Daughters dont get on- Spoiling Christmas

FatVonD

reneetoby wrote: »

I long to have them in the same room.

I agree it's being childish to refuse to arrive after the other has left but why do you long to have them in the same room? Surely it would be far better to spend quality time with each daughter on their own than everyone try to pretend it's one big happy family when it isn't?

(Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's all a bit close to home!)

sock-knitter

this year will be the first christmas that my sons have lived away from home, they hate each other and that was the main reason they both left home.
i live alone, as does my best friend who recently lost her husband, so we decided to go out together at xmas. ds1 decided he couldnt bear xmas without mum, so he was invited too. when ds2 was asked if he'd like to come as it was neuteral territory so to speak, and a public space, less likely for arguments, ds2 refused still, so he is seeing me the day after boxing day and we are having our own xmas day then, means he will get his pressies a few days late, but will still get quality time with me,.
OP cant you come to a compromise with your daughters?
my sons are only 16, but sensible enough to stay out of each others way

POPPYOSCAR

FatVonD wrote: »

I agree it's being childish to refuse to arrive after the other has left but why do you long to have them in the same room? Surely it would be far better to spend quality time with each daughter on their own than everyone try to pretend it's one big happy family when it isn't?

(Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's all a bit close to home!)

I can understand the Op wanting to have them with her together and they should be adult enough to be able to be civil to each other for her sake.If everyone can accept the situation for what it is there does not have to be any pretence of getting on.

We have a similar situation in our family but the people in question are grown up enough to be able to both attend family gatherings even though everyone there knows they do not get on with each other.To do otherwise I think is extremely self -centered.

Emmzi

my mun is forever on at me to make up with my brother. tbh I never will unless he has some major attitude changes.

I'm just going to note that her refusal to let it go affe ted my relationship with her for a long time - I am an adult and won't be dictated to about who I am friends with!

No answers, just a caution to go canny.

Errata

Send them both an email telling them to sort it out between them what they want to do and let you know when they've decided.

Bumpmakesfour

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I can understand the Op wanting to have them with her together and they should be adult enough to be able to be civil to each other for her sake.If everyone can accept the situation for what it is there does not have to be any pretence of getting on.

We have a similar situation in our family but the people in question are grown up enough to be able to both attend family gatherings even though everyone there knows they do not get on with each other.To do otherwise I think is extremely self -centered.

I don't think it has anything to do with being "grown up" or "self centred".Hubby is very mature and considerate but the things said to both him and myself by SIL were unforgivable and as a result we attend family gatherings seperately.It's by far the best solution for us all.
If a friend or whatever had said the vile stuff to us we'd never see them again,so just because somebody is family doesn't give them the right to speak to you like carp and doesn't mean it has to be tolerated as far as I can see.
On the other hand though our disagreement is our business and shouldn't affect other people and we ensure it causes as little stress for the inlaws as poss.Unfortunately in the OPs situation her daughters are not showing the same consideration and need a talking to.
Personally I still think telling them both to sod off and jetting off to the sun is the best option :rotfl:

Bumpmakesfour

Emmzi wrote: »

my mun is forever on at me to make up with my brother. tbh I never will unless he has some major attitude changes.

I'm just going to note that her refusal to let it go affe ted my relationship with her for a long time - I am an adult and won't be dictated to about who I am friends with!

No answers, just a caution to go canny.

Really good point there.DH is now so damn sick of the "when will you make up with your sister" chat that he actually avoids the inlaws more than usual.So personally if I was the OP I'd give them both one good talking to,tell them to sort it with regards to christmas day and then(as hard as it is)leave them to it.

POPPYOSCAR

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

I don't think it has anything to do with being "grown up" or "self centred".Hubby is very mature and considerate but the things said to both him and myself by SIL were unforgivable and as a result we attend family gatherings seperately.It's by far the best solution for us all.
If a friend or whatever had said the vile stuff to us we'd never see them again,so just because somebody is family doesn't give them the right to speak to you like carp and doesn't mean it has to be tolerated as far as I can see.
On the other hand though our disagreement is our business and shouldn't affect other people and we ensure it causes as little stress for the inlaws as poss.Unfortunately in the OPs situation her daughters are not showing the same consideration and need a talking to.
Personally I still think telling them both to sod off and jetting off to the sun is the best option :rotfl:

This is exactly the point.

The mother should not be put in the middle of their argument and made to suffer because of it.They are not thinking at all of her, only themselves and how they feel.

What will happen if there is a family wedding? Will one not go because the other one is there?Will one expect to sit with the mother and not the other one?Will they refuse to be in the photo together?

Sometimes in life you have to put aside your own feelings for the sake of others.

Emmzi

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Sometimes in life you have to put aside your own feelings for the sake of others.

Mum can't control daughters, so given that is not moveable, what does she want to happen? Mum is going to have to put aside her feelings, clearly.

IMHO a wedding with dozens of guests is a very different deal to xmas with about 6 people there and should easily be possible.

If I were mum I'd ask one for xmas eve meal, one for boxing day, and go to the pub for xmas dinner.

But I'm bah humbug anyway.

ailuro2

Send them each an email telling them they have until Friday to work it out between them and if they don't then neither of them are invited for Christmas, and never will be again even when there are grandchildren - let them know they are still welcome in your home, just not for Christmas.

Then come Friday book a flight to Tenerife and go enjoy some sunshine.;)