Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

fannyanna

cord123 wrote: »

I dont want to come across as the bitter stepmum cause I am not.

I don't think you come across as bitter at all.

To me you sound like someone who really does care about their step children.

But you are a stepmum so be prepared to get slated (althoguh I'm sure you already know that it comes with the territory).

cord123

fannyanna wrote: »

I don't think you come across as bitter at all.

To me you sound like someone who really does care about their step children.

But you are a stepmum so be prepared to get slated (althoguh I'm sure you already know that it comes with the territory).

hahaha! I just have to learn to accept that!

princessdreamer

I'd rather have a step mother who cared for my children than the step witch they have got. Trust me if I thought you were being bitter I would be more than happy to tell you.

make_me_wise

The mother sounds neglectful to me. To let a childs teeth get to the stage where they are taken out is awful. Thats not just down to poor dental hygiene but almost certainly a poor diet. Are they with a mother who sees fit to feed them a pot noodle or whatever goes in a microwave?

Who in their right minds doesn't sort out a childs nits? The poor kid must feel horrendous.

To not have a proper bed to sleep in and to be subjected to cigarette smoke when you are asthmatic must be horrible.

I'd not be worrying about being around to see them on visits in case my shifts didn't match up if these were my kids. Id be fighting for residency.

clearingout

the problem is, unless there is clear evidence of neglect in teachers/GPs/Social Services/CAFCASS eyes, you are not going to get a change of residence.

I am particularly sensitive to step mothers posting about exs who are dreadful mothers (because I know that can't be the case for all of us!) and I particularly can't stand the fact that many exs were decent enough parents when with a person but suddenly seem to be inadequate post-separation. But that said, the teeth thing really stands out here - you have to go some (or not) to get seriously decayed teeth at that age.

I will moot something different with you. Mum has a full-time, demanding job on a shift rota if I'm understanding correctly? She's probably not on the best of wages? She's got to juggle two children with all of that and now a boyfriend who doesn't appear to want to accept she has children? Is it simply a case of a single mum who isn't coping as well as she perhaps could? For example, I am single mum to three - my children have to fend for themselves more than they did when I had a husband by my side. They are told to clean their teeth - I don't supervise as much as I perhaps should (and certainly did in the past). To counter-act poor teeth cleaning, I do take note of toothbrush position when using the loo in the morning and then when I come in behind the children later, I do check toothbrushes have moved. If they haven't (which used to be frequently - they have learnt now it's not worth it), there is merry hell! But I can see how a busy mum with a lot on her mind might just tell the children to clean their teeth and assume it's been done.....The reading thing, yeah, well, I've signed on occasion when I haven't actually read the book (oops!) and I have a struggling child. However, I do read with him at least 5 out of 7 but if I thought signing when I hadn't read the same flippin' book we'd already read 3 times that week would mean there was a change of book then I'll sign! So shoot me!

Sometimes there are alternative explanations other than 'bad mother'. I'm not the best mother and I hold my hands up to that. But I do my best and some days, perhaps, it isn't good enough. I was a better mother when I wasn't a single mother because I had support and an adult to talk through child-related decisions with, because there were two wages coming into the household and because I had someone to share all of life's carp with.....Perhaps being sensitive to that and offering some alternatives to the mother which work alongside her rather than fight her would be in the best interests of the children which I am sure she loves and wants the best for?

cte1111

I can see why you want the contact visits to remain flexible, however I can also appreciate the other parent's frustration and wish to have a definite timetable.

From the Mum's POV: she may want to get a new job, which would mean knowing exactly when and if the children will be with you. Or yes, she may want to be able to go out regularly, but why shouldn't she? At the minute, in terms of contact with the children, your OH is having his cake and eating it.

I would start from the presumption that the best thing for everyone involved is regular scheduled contact with both parents. If your OH had been left on his own with the kids, then he would have had to change his working conditions to accommodate that. Why can't he do that now? As a parent of a child under 8, he has a right to apply for part time / flexible working. I suggest he looks into his job's procedures for doing so and start the process. Then you will all know where you stand.

I would have been absolutely furious too if my ex (as he has done in the past) cancelled a visit because his girlfriend was ill.

It can be very hard living as a single parent. I'm glad that you have a supportive partner but your partner's ex evidently does not.

Confession time - my DD does not always have her hair brushed every morning!!!!!!! Shock horror, but my childhood memories are of my sister sobbing when her curly hair was brushed within an inch of its life every morning so some days I haven't got the energy to put us all through it. And now and then she goes in to school with dirty clothes, if she has decided to play with the rabbit whilst I am getting her brother ready in the morning and we don't have time to get changed (or I haven't noticed until we are already there). And even worse, my DD had head lice last month!!!!!!!! Oh no, my children must be taken away!

Seriously though, children at 5 and 8 are often harder in many ways (but easier in others) than a 1 year old. Sometimes their own will and independence means they're not as spick and span as we would like. But head lice are unfortunately an occasional fact of life for primary school children, yucky though that thought is.

Perhaps the kids don't have a perfect home life with their Mum, but stability is important to young children too and knowing where they will be each day is a bare minimum for them to feel stable. Currently your OH is preventing this.

Buttonmoons

Why would people be furious if their ex cancelled cause their partner was poorly? I can understand if they are just the 2 of them, but the OP and the ex have a child together, is it fair to leave your sick partner with a 2 year old? Is it fair to bring 2 children over to a house that has sick people in it? I wouldnt be sending my daughter to her Dad's house if he/anyone in it, was poorly, it's just consideration.

Also OP said the kids constantly have nits, my daughter has long thick dark hair, she's had nits twice, in the past 6 months, but, her hair gets checked everyweek, plaited before school and sprayed with vosene stinky headline repellent, if you sit down and do your kids hair, you get them clear and take precautions where you can (not leaving hair down/checking regularly etc) to avoid getting them, from what OP says, the kids aint never clear of them and if the mother isnt brushing their hair, how does she know?

There is no excuse for leaving your child with a mouthful of rotten teeth, so bad that her breath stinks and she gets bullied for it, nor is there any excuse not to get your childs eye checked out as they have developed a squint. Its just neglect!

OP has said also that the mother works regular shifts in a private place, and doesnt work weekends from what I see, so it has no impact on her weekends.

Everybody wants time to themselves, and a break, but sounds like this mother doesn't really do much with her kids like brush their hair, wash their clothes or help them brush their teeth (or feed them properly) so if OP cant have the children because she is poorly, then thats just how it goes.

make_me_wise

Buttonmoons wrote: »

Why would people be furious if their ex cancelled cause their partner was poorly? I can understand if they are just the 2 of them, but the OP and the ex have a child together, is it fair to leave your sick partner with a 2 year old? Is it fair to bring 2 children over to a house that has sick people in it? I wouldnt be sending my daughter to her Dad's house if he/anyone in it, was poorly, it's just consideration.

Exactly this. I do get the impression that no matter what the OP and her husband do they cant win. I reckon the girls mum would be on to them if they had taken the girls when the OP was ill and they had caught something.

Threatening to involve solicitors as and when she doesn't get her own way is a horrible way for the girls mum to carry on. It wreaks of someone who is an emotional bully to me.

clearingout

wanting regular contact time so you can organize your life is not bullying....

VfM4meplse

make_me_wise wrote: »

The mother sounds neglectful to me. To let a childs teeth get to the stage where they are taken out is awful. Thats not just down to poor dental hygiene but almost certainly a poor diet. Are they with a mother who sees fit to feed them a pot noodle or whatever goes in a microwave?

Who in their right minds doesn't sort out a childs nits? The poor kid must feel horrendous.

To not have a proper bed to sleep in and to be subjected to cigarette smoke when you are asthmatic must be horrible.

I'd not be worrying about being around to see them on visits in case my shifts didn't match up if these were my kids. Id be fighting for residency.

It would seem so but remember there are two sides to every story.