Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

Mojisola

cte1111 wrote: »

But in this case, it is the father who is dictating the arrangements, the Mum is having to fit around what he wants on an ad hoc basis. I think you're alone in thinking it is fair for him to have complete control like this.

So how is it worked out when one parent works shifts?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Mojisola wrote: »

So how is it worked out when one parent works shifts?

Depends - If it is a regular shift pattern then it's easy.

No one works 7 days a week 365 days a year . . . . If people want to see their children then they make it happen.

RE: the "contridicition" - I would expect the step parent to care, love and nurture my child as if they was their own HOWEVER the part i draw a line at is discipline. Shout, naughty step all fine. But if my DD's step mum ever smacked DD then there would be trouble (I dont smack DD - neither should any one else)

Mojisola

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Depends - If it is a regular shift pattern then it's easy.

No one works 7 days a week 365 days a year . . . . If people want to see their children then they make it happen.

But isn't that what the father is trying to do - have the children when he is not at work?

A lot of people work shifts and it must be something that has to be worked out in a lot of separated families.

Tish_P

Well, maybe he will have to arrange his work around his children from time to time rather than the other way around, like his ex does and like practically every woman with children has to.

Mojisola

Tish_P wrote: »

Well, maybe he will have to arrange his work around his children from time to time rather than the other way around, like his ex does and like practically every woman with children has to.

If you're in a job that demands shifts, this is rarely possible.

I'm not for either parent in this case - it would be the same issue if it was the mother who worked shifts.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Shifts are normally rota’d and are in a set pattern ... in most cases

some are - 1 week of nights, 1 week of days, or 4 on 4 off for example.

OP says that the father knows his shifts for the next 2 months – So exactly WHY should there be ANY reason for him not to have the children when he is scheduled to?

If it is his weekend to have the kids and he has to work over time then he has one of two choices. Turn down the over time and spend time with his kids. Or work the over time leaving the kids with his current wife.

What he should not be doing is dictating to his ex when she is to have the children – which is what he has done. He decided to work – His partner decided she didn’t want the children so the ex had to “like it and lump it” and look after the kids. The ex, for all we know, could have had plans she couldn’t change (And more to the point, why on earth should she?)

euronorris

princessdreamer wrote: »

no smoking upstairs is never acceptable, I used to smoke outside but with a baby it was impractical. As I said I smoke less than a pack of ten per day, funnily enough it is a hangover from the ex who smoked/still smokes a lot.

Even 2 a day is damaging to yours and your families health.

I know how difficult it is to give up (I've done it repeatedly myself), especially with extra stresses, but you would all benefit greatly from giving up. Have you considered/tried other forms of stress relief?

Buttonmoons

The OP was poorly, she didn't decide to just "not have the kids" But was ill herself and had her 2 year old to look after. That's not really a case of like it or lump it?

Dont think OP mentioned her OH doing overtime, just that his job was on shifts, and as he would like to see his children, then working out arrangements so the days he has them at weekends coincides with him not working - seems pretty reasonable to me.

Whilst OP is a step parent, and with the childrens father, it is not her responsibility to step in because of work or ex's demands that only XYZ day suits her.

Also, can the OP even take the children and get dental work and eye problems done without the mothers consent? I don't think she actually *can* and the point is, why is the mother not even doing that in the 1st place? She is the parent with custody.

If the OP has the girls for 1/2 days at the weekend, that is NOT enough to clear a head of nits, it has to be done regularly, to catch any nits hatching. The mother clearly is not doing this - and a female louse perhaps can lay 150 eggs in 4 weeks, but who wouldn't notice their kid had headlice before that? Do they not wash their hair, or see them furiously scratching at their head? If there is a few roaming around in there, you can usually see them just ambling around anyways, there is really no excuse, and it's just infecting everyone else within the girls head range, if I was a parent at that school and my daughter was catching lice regularly because other children's parents were negligent, I would be hitting the roof.

I'm pretty sure OP does tell the kids to brush their teeth whilst at hers (I cant imagine the sort of person who wouldnt) but 1 day of brushing your teeth properly, isn't going to make up for a week of no brushing, and a bad diet is it? The point is, the little girls mouth is rotting, her breath is so bad that she is bullied for it, it's not a case of morning breath or needing a few fillings is it? The teeth probably all need removed by the sounds of it.

I don't know why OP is getting grief, at the end of the day, it's not her children, she has her own child, she cares for these children but is obviously a step parent so she can't actually do much, and from the sounds of the ex, I'm sure anything she does would be scorned upon. Some women are just like this, as someone else pointed out "keep your nose out" "Free babysitter"

Tish_P

I don't see anyone giving the OP grief. I see people giving her husband grief for expecting both women, plus his kids, to fit themselves around his schedule. *He* should be compromising here.

Buttonmoons

Tish_P wrote: »

I don't see anyone giving the OP grief. I see people giving her husband grief for expecting both women, plus his kids, to fit themselves around his schedule. *He* should be compromising here.

OP has said he's had and done the same job since he was with the ex, he is on a rota so *has* to work some weekends - So he should quit his job, and not support either of his familys then