Daughters dont get on- Spoiling Christmas

littleemmie

We are in a similar situation, only it is my OH and his brother who don't get on. I think that without knowing the cause of the arguement between the OP's daughters, it is difficult to advise properly.

In our situation, my OH has put up with years of verbal abuse from his brother. Last Christmas his brother turned violent towards him in front of their young cousins. My OH forgave and moved on for the sake of keeping the peace and keeping his parents happy. In September BIL got violent again, and threatened me, in front of his toddler children. We left the situation and received a number of vile letters since. OH has decided that he wants nothing further to do with his brother. We can no longer put ourselves in that situation and feel that protecting our family from that environment is the most important thing.

This Christmas OH's parents will let us know when they have a day free for us to visit. If this doesn't happen (BIL goes to his parents each year for the whole of the christmas period) we will still go to any family gatherings even if BIL is there, as it will be easier to keep our distance when there are other family members to talk to. We still try to make contact with BIL's children, and wouldn't dream of not doing so just because the adults can't get on.

Anyway, after that essay (sorry!), if there is a genuine reason why the OP's children don't get on then they need to compromise and I think you are doing the right thing OP by asking one daughter to change their arrival time. I wonder if the reason she has said no though is because she is the only one being asked to compromise, whilst the other daughter gets to keep her plans intact. Could you find a way for them both to change their plans somehow? I know that you want them in the same room ideally but unfortunately spending quality time with each daughter alone will be far happier than a strained christmas day with two people who don't see eye to eye.

marleyboy

MinniMe wrote: »

Just a little post to point out the possible view point from the daughters.

Firsty OP I am sorry you are feeling upset.

I understand everyone thinks they shuld put their differences aside for one day fro their Mum to make her happy - but should they do this if it makes them unhappy?

That would depend on if their differences were her fault, or how important it was for either of them to make her happy.

So long as they could be dignified enough to ignore one another by biting their lip for an hour or so and concentrate on their Mother instead, it shouldn't be too difficult.

Seeing my Sisters makes me unhappy, they infuriate me and I would happily poke them in the eyes, I have no doubt that they feel likewise.

But I still have to meet them at family gatherings, be it weddings, birthdays, special occasions or funerals. We might not like the idea, but its not about our abilities to spoil these occasions over our inability to compose ourselves for the sake of everybody else.

bestpud

I've fallen out with my sister (well, not really fallen out as such - she has cut me and my children from her life because I refused to let her carry on hurting people 'because she is family').

Life is wayyy too short to fill it with people with opposing morals and values. Being family makes no difference when you have someone whose values and actions leave you feeling shocked to the core.

Why should I spend a day being nice to someone who I find truly repulsive, just to please my parents? They are not stupid; they know how I feel and would also know it was just an act. They choose to stick by her, despite her ways, and that is up to them, but I won't.

That said, I wouldn't make a fuss about Christmas just to be awkward! That's unfair when the OP is being reasonable and taking their differences into account IMO.

I'd expect my parents to tell me to go forth if I acted like that!

People should not be so quick to judge when they don't know what happened between the sisters though.

Gigglepig

Anyone else who's curious now what caused the fallout in the first place? Maybe OP will come back and tell us :-)

victory

Yes all of us want to know:D

oldMcDonald

bestpud wrote: »

I've fallen out with my sister (well, not really fallen out as such - she has cut me and my children from her life because I refused to let her carry on hurting people 'because she is family').

Life is wayyy too short to fill it with people with opposing morals and values. Being family makes no difference when you have someone whose values and actions leave you feeling shocked to the core.

Why should I spend a day being nice to someone who I find truly repulsive, just to please my parents? They are not stupid; they know how I feel and would also know it was just an act. They choose to stick by her, despite her ways, and that is up to them, but I won't.

That said, I wouldn't make a fuss about Christmas just to be awkward! That's unfair when the OP is being reasonable and taking their differences into account IMO.

I'd expect my parents to tell me to go forth if I acted like that!

People should not be so quick to judge when they don't know what happened between the sisters though.

I could have written this post except for the fact that it is me who has cut my sister from my life!

My sister has been vile to my face, by letter, in phone calls, by text...every chance she can take she grabs it - she has broken up our once close family ( cousins and uncles were also unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of her abuse). As an adult, with a family of my own, I used to have panic attacks before I visited my mum - in case my sister was there.

I could never put myself into a position where she can hurt me again - whatever the occasion. Christmas or not.

I think the reason that the sisters in the OP argued is very important.

melancholly

Christmas is about the whole family.... there are family members i can barely be in a room with. there are years of resentment and anger and it exhausts me. having to ignore the snide comments or backhanded compliments..... having to smile sweetly at being cut out of conversations and, in the past, when presents are openly insulted.... it is hard work for me. i don't enjoy myself and i can't drink as i know that will end badly. my ideal christmas would be at home with just my OH. that would make me happy and i wouldn't be stressed and on edge. there reaches a point when i just don't care how it makes other people feel - how i feel is just sometimes more important.

all that said, i think it's petty to refuse to meet separately. but it all depends on context - if i was given a small window which i perceived as a summons to attend, then i might not react well (this may be nothing like what happened with the OP, but it's worth putting over other perspectives). it all depends on how things were phrased and what other plans are made. trying to keep two families happy can be difficult! this is also likely to get emotional rather than rational responses.

victory

you can choose for yourself to block them all out and stay at home just you and OH and see them for the negatives they bring either before or after the big day if family visits have to be honoured out of duty, if you and OH had a day, the day at home you could feel a whole lot better about having to compromise your time:D