Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

Marisco

princessdreamer wrote: »

The whole thing is strange the OP seems to both want the children full time and not want them when her husband is working. The mother stands very little chance of losing residency and will use the OPs words against her, life is like that. Throw in the money issue and bang the whole thing goes tits up.

If you read her posts properly, it's not that she doesn't want them, it's that their dad will not see them if he's working!!! And as he is their dad, it's pointless Cord having them! Access is for a parent to see his/her kids, not for the partner to see them. So if he is working on a Friday, and not Saturday, then it makes sense to have them on Saturday when he is home!!

CH27

princessdreamer wrote: »

The whole thing is strange the OP seems to both want the children full time and not want them when her husband is working. The mother stands very little chance of losing residency and will use the OPs words against her, life is like that. Throw in the money issue and bang the whole thing goes tits up.

Not at all. The OP just feels it's better for the children to see as much of their dad as possible.

cord123

princessdreamer wrote: »

The whole thing is strange the OP seems to both want the children full time and not want them when her husband is working. The mother stands very little chance of losing residency and will use the OPs words against her, life is like that. Throw in the money issue and bang the whole thing goes tits up.

I'm not sure what words she can use against me? You seem to be reading bits and putting them together how you wish.

If I could decide, I would love them to live with us. I could raise them how I raise my son and make sure they were looked after how I think they should be. If this isnt possible, and the time we have them is limited - surely it should be when my husband is at home, not what fits in with the ex! Its not a case of not wanting them when he is working but more what the point is? If there is a choice of having them fri or saturday and he is working fri, surely saturday is the best option.

Not sure what the money issure is either.... other than saying he has helped her out as much as possible and that if we were to have them more than the ex we should be getting the relevent child benefit etc....

I feel that people are very quick to jump to the defence of single mums but not so quick for the dads.... if the dad had the children live with him 'full time' and go the relevant benefits for this but in actual fact it was working out the 9 times out of 10 the mum was having the children more on a monthly basis there would be uproar on here saying that she should be gettign the money.

The money is a secondary issue and simply mentioned because if we were to have them full time obv we would need that money towards their upkeep - just as she gets it now...

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

As mentioned, I said I believe i read your post incorrect – i didn’t read it that the kids were already at their mums but rather was sent home.

If the father was always going to be at work then why was the contact arranged? You keep mentioning you don’t see the point in the kids being there when their father isn’t – so taking that in to account there should not have been any contact arranged.

What I don’t understand is why, if his shift pattern is arranged 2 months in advance – Why can he not commit Friday/Saturdays? My uncle is CPO, he doesn’t suddenly get dragged into work each and every weekend. Occassionally when it can’t be helped – yes. But every single weekend? Unlikely.

Smoking – Whether you believe it is right or wrong is irrelevant. You cannot force someone to stop smoking in their own home and around their children, It is not illegal.

The money issue – as you mentioned they are joint debts – so he hasn’t actually helped her out. If the debt company can not get one person to pay on a joint – they go for the other person and claim the FULL amount. All she would need to do is “hide” and they would have took the money from him anyway.

Granted – giving her a car was nice, but he then can’t use this “against” her.

If your OH gets his rota – and can commit to every other weekend – then have access every other weekend. It isn’t about working around your ex, or your OH. It’s working around the kids and giving them a routine.

And actually – I’m not sure the posters ID – but the judge will not laugh the ex out of court for wanting it REGULAR when the OP’s OH has his rota TWO WHOLE MONTHS in advance

cord123

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

As mentioned, I said I believe i read your post incorrect – i didn’t read it that the kids were already at their mums but rather was sent home.

If the father was always going to be at work then why was the contact arranged? You keep mentioning you don’t see the point in the kids being there when their father isn’t – so taking that in to account there should not have been any contact arranged.

What I don’t understand is why, if his shift pattern is arranged 2 months in advance – Why can he not commit Friday/Saturdays? My uncle is CPO, he doesn’t suddenly get dragged into work each and every weekend. Occassionally when it can’t be helped – yes. But every single weekend? Unlikely.

Smoking – Whether you believe it is right or wrong is irrelevant. You cannot force someone to stop smoking in their own home and around their children, It is not illegal.

The money issue – as you mentioned they are joint debts – so he hasn’t actually helped her out. If the debt company can not get one person to pay on a joint – they go for the other person and claim the FULL amount. All she would need to do is “hide” and they would have took the money from him anyway.

Granted – giving her a car was nice, but he then can’t use this “against” her.

If your OH gets his rota – and can commit to every other weekend – then have access every other weekend. It isn’t about working around your ex, or your OH. It’s working around the kids and giving them a routine.

And actually – I’m not sure the posters ID – but the judge will not laugh the ex out of court for wanting it REGULAR when the OP’s OH has his rota TWO WHOLE MONTHS in advance

You seem to be missing what is being said here and turning it into something to argue about.....

Contact was agreed, as I have said millions of times, on a tuesday because it was nice for them to see their brother plus he misses not seeing then for more than a few days at a time.

We DO WANT TO COMMIT to every weekend but not the day..... his shifts are 6 on 4 off for three sets then 6 on 3 off. Also, one week her will work one set of hours and the next week a different set, then back to week 1 times... it basically works out that out of 4 weekends he will work 3 at some point. What we try and do is have the kids so they will spend the most time with their dad......

Fine about the smoking but I think its wrong - that is my opinion.

Debts - he has helped her out as the debt wasnt technically joint. It was in her name and he was just a holder of a second card. She has a bad credit record so he trf it onto a )% in his name to pay off.. I am not asking for a medal for him. I was simply using it as an example at how he has always tried to do things fairly.

without being rude you dont seem to understand that he very rarely gets whole weekends free... also... I personally think it is better for the girls to stay with us every weekend for atleast 1 night than every other for 2.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Lol I’m not arguing anything – what I’m saying is that the ex now wants a DAY agreeing – and NO court will “laugh her out” for wanting this. If you OH works 6 shifts on then 4 shifts off for 3 weeks then his rota (for example):

Mon 31st Nov – 5th WORKING
6th 7th 8th 9th OFF
10th Dec – 16th WORKING
16th 17th 18th 19th OFF
20th – 26th WORKING
27th 28th 29th 30th OFF

Then all he would need to do is stick to the roat, pick a “day” – So if he has 4 days off, why can he not say “I’ll have the kids the second night i’m off” and stick to it. Then if he gets pulled into work it is his responsibility to sort out childcare (Same as it would be the mothers) – the kids should still stick to the routine.

If he was a holder of a card in the debt then his name was assigned to the account and he is fully liable (as it the ex should your OH disappear)

I do understand that he has to work – the point is, if he is working and wants to see his kids also then something has to give. I’m not naive enough to say “quit the job” so unfortunately – it’s the kids access time that will suffer.

cord123

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Lol I’m not arguing anything – what I’m saying is that the ex now wants a DAY agreeing – and NO court will “laugh her out” for wanting this. If you OH works 6 shifts on then 4 shifts off for 3 weeks then his rota (for example):

Mon 31st Nov – 5th WORKING
6th 7th 8th 9th OFF
10th Dec – 16th WORKING
16th 17th 18th 19th OFF
20th – 26th WORKING
27th 28th 29th 30th OFF

Then all he would need to do is stick to the roat, pick a “day” – So if he has 4 days off, why can he not say “I’ll have the kids the second night i’m off” and stick to it. Then if he gets pulled into work it is his responsibility to sort out childcare (Same as it would be the mothers) – the kids should still stick to the routine.

If he was a holder of a card in the debt then his name was assigned to the account and he is fully liable (as it the ex should your OH disappear)

I do understand that he has to work – the point is, if he is working and wants to see his kids also then something has to give. I’m not naive enough to say “quit the job” so unfortunately – it’s the kids access time that will suffer.

But that IS what happens already!! She just wants that day to be the same every weekend which is stupid cause he may not be there then and then off the next day.

No he was just a card holder, he wasnt liable for the debt at all..... it was not a joint account, similarly to if someone holds a card on a business account - they are not liable for the debt. Anyway, that has nothing to do with it.

The kids access time doesnt need to suffer - that is the whole point of the thread!! What we are saying is that we want the weekend time to be felxible in that he has them either the friday OR the saturday... giving her a few months notice!

cord123

Plus it isnt as simple as that anyway.... his shifts are often changed due to ops so for NYE he may need to work even if it isnt his shift, same with halloween, fireworks night, the olympics etc... as I said his rest days this week were cancelled due to him needing to appear in court.

She knew the job when she had children with him.

euronorris

princessdreamer wrote: »

The whole thing is strange the OP seems to both want the children full time and not want them when her husband is working. The mother stands very little chance of losing residency and will use the OPs words against her, life is like that. Throw in the money issue and bang the whole thing goes tits up.

Where did she say she didn't want them?

She does, and regularly has them when her husband is working. There is only one incidence where she asked (note asked, not dictated) if it was possible for the kids to stay with their Mum that day because she was sick. I'm sure the OP would be happy to have the kids one day if their Mum was sick too, so I don't see what the big problem is there.

Also, I really feel the need to clarify this: Asking to have the kids on a different day is NOT dictation. It's a question. The mother always has the option of saying 'No, sorry, I want/need the evening/day/weekend off from being a Mum' or 'I already have plans, sorry.' and the OP and her OH would then stick to the original date. OP has already stated this numerous times!

cord123

euronorris wrote: »

Where did she say she didn't want them?

She does, and regularly has them when her husband is working. There is only one incidence where she asked (note asked, not dictated) if it was possible for the kids to stay with their Mum that day because she was sick. I'm sure the OP would be happy to have the kids one day if their Mum was sick too, so I don't see what the big problem is there.

Also, I really feel the need to clarify this: Asking to have the kids on a different day is NOT dictation. It's a question. The mother always has the option of saying 'No, sorry, I want/need the evening/day/weekend off from being a Mum' or 'I already have plans, sorry.' and the OP and her OH would then stick to the original date. OP has already stated this numerous times!

hahaha! Ever get the feeling you are repeating yourself! :rotfl::rotfl: