Fustrated step mum - had enough of it all!

Marisco

I cannot understand why some are having a go at the op for not having the kids when she was ill!! I wouldn't have had them either, her husband was working and she has a child of her own. The girls did have an alternative, their own mother, you don't have a choice when it's your own.

Buttonmoons

Yeah but the mother in question knows the OP's partner works shifts on a rota, so is it fair that the OP has the step children all the time when her partner is working? Rather than the children getting to see their father by changing a day here and there?

If the mother doesn't work at weekends, then the odd day change here and there (and OP has said they can work it out in advance, January she said?) then I don't see the problem. It's a case of give and take, and it doesn't seem like the mother does much giving to be honest!

My ex changes weekends, not regularly or anything but things crop up, and oppurtunities arise, and that is totally fine with me (like a gig he wanted to go too etc) he's currenetly doing overtime every Saturday until 4pm, and he is "supposed" to have our daughter every 2nd Fri & Sat, but it's not a big deal to me, and he just usually takes her most Saturday nights now, when you split up, there has to be an element of compromise, nothing can be rigid ALL the time.

surreybased

The mum works part time and she is given advance notification of the rota so there is regular contact time. She also has "down time" but this seems to be about her attitude to parenting, rather than ability. Some mums can be terrible parents...fact, if you look on parenting sites you will often hear of grown men/women discussing their toxic and neglectful mums. Those adults wish that someone had got involved to help them.

My dh had an awful mum - neglectful, selfish and bullying, his father did nothing and now his dad is ashamed of his inaction. The children get one chance at childhood. I would encourage the OP to talk to someone - maybe parentline or nspcc, they will help the OP to understand if the dad should take further steps.

What if the children ask when they are older - Why didn't you do something? What would be your DH's answer?

cte1111

Marisco wrote: »

I cannot understand why some are having a go at the op for not having the kids when she was ill!! I wouldn't have had them either, her husband was working and she has a child of her own. The girls did have an alternative, their own mother, you don't have a choice when it's your own.

I'm not having a go at the OP for not having the kids, I'm criticising the father for not having his kids on a regular basis, instead making everyone (including the OP) fit around his work pattern.

All the adults and children in the situation deserve consideration. Who do you think looks after the kids when the Mum is ill?

clearingout

VfM4meplse wrote: »

It would seem so but remember there are two sides to every story.

This is so true. My eldest shouted to me this weekend that the youngest had done a poo (still in nappies). 3 minutes later, he shouted at me again that 'I told you hours ago, he's done a poo. It stinks!'.

How easy would it be for him to say to innocently his dad 'mum left youngest in a dirty, stinking nappy for hours' and for dad to judge me as a 'bad mother'?

Marisco

cte1111 wrote: »

I'm not having a go at the OP for not having the kids, I'm criticising the father for not having his kids on a regular basis, instead making everyone (including the OP) fit around his work pattern.

All the adults and children in the situation deserve consideration. Who do you think looks after the kids when the Mum is ill?

Of course it's got to fit around his shifts!! What's the point in him having the kids if he's in work! It sounds (and I might have misunderstood/read here!) as if the ex wants him to have them on Friday regardless whether he's working or not. However, if the OP has his shifts until January, I cannot see why something can't be worked out. If one of his shifts changes for some reason, or he does overtime, then the ex will just have to accept that these things can happen.

As for who looks after kids if mum is ill, then she does it unless she can get someone else to do it. But it wasn't the mother that was ill, it was the OP, who is not the mother! It's bad enough being ill and looking after kids, I'm sure we've all done it, why add to the misery by having extra kids? It's not as if there wasn't an alternative, their own mother!

clearingout

of course, it can be argued that if a step parent takes on the parent, they also take on the children. If contact is agreed, it should take place. Both parents should have contingencies in place to deal with the unexpected. One of the things that drives me nuts about my ex is that contact is about him, when he can be bothered, when it suits him, when it works for him. If he has something on, he doesn't ask his girlfriend to look after them, he sends them back to me. He does that at short notice without asking whether or not it messes with my plans.

Regular contact allows for both parents to make plans both for their time with the children, and their time without. Baring the unforseen emergency, it isn't too much to expect to be able to book a ticket to the cinema, say, and expect to be able to go. I have lost count of the amount of times that I haven't been able to do something planned and paid for in advance 'cos my ex considers his plans more important than mine. This kind of attitude causes problems between parents and ultimately has an impact on the children. If the step-parent won't look after a child because their partner is at work, what on earth is the point in being in a relationship with that person? Or is it the case that step parents only take on the good stuff and are allowed to ignore the bad? What if a step parent living with the PWC decided they're not going to look after their step children - we then get comments, as in the start of this thread, about 'the boyfriend doesn't want the children', don't we? Why is it not OK for the boyfriend to not want the children around but it is OK for the step mum not to want the children around?

fannyanna

clearingout wrote: »

of course, it can be argued that if a step parent takes on the parent, they also take on the children.

I'm not suggesting this is applicable in your situation but the argument on the level of step parents involvement often changes to suit the PWC.

"It's got nothing to do with her/him - they should keep their nose out".

"If they marry someone with children then they have to accept that they have responsibilities to the children."

You often find you're in a lose, lose situation as a step parent!

clearingout

fannyanna wrote: »

I'm not suggesting this is applicable in your situation but the argument on the level of step parents involvement often changes to suit the PWC.

"It's got nothing to do with her/him - they should keep their nose out".

"If they marry someone with children then they have to accept that they have responsibilities to the children."

You often find you're in a lose, lose situation as a step parent!

I think it's lose/lose for step parents, PWC and NRPs, depending on who's posting and how they're feeling!

clearingout

Hmmm....thinking head on!

Step parents are in a difficult situation, I agree. Major parenting decisions are the responsibility of the parents and this is where I personally feel step parents need to keep their noses out. It's our choice where the children go to school, it's our choice how they are disciplined, it's our choice at what age they're allowed a mobile phone, ipod, to watch an 18 film etc. It's not for you to influence these decisions but if, for example, I am happy for my child at 15 to watch a particular 18 film but you don't want your 15 year old to watch it, I would be more than happy for you to not allow it under your roof. At the same time, I don't expect my 15 year old to come back with 'Step mum says you're an irresponsible parent for letting me watch that' and I won't say 'your step mum is a miserable moo for not letting you watch it'.

I expect a step parent to take on a parenting role with my children, and I expect that you treat them in the same way you would treat your own. I expect you to pick them up from swimming or supervise homework if they are in your care (your - ex + step parent) and I don't expect to have to see them when they are scheduled to have contact with you. I do expect to be kept up to date with anything important/significant that might have happened whilst in your care and I expect you to let me know well in advance if there's something coming up which might require a change in contact arrangements (or at least as soon as you know about the change). If I have young children or children who are ill/disabled, I expect to be told of illness in your household and to be given a choice as to whether the children attend on that basis - I expect you to have contingencies in place for childcare to deal with your own illness, not to expect me to 'babysit' because you're unwell. However, I would usually 'babysit' rather than risk the children getting ill themselves or indeed, I would like to think I would be sympathetic and flexible on the understanding that on the day I was ill, you were also flexible and understanding.

I don't expect us to be friends or to even like each other. But I do expect you to respect me, my decisions and my parenting style without being rude about me in front of my children and my ex partner. He may today say he thinks it's wrong to let at 15 year old watch an 18 movie but I can assure you when he was with me, it didn't bother him one little bit!