Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

princessdreamer

Children are not there to pick and choose when you have them. I can see her responding to you going for access saying you can't even fullfil having them at regular contact times. It seems like you want to pick and choose when you play mummy to them.

cord123

princessdreamer wrote: »

Children are not there to pick and choose when you have them. I can see her responding to you going for access saying you can't even fullfil having them at regular contact times. It seems like you want to pick and choose when you play mummy to them.

Not at all! :mad:

We have them regularly!!!! Once a week and ATLEAST one night every weekend - I am not sure how much more regular you can get!? Also, the majority of half terms etc.
What I am saying is..... sigh....... that we could agree to every Friday night for example but what would be the point when in that set of shifts for the month my husband is off say 3 saturday nights and only 1 friday night!? Surely it makes more sense to have them on the night he is off.......?? Given that we have his shifts a few months in advance? If they change we would tell his ex, if she wants it kept the same then fine, i have them, if she doesnt mind swapping the day so he can see them even better!

Perhaps its just me that see's that as sense.....

mummyroysof3

i see it makes sense too...sounds like you 2 are trying to do your best and its not good enough. you would think their mum would rather them come visit you when dad is home wouldnt you? you give her plenty of notice and its not like she has something she has to do on a particular night for them to need to be at yours so i cant understand why she cant be a little bit flexable tbh

and i would never send my children to stay at someones house who was ill unless i had no other choice..that seems daft to me

Imelda

sorry, I haven't read the entire thread but from what I can tell the jist is your husband works shifts and so doesn't want to say he will have his daughters, for example, every Friday as it may be the case that he is working?

Could you not compromise and say you will have them every other weekend (Fri- Sun) PLUS one day on the alternate weekend to be arranged on an adhoc basis?

That way their mum knows which weekends she is free and can plan her life accordingly?

fannyanna

cord123 wrote: »

Perhaps its just me that see's that as sense.....

No I also see the logic.

Of course you would be able to set and stick to an agreed schedule if your OH worked regular and consistent hours.

But on the basis that he doesn't (and presumably didn't when he was with the ex) I think it's logical to try and agree a schedule based on his shifts. Especially if he is able to provide advanced notice of what his shifts are going to be.

I don't think you can really ever set a visitation schedule in stone. Life gets in the way for both sides. In our circumstances we will sometimes need to change the weekend we have my Husbands daughter. Sometimes his ex will change the weekends. We're all able to act like grown ups and agree a suitable alternative.

To me it sounds like that is what OP and her OH are trying to do - albeit on a more regular basis because of the shift work.

The alternative of course is that the OP's OH gets a new job working 9-5. This could mean that he earns less and would therefore have to reduce the amount of child support paid. I wonder if the ex would be happy with that or whether she would then prefer that they work visitation around his shifts.

cord123

Imelda wrote: »

sorry, I haven't read the entire thread but from what I can tell the jist is your husband works shifts and so doesn't want to say he will have his daughters, for example, every Friday as it may be the case that he is working?

Could you not compromise and say you will have them every other weekend (Fri- Sun) PLUS one day on the alternate weekend to be arranged on an adhoc basis?

That way their mum knows which weekends she is free and can plan her life accordingly?

we could do that yes, but she can plan her life accordingly already ie. she knows around 2 -3 months in advance what he is working and if she ever has plans and asks us to have them on a certain date we would.

cord123

fannyanna wrote: »

No I also see the logic.

Of course you would be able to set and stick to an agreed schedule if your OH worked regular and consistent hours.

But on the basis that he doesn't (and presumably didn't when he was with the ex) I think it's logical to try and agree a schedule based on his shifts. Especially if he is able to provide advanced notice of what his shifts are going to be.

I don't think you can really ever set a visitation schedule in stone. Life gets in the way for both sides. In our circumstances we will sometimes need to change the weekend we have my Husbands daughter. Sometimes his ex will change the weekends. We're all able to act like grown ups and agree a suitable alternative.

To me it sounds like that is what OP and her OH are trying to do - albeit on a more regular basis because of the shift work.

The alternative of course is that the OP's OH gets a new job working 9-5. This could mean that he earns less and would therefore have to reduce the amount of child support paid. I wonder if the ex would be happy with that or whether she would then prefer that they work visitation around his shifts.

This is what our problem is. He was doing this job when he was with her... I culd understand her issue if he had changed to this job after that but he didnt. He could change jobs ( well if he could find one) but he certianly wouldnt get the wage he gets now so she and the children would be affected.

He ahs always wanted to do right by her. For example when they were together he bought a brand new car, when they broke up he gave the car to her and carried paying for it and he bought a 'banger' just so the kids werent driven around in a rubbish car. He walked away with nothing from the house and took on their joint credit card debt. (he still paid her cm )

I am by no means saying that he is the perfect father/partner but has always said to his ex that he will look aout for her (even to the point that we shared xmas day at his mums for the first 2 years of mine and my husbands relationship!) Many thought this was weird (including me) and I cant say that I was entirely comfortable with this but it was good for the kids so went along with it.

Now her life has moved on with a new boyfriend, which initially my husband was pleased with, it seems that her priorties have changed. She has always been a lot more lax in the hygiene department, and diet and manners but their relationship was such that a quick word was enough... now he gets threatened with a solicitor if he dared bring up their next dental appointment! grrrrr

peachyprice

princessdreamer wrote: »

Children are not there to pick and choose when you have them. I can see her responding to you going for access saying you can't even fullfil having them at regular contact times. It seems like you want to pick and choose when you play mummy to them.

Erm no, they're trying to arrange access so they actually get to spend time with their dad, not just OP. How is that wrong?

If it were the father here saying they had set access times but he's usually working so the children have to spend time with his new partner so he rarely sees them that would be wrong too, he would get flamed for not wanting to spend time with his own children.

I'm amazed how some very bitter people are twisting things to make it seem like OP doesn't want the children. Strange.

princessdreamer

The whole thing is strange the OP seems to both want the children full time and not want them when her husband is working. The mother stands very little chance of losing residency and will use the OPs words against her, life is like that. Throw in the money issue and bang the whole thing goes tits up.

Marisco

I really don't know why Cord is getting a hard time from some here!!! Those who say revolve your work around the kids are talking a load of cobblers!! She has said her oh is a cop, by it's very nature the job can be unpredictable. Can you imagine what his senior officer would have said if he was called in during the riots, and he turned round and said, "sorry sir, no can do, it's my Friday/Sat to have the kids"???

He had the job when he was with the ex, so she should know full well what's it's like! As for changing jobs, get real people, it's a well paid, steady job with a bloody good pension at the end. How many would change a job like that just to accommodate an ex?

Cord, personally I think you are being more than fair, and I think a solicitor/judge would laugh her out of court, if she starts moaning that she wants it set in stone, even though he might be working!!!