Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

cord123

I think this may be a long post - sorry in advance!

I am a step-mum to two lovely girls, almost 6 and 8. My husband and I have one child together who is 2.

My husband works shift work and most weekends so having the girls is usually my responsibilty. His ex was always fine with not having a 'set in stone' arrangement, due to his shifts we would try and work it so he spent as much time with them as possible. She now has a boyfriend (who by the way wants nothing to do with the girls!) She has told us that she wants a regular arrangement or will go to a solictor. My OH has tried to explain that he cant commit to every other weekend because he will see them a lot less and they should be with one of their parents not being cared for by me. At the moment we have them every tuesday night (regardless of if he is working - i have them alone if need be) and at least one friday or saturday every week and we have them most school holidays as well....
If she went to a solictor can they say that we have to have them every friday night regardless of my OH shifts... for example, if we did this in Nov he would spend about 7 hours with them the whole month..... also, i was ill on the Monday and Tuesday so my OH called her to say that I couldnt have the girls and she went mental, threatening solictors etc. He tried to explain he was at work and why should i have to deal with the girls while I was ill and why should they have to sit there and listen to me being ill.....
My OH had this job when he was with his ex so she knows exactly what the shifts are like.

Also, the girls are never dressed properly - the youngest turned up to a party (she dropped them off for me to bring back with me) wearing his ex old nighty and her big sisters sandals (which were too big) because thats what she wanted to wear.... they also have nits constantly because she wont sort it out.... the eldest has had to have several teeth taken out becasue they were rotten. I had noticed that the youngest seemed to have a lazy eye and kept mentioning it to her, she said she would sort it in the summer holidays but it got to the end of august and she hadnt done anything. So I took her to the opticians and he gave me a letter for her gp for a hospital referal. as yet she still doesnt have a date from hospital and all we get from the ex is that she will chase it up and we have now found out that she has a 2 bedroom house which she shares with her daughter, 19, from a prev relationship and she wont share her bedroom with her two younger sisters so the youngest one sleeps in bed with his ex and the older one on a matress on the floor. She also smokes in the bedroom, both the girls have asthma. (she is a nurse as well!!!!)

Just to make it clear in Oct, we had the girls 16 nights out of 31 so we do have them as much as possible!)

What I would like to know is) could a court rule that we have to set up a regular arrangement even if it isnt in the best interests of the child and clearly just for her personal social life and b) what would the chances of getting the kids to live with us be? They have their own room with us etc.

Thanks

Bubby

If they are living how you say they are then your OH should be fighting for residency. Children are only children once and they need their parents to protect them.

balletshoes

your OH's ex can ask for whatever she wants if she goes to court and wants regular access times and days for your OH to have the girls. Your OH would have to agree to it though, and if he has a regular-ish shift pattern, on the face of it the reasonable thing for him to do would be to agree to every access that his shifts allow him to.

Kids will be kids - the dressing up in old clothes to go to a party I'd just laugh off, she's 5 years old. But the lack of care with the girls' eyesight and dental problems, thats a different kettle of fish, and if your OH is fully committed to having the children in his residency, then in his shoes I'd be starting that ball rolling. It will get very expensive though, it could go on and on for years - and it will be down to him to do it all, you can only support him firmly in the background.

DCFC79

Sounds like the kids are better off living with they're father and yourself, the eyesight and dental issues should be sorted asap.

cord123

balletshoes wrote: »

Kids will be kids - the dressing up in old clothes to go to a party I'd just laugh off, she's 5 years old. But the lack of care with the girls' eyesight and dental problems, thats a different kettle of fish, and if your OH is fully committed to having the children in his residency, then in his shoes I'd be starting that ball rolling. It will get very expensive though, it could go on and on for years - and it will be down to him to do it all, you can only support him firmly in the background.

I totally hear what you say but it just gets embarrassing... they are always the kids to look a mess.... she doesnt like having her hair brushed so she isnt made too, i just feel that it looks like my son gets everything cause he is always clean, well dressed etc....

thats the thing, we dont have any money to fight with....

cord123

They wouldnt want to live with us anyway....... their mum is an angel in their eyes (and rightly so) but she is awful. they have no rules or dsicpline... dont have to finish dinner or wash brush their teeth etc. If they were asked they would want to live with her becasue they think she is fun etc.....
whereas my oh who goes on almost every school trip he can and make sure that they are in clarks shoes rather than cheap £4 ebay shoes for school is seen as the strict one.... during the teeth thing for example he said he didnt want them having chewing gum ( we couldnt understand why they were allowed it anyway but there you go) so she would drop them to me and then say xxxxxx quickly put the gum in the bin before your dad gets home.

His hands are tied..... i just feel so bad for him that people will judge the girls, the eldest is already bullied cause her breath stinks... his ex cant see what he is saying.

As for the shifts, he has got his rota until the middle of Jan so he emailed her when he would like the kids... atleast once a week and one fri or saturday or both a week - but she she still isnt happy! We are really felxible and if she asks us to have them on a certain date we will if possible.... this may sound awful but i just feel she had the kids becasue of all the benfits she gets.... strictly speaking, if we have them more than her on a monthly basis should she be actually getting all the tax credits and benefits for them? x

grey_lady

Presumably as a nurse she has job to go to, shifts etc? so what does she do when you tell her at the last minute that you can't have the kids? Or that you can't tell her what days you will be able to have them. How is she supposed to make arrangements around that? She might have been with it in the past but things do change and it may be harder for her now.

Buttonmoons

Does she not care that her child is being bullied because her mouth is full of rot hence giving her nasty breath? Or that her kids are crawling in lice? Urgh, see I don't understand mentality like that.

Wouldn't want her nursing me!

princessdreamer

Courts will go for set access as it is deemed in the childs best interests. As for being ill, when I am ill I have my children as I have them 24/7, there are times when I have had to literally crawl on hands and knees to look after toddler as I could not physically stand up. Had to order take out for tea as no way I could cook. it is rare but it happens.
As for smoking guilty a couple on a morning, then while DD is at nursery and a couple on a night, the DR says ex causes too much stress to consider stopping.
However my children are well fed and their health needs are met, these are the only concerns I picked up as being valid in your post.

Gigglepig

I agree with posters above that your OH should consider applying for having the kids living at yours.

The one point where I may disagree slightly with OP is the being sick/changing at short notice. I can understand why their mum would be annoyed if OP's OH changes things last minute. It is entirely up to him to arrange childcare during "his" days, i.e. if OH is too sick he should pay for a baby sitter not "dump" the kids with their mum.

cord123

grey_lady wrote: »

Presumably as a nurse she has job to go to, shifts etc? so what does she do when you tell her at the last minute that you can't have the kids? Or that you can't tell her what days you will be able to have them. How is she supposed to make arrangements around that? She might have been with it in the past but things do change and it may be harder for her now.

She work part time 3 days a week 9-5, private hospital.
Thats my point we give her at least 2 months notice..... but we dont feel that it is in the best interests of the children to commit to say every friday night if their dad is off on the saturday... surely what is important is the children seeing the most of both their parents and not her social life. We dont get a social life becasue we have them whenever my OH is not working....