Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

GobbledyGook

The fact that the girls wouldn't want you to go for residency isn't a reason not too.

When I was a child I was horrified that my Grandparents went for (and won) custody of my brother and I. Life with no rules is normal when it's what you live with. It took months before we realised that being belted or battered when you stepped out of line wasn't actually normal or ok.

Children may get a say when they are old enough, but children don't always know what is best for them. That is what they rely on adults for.

lizzielondon

princessdreamer wrote: »

Courts will go for set access as it is deemed in the childs best interests. As for being ill, when I am ill I have my children as I have them 24/7, there are times when I have had to literally crawl on hands and knees to look after toddler as I could not physically stand up. Had to order take out for tea as no way I could cook. it is rare but it happens.
As for smoking guilty a couple on a morning, then while DD is at nursery and a couple on a night, the DR says ex causes too much stress to consider stopping.
However my children are well fed and their health needs are met, these are the only concerns I picked up as being valid in your post.

your doctor said you shouldn't consider stopping smoking because your ex causes you too much stress???

princessdreamer

lizzielondon wrote: »

your doctor said you shouldn't consider stopping smoking because your ex causes you too much stress???

You havn't met my ex:D No seriously the stress he deemed to be too much to pile more on top. We are talking about a seriously messed up individual on constant attack and shaking with fear, when I hear from him. Of course the Dr thinks stopping at some point is a good idea but not at this point.

FatVonD

OP, if the ex is keen to get rid of the kids every weekend (whether he's there or not) why not go along with it and agree to have them whenever she wants on the proviso that it is as well as, and not instead of, when he's not working?

surreybased

What do the schools say about the children's progress? Do they have any concerns?

Guess you only a few choices,
1. let the ex involve solicitors and wait for CAFCASS to get involved and then raise your concerns.
2. Ask for mediation with the ex and see if your dh can get the ex to agree to parenting rules..agree breakfast, teeth brushing etc, who takes the children to GP/Dr's etc. Why not ask for shared care so that the days are always defined. i.e go for 3 or 4 days a week.
3. go to court to request acceptance of the flexible contact - best to seek advice first as not sure how successful this will be but a solicitor could advise (or use sites such as FNF's)

It is likely that the children will recognise the different parenting approaches when they are older. Doesn't mean they will appreciate your input but all you can do us try to help them understand that there are different ways to live your life.

My friend is in a similar situation and the ex is a very selfish parent however only cases where there is extreme neglect are looked into by social services. If the school raise no concerns and there is an active other parent then it isn't seen as a priority.

cord123

The school have said that the eldest has turned up at school with dirty uniform, clearly not having brushed teeth etc. Academically she is doing well but they have commented that her manners leave a lot to be desired and she is always looking for praise which leads to her telling on others and constantly correcting others. Although I cant say this is down to their mum, I feel that because she takes no interest in them and their schooling ie. school trips, school assemblies etc she looks for praise elsewhere.
The younger one is very behind. The teacher says that she has to read every night but she has told us mummy says there isnt time so just writes in her book she has read when she hasnt.

I completely understand that what she gets up to is nothing to do with us and I agree that the girls are the main priority but their mum doesnt seem to. For example, we took them on our honeymoon with us, she called us a mug and hasnt ever taken them away. She can do what she likes when we have them but she has to realise that we have them when it is best for the girls.

What ai am trying to say is..... if my OH is not working every friday for nov we will have them every fri but then in dec if he has every saturday off we will have them evert saturday. Surely this is in the best ineterets of the children becasue they will see their dad rather than having them every friday so his ex can go out and the girls sit with me while their dad works.....

cord123

I dont want to come across as the bitter stepmum cause I am not. But since I have had my son I realise how much these kids are missing out and how different their upbringings will be. It is evident now that my son is better behaved down to brushing his teeth straight after breakfast etc and he very rarely has to be reminded of his manners. I take great pride in all three of the kids but I feel that the girls are being judged by people because of their appearance... and that we are judged as well.

I would like this settled as quickly and without any unnecessary disruption but I dont think she sees all this tsuff as i,mportant. I worry that they will have the same upbringing as her eldest daughter. Since I have been with my husband she has had severel different 'bpyfriends' stay round, this from the age of 15 and I dont want it for the girls. She even told me that her eldest was once suspended from school for bunking and she told my OH it was teacher training so she didnt get told off by him!
She just wants to be their friend rather than a mum.

Don get me wrong, I am not perfect and have made mistakes but I do think they will be better off with us.

cord123

FatVonD wrote: »

OP, if the ex is keen to get rid of the kids every weekend (whether he's there or not) why not go along with it and agree to have them whenever she wants on the proviso that it is as well as, and not instead of, when he's not working?

I completely see what you are saying but then it comes to the fact that she is getting all this money for tax credits, benefits etc and she doesnt ever have them. Two days a week they are at my MIL who gives them breakfast, their packed lunch and dinner so it is only mon and thursday and friday breaky she has them.......
I just think that she wants her cake and eat it. We are struggling to pay bills and I am desperate for another baby but we are waiting becasue we cant afford it and another baby will seriously rock the boat at the moment.

Such a frustarting situation! xx

Bennifred

cord123 wrote: »

I completely see what you are saying but then it comes to the fact that she is getting all this money for tax credits, benefits etc and she doesnt ever have them. Two days a week they are at my MIL who gives them breakfast, their packed lunch and dinner so it is only mon and thursday and friday breaky she has them.......
I just think that she wants her cake and eat it. We are struggling to pay bills and I am desperate for another baby but we are waiting becasue we cant afford it and another baby will seriously rock the boat at the moment.

Such a frustarting situation! xx

I don't think that the "ex is getting all the money to look after them" argument should play any part in the decision about what is best for the girls, no matter how much it grates. From what you say, those poor girls would be much better off living mainly with you, and sooner rather than later before too much damage is done!
Good luck.

cord123

Bennifred wrote: »

I don't think that the "ex is getting all the money to look after them" argument should play any part in the decision about what is best for the girls, no matter how much it grates. From what you say, those poor girls would be much better off living mainly with you, and sooner rather than later before too much damage is done!
Good luck.

I understand that but what I mean is we simply could not afford to have them full time and have all the costs of petrol etc to get them to and from school if we had them full time.

My OH has just rung the doctors to chase his daughters hospital referall and she didnt hand the letter in.....