Daughters dont get on- Spoiling Christmas

devildog

poet123-Most parents yes, mine no(although not terminally ill) all she is concerned about is that golden child is looked out for, she doesn't give two hoots about anyone else as "I know you will cope"

OP's daughters are adults and for whatever the reason do not wish to even be slightly close or compromise about visits etc. Don't get stuck in the middle and don't play the cancer card either. I am not belittling what you have had/gone through but please do not play the 'I have been ill' so you have to get on!. You have a 'open' house to both of them! As for the 'What should I do', do nothing. they have control of their lives and you should let them be. Sorry but that is how I see it.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Absolutely agree with this post. Life indeed is too short for all this cR£p.

Sometimes, life's too short to waste time and energy on people you don't care for and you don't like being with just because you happen to share a few strands of DNA.

neverdespairgirl

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

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Surely the mother would know? She said they had an argument and had not spoken since.

Yes, but we don't know what it was about.

FatVonD

If the daughters both know that being in the same room will cause an atmosphere or that unresolved arguments will flare again perhaps, rather than being childish, they are actually being adult in removing themselves from the situation?

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

[/B]

Surely the mother would know? She said they had an argument and had not spoken since.

she may do, and she may think she does but doesn't really.

I can certainly say from my PoV that knowing some of what my sister had said to my husband and about Mother would break her heart and so I'd sooner my mother never knows and thinks we are being childish over something silly. I love my sister very much, but her mental health issues and cutting tongue and other things mean I love her more easily with distance between us. Recently she has been having treatment for cancer and I made sure she knew (by letter) I loved her and am thinking of her all the time and will help in any ways she needs and I have provided practical help, but I also have to, long term, maintain a distance for keeping my life on an even keel.

euronorris

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Seriously?Sure that would be a LOVELY christmas sat with two daughters who cannot stand each other,strained silence etc.."for the sake of their mother"..

Oh crikey. If I can be civil with ex friends, and an awful ex boyfriend (including general chit chat), for the sake of another mutual friend's Birthday, I don't see why these two sisters can't do it for their Mum for Xmas.

And, to be clear, one of those ex friend's said some truly unforgiveable and extremely hurtful things after I miscarried years ago. I'll never forgive her for those comments, but I am civil with her, because her cousin is one my closest and dearest friends. I couldn't go on ignoring or avoiding her if I wanted to continue the other friendship. Nor could I continue to hold onto all that anger. It's exhausting!

red_devil

well im going to be different and say if the daughters arent speaking and dont want to be in the same room then respect it. You can still see your daughters just not together.

my mum dosent see all her children at the same time she just accepts it.

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

Oh crikey. If I can be civil with ex friends, and an awful ex boyfriend (including general chit chat), for the sake of another mutual friend's Birthday, I don't see why these two sisters can't do it for their Mum for Xmas.

And, to be clear, one of those ex friend's said some truly unforgiveable and extremely hurtful things after I miscarried years ago. I'll never forgive her for those comments, but I am civil with her, because her cousin is one my closest and dearest friends. I couldn't go on ignoring or avoiding her if I wanted to continue the other friendship. Nor could I continue to hold onto all that anger. It's exhausting!

While I agree with you, and commend you, suppose what that ex friend said wasn't in the past, it was continual and pointed every time you saw her? I forgive very readily, and one terribly hurtful comment would be something I could get past, (after all, I am tactless enough at times) but I don't keep putting myself in (physical or serious emotional) harm's way over and over.

Mojisola

reneetoby wrote: »

This year the youngest girl plans to come for Chrismas, first time in a few years but older girl is coming for Christmas eve only. Both now saying they wont come if the other is coming and its all getting heated and Im stuck in the middle getting more and more upset. I asked the youngest if she would travel Christmas Eve and arrive after her sister leaves around 4 o'clock but she she just wont.

FatVonD wrote: »

If the daughters both know that being in the same room will cause an atmosphere or that unresolved arguments will flare again perhaps, rather than being childish, they are actually being adult in removing themselves from the situation?

red_devil wrote: »

well im going to be different and say if the daughters arent speaking and dont want to be in the same room then respect it. You can still see your daughters just not together.

Although renee would like her daughters to get on with each other, all she's asking this Christmas is that they arrange their visits separately.

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

While I agree with you, and commend you, suppose what that ex friend said wasn't in the past, it was continual and pointed every time you saw her? I forgive very readily, and one terribly hurtful comment would be something I could get past, (after all, I am tactless enough at times) but I don't keep putting myself in (physical or serious emotional) harm's way over and over.

I wish I could say it was just the one comment, but it isn't, and it continues to this day. The comments are less obvious these days, but they are still there.

However, they no longer hurt or upset me, because I don't allow them to. I used to, and was hurt badly by her on more than one occasion, but now I couldn't give a monkeys what she thinks of me or my life choices, so her comments carry no weight with me. Plus, everytime she makes a comment and I don't respond, it is her cousin who gets upset with her and is really beginning to see what she is truly like.

And, to be honest, I can only assume that her attitude/behaviour stems from insecurity/jealousy, which makes me feel sorry for her.