Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

Peanuckle

If you got the letter from the opticians in the first place then why not get a copy from them and deliver it yourself? Also, if you have them then insist on dental hygiene whilst they are with you, check their hair for nits etc etc. You might not be able to change their mother's attitude but, imo, leaving them in that state without doing the right thing when they're with you is just as bad. There is nothing to stop you getting some disclosure tablets (Boots and most chemists have them) which colour the plaque on the teeth and make it a game to brush it all off, do that a few times when they come round (keeping it fun) and they might just catch on that their teeth need doing? Or buy them some girlie tooth brushes, paste and hair brush to keep in a pretty pink wash bag. If it's made fun then they'll soon catch on, especially if there are treats for when their teeth are cleaned without prompting.

Going for custody is always an option but although the courts can make an order against the child's wishes CAFCASS always takes note of the child's opinion whatever age they are or so we were told a few years ago.

fannyanna

clearingout wrote: »

Hmmm....thinking head on!

Step parents are in a difficult situation, I agree. Major parenting decisions are the responsibility of the parents and this is where I personally feel step parents need to keep their noses out. It's our choice where the children go to school, it's our choice how they are disciplined, it's our choice at what age they're allowed a mobile phone, ipod, to watch an 18 film etc. It's not for you to influence these decisions but if, for example, I am happy for my child at 15 to watch a particular 18 film but you don't want your 15 year old to watch it, I would be more than happy for you to not allow it under your roof. At the same time, I don't expect my 15 year old to come back with 'Step mum says you're an irresponsible parent for letting me watch that' and I won't say 'your step mum is a miserable moo for not letting you watch it'.

I expect a step parent to take on a parenting role with my children, and I expect that you treat them in the same way you would treat your own. I expect you to pick them up from swimming or supervise homework if they are in your care (your - ex + step parent) and I don't expect to have to see them when they are scheduled to have contact with you. I do expect to be kept up to date with anything important/significant that might have happened whilst in your care and I expect you to let me know well in advance if there's something coming up which might require a change in contact arrangements (or at least as soon as you know about the change). If I have young children or children who are ill/disabled, I expect to be told of illness in your household and to be given a choice as to whether the children attend on that basis - I expect you to have contingencies in place for childcare to deal with your own illness, not to expect me to 'babysit' because you're unwell. However, I would usually 'babysit' rather than risk the children getting ill themselves or indeed, I would like to think I would be sympathetic and flexible on the understanding that on the day I was ill, you were also flexible and understanding.

I don't expect us to be friends or to even like each other. But I do expect you to respect me, my decisions and my parenting style without being rude about me in front of my children and my ex partner. He may today say he thinks it's wrong to let at 15 year old watch an 18 movie but I can assure you when he was with me, it didn't bother him one little bit!

So you basically expect an unpaid childminder

Tish_P

It sounds like the kids' mother is neglectful.

But that is a separate issue from the fact that she has her own job and life now, and it's perfectly reasonable for her to ask for the kids to have a regular schedule. There is no reason why she should have to arrange her life around his shifts. How would he like it if she sent him her timetable for the next two months and told him he was to have the kids on days X ,Y and Z and just expected him to arrange his job around that?

Mojisola

cord123 wrote: »

My husband works shift work and most weekends so having the girls is usually my responsibilty. His ex was always fine with not having a 'set in stone' arrangement, due to his shifts we would try and work it so he spent as much time with them as possible. She now has a boyfriend (who by the way wants nothing to do with the girls!) She has told us that she wants a regular arrangement or will go to a solictor. My OH has tried to explain that he cant commit to every other weekend because he will see them a lot less and they should be with one of their parents not being cared for by me.

Isn't the point of shared care that both parents both get to see their children? If the children are going to be at the father's house when he's out at work, that's not a suitable arrangement. Would a court impose such an arrangement on the father?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Firstly - Dental hygiene - My child brushes her teeth twice a day, she doesnt have juice/pop/tons of sweets etc and eats a well diet - She's 4 - and is in need of a filling (Her teeth are brown at the top)

The reason? Her parathyroid gland doesnt send enough calcium through to her body (Mine does the same) - also results in low bone density.

Many people assume because a child has bad teeth that it is bad parenting - not always the case

Secondly - Nits - Luckily my DD hasnt had these - but nits fly round schools so fast. The female louse can lay 150 eggs in just 4 weeks. Kids will ALWAYS be in range of nits - no matter HOW many time you comb their hair or put treatment on them.

I'm a strong believer in "you took on the partner you take on their kids" - Whilst yes, it might have been a hassle / not nice for you to have them whilst you was ill, What would you do if you had custody of them and then fell ill? refuse to have them?

The eyesight thing - both you and your partner noticed the "lazy eye" - What is to stop you from taking the child to an appointment? The kids are equally his resposibility to and if you/he are concerned then he/you shouldnt just rely on the mother (Especially as you believe her to be a "bad parent")

I know you say you/your partner have them often - great - but if your really concerned about things - then why arent you/he doing them? Whats to stop you both from putting nit treatment on the kids? Whats stopping you both from making sure they brush their teeth? Whats stopping you both from reading to them?

you seem very judgemental of the mother - yet neither you nor your partner are offering solutions other than "we'll go for custody"

As your partner works shifts could he not propose he have the children XXX one week (shift 1) then XXX the following week (shift 2) and so on? I'd get it written from a solicitor and sent to the mother then you all know where you stand

However - If your partner gets called into work and your ill etc then that is something you (as in you and partner) need to deal with. Personally I would go nuts if my ex suddenly dropped DD back because his partner was ill - would you go running round to the ex's to look after the children when she's ill? I doubt it - It's part of being a parent, regardless how ill you are, the kids come first.

**EDIT - Some of the above posts says "you" - I actually mean both you and your partner - i think i "got" most of them and changed them lol if not then apologies - Obviously i dont just mean you solely **

cte1111

Mojisola wrote: »

Isn't the point of shared care that both parents both get to see their children? If the children are going to be at the father's house when he's out at work, that's not a suitable arrangement. Would a court impose such an arrangement on the father?

But in this case, it is the father who is dictating the arrangements, the Mum is having to fit around what he wants on an ad hoc basis. I think you're alone in thinking it is fair for him to have complete control like this.

sarahevie

Other than the smoking which is out of order - I don't really have a problem with the sleeping arrangements a 19 year old even in social housing terms is deemed to *need* her own room. I don't have a problem with parents bed sharing with children if they are ok with it.

I think that the OP does come across as bitter about the tax credits, and suggests that mother doesn't need them as she hardly has the children, but then if she hardly has them why are the other health issues, eyesight, her fault if she hardly has them. Why isn't it the fathers fault if he had them for the majority of Oct for instance.

I think that the mother probably needs support but she is trying her best she does work three days in an honest profession with three kids- give her a break and help her more I would say.

ETA Mimi puts exactly what I was thinking

clearingout

fannyanna wrote: »

So you basically expect an unpaid childminder

so what do you expect?

Marisco

clearingout wrote: »

I personally feel step parents need to keep their noses out. It's our choice where the children go to school, it's our choice how they are disciplined, it's our choice at what age they're allowed a mobile phone, ipod, to watch an 18 film etc. It's not for you to influence these decisions

I expect a step parent to take on a parenting role with my children, and I expect that you treat them in the same way you would treat your own.

You're contradicting yourself there! You want the step to treat them like their own, yet your imposing conditions on them. Either steps are equal or they're not. You cannot have it both ways. Otherwise steps are perfectly within their rights to say, no I'm not having them if I'm ill, they are not mine. TBH it sounds like the OP is more than fair, they have them every weekend, what if they wanted to go out one weekend? Would the ex be flexible about it? How would the ex react if they got a babysitter in, you know, like "normal" parents do, when they want to go out.

fannyanna

clearingout wrote: »

so what do you expect?

Me personally..... I expect my Husband to be a Father to his children and his exes to be Mothers to them.

In general I'm very much a hands off step mum. It seems to work well for everyone involved. My step daughter gets to spend quality time with her Father, his ex doesn't feel as though I'm treading on her toes and I don't feel as though I'm having other people's responsibilities thrust onto me.

Whilst I have no desire to start imposing my beliefs on how my step daughter is raised (she has parents for that) I would not tolerate being dictated to in my own home. It's only happened a couple of times (much credit to my Husbands ex) but there have been occasions where an unreasonable request has been made. An adult discussion ensued and the request was politely declined with a reason provided for the decision.

There is only one area that I do take control on and that is ensuring that they are paid child maintenance and that they have thoughtful birthday and Christmas presents. This is obviously beneficial to the children and the PWC's so I'm sure no one will argue about me being too involved there.