Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

Buttonmoons

Yes for one month she said they had them for 16 days, Im presuming because of half term they weren't at school for some of that.

I said earlier, headlice needs to be done regularly, the eggs can take 10 days to hatch, and there is always the chance you will miss the odd one, which is why the hair needs to be done every 2 days at least to make sure nothing else is in there. OP could do the hair, apply stuff to kill them, send them home, mother doesn't redo when the eggs may of hatched and the cycle begins again.

OP said her son knows to clean his teeth after breakfast, and they don't. You cannot save teeth that are rotting, with brushing them for half the month, sadly. I know this because my own mother is very much like the person OP is describing, and my little sister's breath was utterly stinking, and ALL her teeth has to be removed, I have her here to stay most weekends, I have bought her an electric toothbrush, for here and at home, she does it here as my daughter does it, but I'm not sure if she is brushing her 4 "new" teeth (she honestly looks like a pirate) at home, as it won't be being encouraged. My sister was teaming with headlice, my mum kept saying she'd do it later.....later.....I did her hair here (and my daughters after she caught them off her) and then for 2 weeks, I went upto my mums with a nitty gritty comb and did her hair - why? Because my mother is ignorant and probably a sociopath, thinks she is a brilliant parent though.

We have a check on my sister looking like a tramp, bad diet, bad manners, although excelling at school (no-one does her homework with her) and as my mum and her husband have just split up, she is using the child as a tool too, and why? Because she likes to go out every weekend and have "time to herself" and do "what she wants" if my sisters father can't take her, she kicks up old merry fuss "you are not getting her etc etc"

To be honest, I'd rather they gave her to me, at least she'd be fed and clean!


So I have took this thread quite personally, as everything those poor children are going through, is staring at me in the face with my own sister, and it is neglect.


I agree though that children do say things, but you cannot dispute a mouth full of rotten teeth, bad manners and a head full of beasties, that's just evidence.

My daughter shouted out on the bus " remember that time you killed me" and went onto elaborate how I strangled her, but then she came back to life :eek: Some things kids say you can take with a pinch of salt, and OP has already said the children love their mother very much, and wouldn't want to NOT live with her, so it's not a case of what the children are saying, it's what's glaringly obvious.

I am thankful, I haven't turned out like my mother, as the generations on my mums side all seem to be the same. I am the black sheep for this reason, but at least my child didn't need put to sleep to have all her teeth removed.

clearingout wrote: »

and equally, the OP has said that the children have been with her and her husband for almost half the month. So why haven't they tackled the head lice? are they not cleaning teeth? are they not feeding decent food? the smoking around the children could be something as simple as her having entered the children's bedroom once with a cigarette (not good, I agree) which has stuck in their minds and was presented to dad in such a way that it feels like every day...earlier in the thread I quoted my eldest telling me the youngest needing a nappy change and then 3 minutes later telling me it was 'hours' since he'd told me about it. If he told my ex that, he'd be up in arms - and he'd be right to be - but it's a simple misrepresentation of the situation. 'Mum smokes in our bedroom' is a simple enough statement to make but could cover 1001 scenarios, many of which would be fairly innocuous.

Is dad actually talking to mum about his concerns or is he just 'ganging up' with his new wife, making a lot of assumptions (which may or may not be right) and deciding mum is a 'bad' person and now there's nothing at all to be done to persuade otherwise.

How can the OP know, categorically without any room for any doubt at all, that the new boyfriend doesn't like the children?

princessdreamer

On the other hand despite never meeting me or my children, the ex husbands girlfriend has said that my children are not fed, bathed. They do all the housework and work as my carers. I drink, smoke have other men around and the children never attend school. Funnily enough the schools and health visitors think the exact opposite, in fact people comment on how smart, polite and well loved my children are.

Two sides lots of grey areas. Heck I do smoke so maybe I am an evil mother PMSL.

Buttonmoons

You will always encounter people like that though, that make stuff up that is CLEARLY not true, I'm currently not talking to my ex's mother as she told my daughter that she is filthy and I never wash her clothes. She won't apologise either, despite the fact when she comes back from her house she stinks like damp, because their house is old and dirty. I have never said this though and if she thinks that I don't clean her clothes she should say something to me, not my daughter - and my washing machine is never off.

I smoke too, according to her, that makes me "poor" - Erm okay then :rotfl:

princessdreamer wrote: »

On the other hand despite never meeting me or my children, the ex husbands girlfriend has said that my children are not fed, bathed. They do all the housework and work as my carers. I drink, smoke have other men around and the children never attend school. Funnily enough the schools and health visitors think the exact opposite, in fact people comment on how smart, polite and well loved my children are.

Two sides lots of grey areas. Heck I do smoke so maybe I am an evil mother PMSL.

Ellejmorgan

Before any court or solicitor can be involved they will advise her that she will be required to undertake mediation-
If she files for this the cost is £500+ vat regardless of income..
Keep being the good stepmum, as obviously her relationship is doomed, I wouldn't go near a bloke who didn't want to know my babies..

Keep going..

Bubby

In my opinion it is irrelevent that you are their stepmum, your husband is their father and if he feels they are being neglected then he needs to contact the mother and sit down and discuss what to do. If he is not happy after this he is within his rights to contact social services.

This should be his priority before adding any more children into the mix.

cord123

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Shifts are normally rota’d and are in a set pattern ... in most cases

some are - 1 week of nights, 1 week of days, or 4 on 4 off for example.

OP says that the father knows his shifts for the next 2 months – So exactly WHY should there be ANY reason for him not to have the children when he is scheduled to?

If it is his weekend to have the kids and he has to work over time then he has one of two choices. Turn down the over time and spend time with his kids. Or work the over time leaving the kids with his current wife.

What he should not be doing is dictating to his ex when she is to have the children – which is what he has done. He decided to work – His partner decided she didn’t want the children so the ex had to “like it and lump it” and look after the kids. The ex, for all we know, could have had plans she couldn’t change (And more to the point, why on earth should she?)

I'm not sure hwere you have got that he dictates to his ex when she is to have the children. He sends her a list of his shifts and says when he would like to have them (it is always ateast one weekend night and every tuesday) if his shifts change I have them. He was never going to be there when I was ill but I said I would have them anyway.

I was ill so my husband asked if she could keep them as I wasnt going to work (i would normally pick them up from my mil and then drop them back the next day)

As it satnds, my MIL had them for the night but that shouldnt come inot it.

I firmly believe that children s!!!!!d be with their mum or dad not with the step parent. Not because I dont want them but becasue they miss their mum or dad. Personally I dont think her social life should come into it - ours doesnt! Surely it should be worked so that the children get the maximum time with their parents?

cord123

Sorry, I had a hectic day of hospital appointments with my son yesterday!

I think some people have taken what I have said and run away with it!!

My husband doesnt dictate to his ex when he has the children. He sends his list of shifts to her and suggests when we have them, always one night on the weekend and one in the week (same weekday) we try to choose the weekend noght where he will get the maximum time with the children.

I think it is completely impractable as one poster said to ask for flexible working or go part time.... we still have bills to pay! I just feel that he did this job when they were togther so she knew exactly what it was like. For example, he has worked 9 days straight had one day off which finished on a night so he didntget home til 7am sunday mroning then he was back in work at 9 am monday for a court hearing (he is in the police) he is now on shift for 13 days straight. This isnt by choice or for ot he doesnt get paid anymore he jsut gets his days of in leui which he will save to take during a half term.

I dont at all think she is a bad mum in the sense that she is deliberatly neglectful, i just think her priorities are very warped. For instance, they had no nits for a year before this instance but before that they had them practically for 2 years. We would do their hair every time they were at ours but if it isnt kept up then they wont go. I even bought new hair brushes for using at their mums house but when my OH picked them up they were using their old ones.
With regards to the teeth cleaning, they brush their teeth twice a day at ours and we even get them kids mouthwash but again, if this isnt done at home then it will never be enough. The ex gives them rubbish all the time including chewing gum....

With regards to how much a stepmum should do, I agree that I married someone with children so they are my responsilbilty now as well, but I feel that ultimately children should be with their parents and if one is at work then they should be with the other and not looked after by anyone that is free.....

I didnt say that the boyfirend wants nothing to do with the kids to make myself look better but more to indicate that personally, if i had met someone and they made it clear they werent inetersted in building a relationship with my son then i would not continue to see them... perhaps that is just me though? They have been together for 2 years.

Also, the smoking and bedroom situation. I completely disagree that it is fine for a child to share a bed with their mum. The 19 shoudl share a room... I had to share a bedroom with my two younger sisters up until I moved out and that was in a council house so whether i should have done or had to is another story, i did. Also, if the girls did share then she could smoke all she wanted, but smoking in a bedroom, i think is disgusting anyway, let alone when you share with two asmatic daughters.
The eldest told us last night that she asked mummy to stop and she said no cause she enjoys it and she will be very grumpy with them if she did and the youngest said, it is really bad for her lungs and they are what make you breath - so they are clearly worried about it....

I am not on here to make myself or my husband sound like angels.... but simply to get advise about that way forward with the least amount of upset.

cord123

Bubby wrote: »

In my opinion it is irrelevent that you are their stepmum, your husband is their father and if he feels they are being neglected then he needs to contact the mother and sit down and discuss what to do. If he is not happy after this he is within his rights to contact social services.

This should be his priority before adding any more children into the mix.

thus being the reason we havent had any more!

cord123

princessdreamer wrote: »

On the other hand despite never meeting me or my children, the ex husbands girlfriend has said that my children are not fed, bathed. They do all the housework and work as my carers. I drink, smoke have other men around and the children never attend school. Funnily enough the schools and health visitors think the exact opposite, in fact people comment on how smart, polite and well loved my children are.

Two sides lots of grey areas. Heck I do smoke so maybe I am an evil mother PMSL.

personally i dont like smoking but that isnt the issue - surely any sane person would agree you dont smoke in the same room your children sleep!?

cord123

clearingout wrote: »

that's an assumption...the OP has not said anything at all (as far as I remember) about wanting changes for 'binge drinking' and the 'new boyfriend'. She has made a comment that the new boyfriend doesn't want the children around but she hasn't said why she has come to that conclusion. I mean, honestly, how could she know? The children may well not like him, or feel pushed out because mum has her attention partly elsewhere, but that doesn't follow necessarily that mum only wants these changes because she wants to go out more.

I note that dad has moved on, got himself a new wife and has childcare on tap for when it suits him. When mum chooses to move on, it's somehow binge drinking and a boyfriend who isn't interested in the children?! dad's allowed a life and a new family but mum isn't?

I havent once mentioned her drinking - as far as i care she can have swinging parties!

My husband has moved on yes, but with someone who accepted the children as well. She has told us that her new bpyfirned isnt interested in playing dad again (he has two older children) and doesnt want to forge a relationship with the girls. Totally understand this but then she equally needs to understand that as a mum of two younger children she cant (i dont feel) live like that without her children feeling pushed out.

I dont think she does bad for childcare.. not many mums get every weekend and one night a week to themselves.....