Daughters dont get on- Spoiling Christmas

oldtractor

When I fell out with my sister I pretended we'd made up to please my terminally ill father. We still behave like adults when we had to make decisions regarding his care but other than that we had no contact. Just tell the daughters yuo are going away and cant do with all the stress they are reating. Honesty is the best policy,boo a coupe of nights away and tell them how you feel about the situation.

POPPYOSCAR

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Doesn't necessarily work.Didn't with my DH/SIL.
Personally I think things like that shouldn't necessarily be expected to make a difference.Why should a parent being ill suddenly make you think "oh actually brother/sister I know you did x/y/z but let's be friends again after 11 years of not talking"?
I take real issue with posters assuming the OPs daughters are childish/spoilt/idiots etc.How can you judge a situation like that when you have no idea what they fell out over?
BUT yes they do need to compromise with the OP and sort out separate arrangements to visit.

No it does not always make a difference but it does sometimes.

My brother said he would never speak to my other brother again however we had a big shock last week when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor.My brother went to see him the night before the op, so it can make a hugh difference.

Bumpmakesfour

poet123 wrote: »

Because most parents when they are terminally ill (let's be blunt here)would like to think that they are going to leave behind a family, with siblings who care about each other, who will be there for each other, who can, when times are bleak, put aside differences (which are often fuelled by their own spouses)and let their parent die content.

Even if it doesn't last I do feel at that kind of time a real effort should be made. As a parent wouldn't you want that?

I wouldn't want my children to pretend no.Sorry but I wouldn't

POPPYOSCAR

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think it's important to know what the argument is about before saying they are being childish / spoilt, etc. I don't mean the OP has to tell us, I mean we can't make that judgment unless we know.

What if one had a child by the other's husband? Or was sent to prison for sexually abusing someone? Or something else really traumatic?

Surely the mother would know? She said they had an argument and had not spoken since.

POPPYOSCAR

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

I wouldn't want my children to pretend no.Sorry but I wouldn't

I respect your point of view.

elvis86

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

I wouldn't want my children to pretend no.Sorry but I wouldn't

I would be interested to see how you felt if your three kids turned against your bump in 20 years time. Would you be as quick to accept and accomodate their feud?

Or worse still, if each of your 4 kids fell out and refused to speak to any of their siblings, then decided to move away to 4 different places around the country. I suppose you would merrily bend over backwards to coordinate visits from/to 4 sets of grandchildren at Christmas etc?

I know I'm hypothesising an unlikely situation, but I can't help but feel that it's very easy for someone involved in a sibling feud to justify it and reason that they are making it very easy on the parents. But really, it must be absolutely heartbreaking for a parent to see their children become estranged.

Whilst I'm sure that in a few cases, estrangement is unavoidable and justified (although, in the extreme cases I'm imagining, it would be the whole family disowning a sibling, and parents that didn't would risk their relationship with their other children - eg parents that stuck by a sibling that raped a niece/nephew), I can't help but think that compromises could be made in order to make the parents happy.

pinkshoes

Life is too short to fall out with someone, particularly a sibling.

Tell them you brought them up to believe in love, honesty and forgiveness, not bitter resentment, and if they can't be civil to each other for just ONE day, and put their differences behind them, then you don't want to see either of them for Christmas.

Bumpmakesfour

elvis86 wrote: »

I would be interested to see how you felt if your three kids turned against your bump in 20 years time. Would you be as quick to accept and accomodate their feud?

Or worse still, if each of your 4 kids fell out and refused to speak to any of their siblings, then decided to move away to 4 different places around the country. I suppose you would merrily bend over backwards to coordinate visits from/to 4 sets of grandchildren at Christmas etc?

I know I'm hypothesising an unlikely situation, but I can't help but feel that it's very easy for someone involved in a sibling feud to justify it and reason that they are making it very easy on the parents. But really, it must be absolutely heartbreaking for a parent to see their children become estranged.

Whilst I'm sure that in a few cases, estrangement is unavoidable and justified (although, in the extreme cases I'm imagining, it would be the whole family disowning a sibling, and parents that didn't would risk their relationship with their other children - eg parents that stuck by a sibling that raped a niece/nephew), I can't help but think that compromises could be made in order to make the parents happy.

Totally agree and tbh yes it would be very very upsetting.Thing is though it's pretty unrealistic to expect people to get along simply because they are related but I didn't mean to portray it as an "easy" situation" by any means.
I know it upsets DHs parents but there's no going back so all we can do is try to minimise the impact it has on everyone.That's just how things are for us I'm afraid.

Bumpmakesfour

pinkshoes wrote: »

Life is too short to fall out with someone, particularly a sibling.

Tell them you brought them up to believe in love, honesty and forgiveness, not bitter resentment, and if they can't be civil to each other for just ONE day, and put their differences behind them, then you don't want to see either of them for Christmas.

You know this whole "life is too short" thing?I never really got it tbh.
If we lived by that motto that would mean a sibling could treat you awfully but you'd have to forgive them..because..well..life's too short right?
Nope,doesn't work like that,for us anyway.Surely "life is too short" to put up with being treated like carp or have your family put in danger?It must work both ways?

FATBALLZ

Maybe they suspect you are trying to set them up for a reunion and make up? Sounds likely as you appear to have told them you are desperate for them to patch things up.

Would certainly put me off visiting my parents, I haven't spent xmas there since I was 17 as I have two siblings who are disgusting scumbags and I wouldn't !!!! on them if they were on fire. There is no way I'd ever 'patch things up' with them, and anyone who pressured me to do so would be cut out of my life too. 'Family' is a stupid reason to try to get on with people you don't like, with the exception maybe of your own children.