waiting for.

Dating sites can be a bit addictive and with all the options displayed on there like a sweets in a sweetshop window, many men & women find it hard to 'settle', even when there is a very compatible person right under their nose. But when someone is totally 'into you' they don't hedge their bets. After my ex totally broke my heart & I made some poor rebound decisions, I then decided to adopt the 'he's just not that into you' principle and spent a very relaxed & fun couple of years officially single, not stressing if someone didn't want to see me again or didn't call and eventually met the most wonderful, demonstrative and reassuring man, who pursued me and wooed me. They ARE out there, they don't play games and they leave you in no doubt whatsoever about how they feel. I hope you stop hurting soon and can move on and be happy.

Person_one

Need_some_help wrote: »

Still haven't stopped crying. I know I've done the right thing but I feel so low. I wish someone would wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Go out, do something, even if you just wander round the shops or sit in the cinema with a massive bucket of popcorn.

Need_some_help

spirit wrote: »

Fwiw I think you have made the right decision. I know you must be feeling wretched right now, but best you find out now than later on.

It's been 4 weeks and I am still wretched, it's getting a whole lot worse. Why on earth did I meet a man that was so right for me in many ways, and then let him go? I just can't seem to focus on anything apart from this huge gap in my life.