Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

clearingout

and not every mum has to cope on their own, without a partner, with their children the rest of the time. It's very different being a single parent to being a parent in a relationship and the time off is well earned.

clearingout

cord123 wrote: »

personally i dont like smoking but that isnt the issue - surely any sane person would agree you dont smoke in the same room your children sleep!?

cord, with all due respect, using emotive words like 'sane' suggesting she is anything but is part of the problem here. You're judging her by your standards, not hers and her ex's standards. These are different things.

I am not personally convinced that you'd get a change of residence if you pursued it through court, but the teeth thing is very worrying and does show a level of neglect, so it would be worth a free half hour with a solicitor to discuss what the options might be. Be very sure of your facts, be careful how you approach the children in getting those facts (so much is open to interpretation and children so easily make mountains out of mole hills - and vice versa) and see what the legal people say. Once your partner has legal advice, he will perhaps have something to go to the ex with and ask her to sit down and discuss things sensibly. If she's not coping as well as she might, what help can be offered, rather than threatening to take the children away, for example?

The boyfriend sounds charming. She's a bit of a fool for telling you that he doesn't want to know the children, that's for sure. At some point, she will have to make a choice and she may well make the wrong one.

euronorris

clearingout wrote: »

but nor is it unreasonable that the children have regular contact on a regular pattern and that his ex knows where she stands, is it?

She does know where she stands though. They agree the schedule 2 months in advance, and it appears it's always regular and weekly.

Also, sometimes, compromise is not possible. It sucks, but that's life. He could look for another job, but who's to say the hours would be any better, or fixed there either?

Is he even qualified to do other work? Would it pay enough? etc etc Sometimes it isn't as easy as just changing jobs. And certainly, in this economy, changing jobs is not easy at all.

so where is the middle ground? how is a compromise going to be reached? by the OP and her husband deciding that the children would be better off in their care and going for a residence order through the courts? assuming they could get a change of residence, it wouldn't happen for months...and then what? how is he going to fit in the children full-time around his work if his wife/partner can't/won't look after them as they jointly believe that they should always be cared for by a parent? Or would it be OK for them to put them in childcare as they'd now have all the tax credit, maintenance payments etc. so they can now afford it?

I think that someone else provided a good response to this (it was either mojisola or marisco). There is a big difference between the children being there part time, and that happens to be when he's at work, than having the children full time and he can then be there for them when he's not working, and they'd arrange childcare as needed, I would imagine.

I just cannot see the point of insisting that the children visit him, when he's not able to be there.

euronorris

Tish_P wrote: »

My personal experience is that I have no children and am not planning any. If you're going to criticise me for making assumptions you could try a bit harder not to do it yourself.

I didn't assume. I said 'perhaps', because, I didn't know.

cord123

clearingout wrote: »

and not every mum has to cope on their own, without a partner, with their children the rest of the time. It's very different being a single parent to being a parent in a relationship and the time off is well earned.

I totally understand that as my mum was a single parent with 6 children..... but she needs to understand that the situation would be the same if her and my husband were still together with regards to his hsifts etc

Perhaps sane is the wrong turn of phrase but I do feel very strongly about it.
We are very careful not to take every thing the kids say as gospel but more for what we can see ourselves... nightclothes smelling of smoke, bad teeth etc.

She asked my husband to go into her bedroom to get a box from on top of the wardrobe that she couldnt reach. This is when he saw an ashtray full of butts. He did say something then but she brushed it off and he wont get into an arguement with her infront of the children.

We know full well that children can be minapulative and can say things for attention for example the eldest told us that the boyfriend said to her that when their mum took them to my MIL she should just throw her in the pool (she has one in the back garden) because that is the best way to learn to swim, she told my husband and said it really upset her etc but when he mentioned it to his ex she said she was laughing at it, his eldest said that she was but was scared after.... we know she did this as a bit of attention and we are very careful what we mention to his ex. I think she probably does the same to us.

We do have a pretty good relationship with her but these health and hygiene issues will not go away. Is there a way she can be made to stop smoking in their room? for example?

I just feel like she almost needs to be embarressed into acting.... my husband is going to see their teachers tonight about the situation as they said that they can speak to her and let her know taht the childrens hygiene is making them a target.

In a way, I am hoping she does say that she will move in with the boyfirned and that they girls can come to live with us. I know this will really upset the girls but in the long run it will be for the best.

I was talking to my mum last night about how they have put her on a pedastal and she can do no wrong, she said that its because they have so little time with her that they just try ot see the good, for example in the summer holidays the only day out she took them on was a picnic in the back garden. We alwyas do something with them be it just going to the park to a 'day out' but this picnic was the best thing ever. Hand on heart, I find that really difficult but i have to accept that no child wants to see bad in their mum ......

I suppose in an ideale world the ex will wake up and start being a parent rather than a friend....

euronorris

clearingout wrote: »

and not every mum has to cope on their own, without a partner, with their children the rest of the time. It's very different being a single parent to being a parent in a relationship and the time off is well earned.

So then, surely, having most weekends as free time because of the current agreement is a good thing?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

cord123

Hey - I'm not going to quote everything I'm replying too (Im at work on lunch am typing as fast as i can before it finishes lol)

I read it that your husband took on extra work/changed shifts, you refused to have them so they was sent back home (Rather than them already being at home) which - in my eyes - is wrong. Like I said, If you had them permently then you wouldnt have this option. The world doesnt stop turning because someone is ill. Yes - you might not have felt well, you might have felt like you was on deaths door - but i suspect the outcome would be completely different if they was YOUR children (Aas in yours and your OH's)

The kids are there to spend time with their dad - granted - but they are also there to spend time with their family - WHICH INCLUDES YOU. Their dad shouldnt change his rota if he is scheduled to have the kids and if he really has to them ultimatley you are their step parent, there is no reason why you are not capable of looking after them and they shouldnt be automatically sent back to the ex if you dont want to have them for whatever reason - What if the ex had plans etc that were unchangeable? When my ex had DD I used those weekends to visit friends 300 miles away - I was always, always reachable in emergencies. This was "my" time - sounds selfish but the way we looked at it was this: I had DD Monday - Friday, He had her 2 days. those 2 days were my "break" from being "mum" and i could be "me" - When my ex stopped having DD it caused no end of arguements and hassle (my side!) - My OH wanted to go out etc and did so (Leaving me at home with DD) and i started resenting my ex (and partner!) for having his "life" when ultimatley I was unable to have mine. Ex now doesnt see DD (His choice, not mine) and I have to put up with his fiance bragging about how they have weekends alone now and get to do x y and z etc. Even silly things like having a lie in until 8am is a luxury to me now!

It's give and take with ex's and kids. The phrase "treat others as you wish to be treated" is a great motto to remember when dealing with an ex.

You can not stop the mother from smoking in her own house - regardless whether kids are there or not. Clothes will ALWAYS smell to you, if you dont smoke. We dont own a deep fat fryer and when DD sleeps at my mums it smells like my mums washed her clothes in fat - because I'm not used to the smell I pick up on it more. You dont know 100% the circumstances re: the smoke. The mother MIGHT be in the room, sat at the window, with the window open, blowing the smoke away from the children. You just dont know.

If your OH knows his shift pattern 2 months in advance then there is no real need for him to be at work when the kids are there - unless in dire emergencies at work - so the scenario of the kids having to be at their mothers because he was unable to have them should never have happened.

It needs to be structured and adhered to. If your OH is having the kids every weekend then that is what should happen - HEshould have the kids no matter what. Not only so all adults know where they stand - but the kids too.

euronorris

What happens then, if/when work changes the shift patterns? If he isn't able to comply, is he disciplined? Or does he lose the income for that day, which he would otherwise have earnt? And, if he does, and then cannot afford the CM, what then?

I think that Mimi has raised some very good points there, but I'm not sure that all of the implications have been considered.

cord123

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

cord123

Hey - I'm not going to quote everything I'm replying too (Im at work on lunch am typing as fast as i can before it finishes lol)

I read it that your husband took on extra work/changed shifts, you refused to have them so they was sent back home (Rather than them already being at home) which - in my eyes - is wrong. Like I said, If you had them permently then you wouldnt have this option. The world doesnt stop turning because someone is ill. Yes - you might not have felt well, you might have felt like you was on deaths door - but i suspect the outcome would be completely different if they was YOUR children (Aas in yours and your OH's)

The kids are there to spend time with their dad - granted - but they are also there to spend time with their family - WHICH INCLUDES YOU. Their dad shouldnt change his rota if he is scheduled to have the kids and if he really has to them ultimatley you are their step parent, there is no reason why you are not capable of looking after them and they shouldnt be automatically sent back to the ex if you dont want to have them for whatever reason - What if the ex had plans etc that were unchangeable? When my ex had DD I used those weekends to visit friends 300 miles away - I was always, always reachable in emergencies. This was "my" time - sounds selfish but the way we looked at it was this: I had DD Monday - Friday, He had her 2 days. those 2 days were my "break" from being "mum" and i could be "me" - When my ex stopped having DD it caused no end of arguements and hassle (my side!) - My OH wanted to go out etc and did so (Leaving me at home with DD) and i started resenting my ex (and partner!) for having his "life" when ultimatley I was unable to have mine. Ex now doesnt see DD (His choice, not mine) and I have to put up with his fiance bragging about how they have weekends alone now and get to do x y and z etc. Even silly things like having a lie in until 8am is a luxury to me now!

It's give and take with ex's and kids. The phrase "treat others as you wish to be treated" is a great motto to remember when dealing with an ex.

You can not stop the mother from smoking in her own house - regardless whether kids are there or not. Clothes will ALWAYS smell to you, if you dont smoke. We dont own a deep fat fryer and when DD sleeps at my mums it smells like my mums washed her clothes in fat - because I'm not used to the smell I pick up on it more. You dont know 100% the circumstances re: the smoke. The mother MIGHT be in the room, sat at the window, with the window open, blowing the smoke away from the children. You just dont know.

If your OH knows his shift pattern 2 months in advance then there is no real need for him to be at work when the kids are there - unless in dire emergencies at work - so the scenario of the kids having to be at their mothers because he was unable to have them should never have happened.

It needs to be structured and adhered to. If your OH is having the kids every weekend then that is what should happen - HEshould have the kids no matter what. Not only so all adults know where they stand - but the kids too.

I'm not quite sure where you have got yourinformation from.... we didnt have them when I was ill, I was due to have them the next day but i was ill and wouldnt be going to work so my husband asked if she would mind keeping them. she just kicked off before he had a chance to say his mum would step in - thats what infuriated us! I wasnt going to be working so wouldnt be picking my son up from my MIL as I usually would so would not be picking the girls up either.. that and why would the girls want to be sat round mine when i was sick? He didnt take on extra work or shifts he was always working!!! I have agreed that I will have them every tuesday night regardless of whether he is working or not beacsue this is when my MIL has all three of the children so I can pick them up and drop them off the next day.

I'm sorry I am very confused by what you are saying..... i have never once said that he has cancelled having them because his shifts have changed - in this instance I owuld always have them!
The whole problem is that she wants regular days ie. every tuesday (which we have agreed to ) and every Friday (for example) our argument is that if we did commit to this then the children wouldnt see as much as their dad whereas by what we are proposing we try and work it so that they see their dad as much as possible giving his ex as much notice as possible.

You seem to be agreeing with what I am saying but like I have said different! Our arguement is that we want the children when my husband is off (be it the friday or saturday) but we cant commit to a set day .........although we do commit to atleast one day a weekend.... so if he is working all weekend then I will have them!

I still stand by the fact that smoking in the childrens bedroom is wrong.....

cord123

euronorris wrote: »

What happens then, if/when work changes the shift patterns? If he isn't able to comply, is he disciplined? Or does he lose the income for that day, which he would otherwise have earnt? And, if he does, and then cannot afford the CM, what then?

I think that Mimi has raised some very good points there, but I'm not sure that all of the implications have been considered.

He will either take leave, for example, he was originally off xmas day and boxing day but they changed this to working a couple of weeks ago... luckily he has now managed to book it off but if this wasnt the case I would have still had them. He can take emergency carers leave but this would be unpaid if he doesnt have the holiday.

I dont know why this is being considered because the only time we have asked for the plans to be changed was when he was working and I was ill (where his mum had them anyway!) We never cancel if his shifts change (which is regularly) we will always let the ex know for example.... in a couple of weekends time he is working all weekend, I asked her what day she would prefer me have them as I have no plans.... or I might say, I have plans doing X on sunday can I have them friday....

I dont knwo why it has come up about his shift cahnges because they dont affect his ex at all!