Daughters dont get on- Spoiling Christmas

Sambucus_Nigra

reneetoby wrote: »

Thank you so much for all your replies. You are all quite right in everything you say and you have helped me feel much stronger to deal with this!

I'd send them both some Tommee Tippee products for their Christmas presents. Wrapped in the babyish Santa wrapping paper I could find.

lostinrates

I think whether they are childish or not rather depends on what the disagreement was about.

Mojisola

lostinrates wrote: »

I think whether they are childish or not rather depends on what the disagreement was about.

The disagreement between them might justify their behaviour but not being able to arrange their Christmas visits without upsetting their Mum is very childish.

vharbourne

It is difficult though I would not want to upset my parents but my sister did something 5 years ago and I don't know if I can ever forgive her, thankfully she now lives in another country so I don't have to worry but if she ever comes back for a visit I have told my husband I want to go abroad or at least out of the county so as not to bump into her. May sound drastic to some people but if you don't know the reason for the disagreement it is a difficult one!!

marleyboy

Its about time they learned to grow up, you want to bang their heads together and say firmly "Not IN MY house!". You would think at their age they could distinguish the difference between spending Christmas with you, and spending it with each other.

Were it my kids I would say if its a case of choosing between which one of them, when or who to have over, I would prefer they both stayed away and sulked over Christmas by themselves, rather than having either of them spoil my Christmas with their childish tantrums.

I fell out with my Sisters Years ago, I wont entertain either of them, but neither of us would let it spoil Christmas with our Mother, choosing to leave our differences outside the door for the sake of ensuring my Mother has a happy family gathering.

poet123

marleyboy wrote: »

Its about time they learned to grow up, you want to bang their heads together and say firmly "Not IN MY house!". You would think at their age they could distinguish the difference between spending Christmas with you, and spending it with each other.

Were it my kids I would say if its a case of choosing between which one of them, when or who to have over, I would prefer they both stayed away and sulked over Christmas by themselves, rather than having either of them spoil my Christmas with their childish tantrums.

I fell out with my Sisters Years ago, I wont entertain either of them, but neither of us would let it spoil Christmas with our Mother, choosing to leave our differences outside the door for the sake of ensuring my Mother has a happy family gathering.

That is very adult, but does it really work? I ask because two of my sons are very different and regularly have their issues, so far, they have always made it up, but if they fell out seriously I know that even if they "pretended" to me at a family gathering that all was well and were civil to each other, the underlying issues would still upset me. I would probably (perhaps foolishly) try to engineer a reconciliation instead of being satisfied with them both being there.

I really sympathise with the OP as I believe blood should be thicker than water and most parents want to think they are leaving a tight family unit behind when they pop off. Sadly, that doesn't always work out.

Bumpmakesfour

DH and his sister fell out 5 years ago and don't talk and that is very unlikely to ever change.My children have never met their cousins despite living 2 miles away but after the evil vile things that came out of SILs mouth that's the way it'll stay.
We have to time our visits on sundays or over the festive period so that we don't clash but would never consider ruining MIL/FILs christmas by behaving as your daughters are OP.We will take the kids to the inlaws on christmas eve for a few hours then SIL has christmas day with them as she has a much closer relationship with them as do her kids so it just feels right that way.
We've tried the "be in the same room and pretend neither exists" thing once,never again.It was false,strained and both wanted to throttle each other so it's far easier keeping things separate.
If your daughters can't act like grown ups and compromise without putting you in such a rubbish situation I'd seriously "cancel" christmas at your house and book yourself a lovely week in the sunshine.Or tell them both that one gets christmas eve one gets xmas day.If one moans they have to travel on christmas day point out it's their own fault.(personally I'd go to tenerife or somewhere similar and leave them to it!!:p)
Re the begging them to make up?There's no point really.FIL had a huge health scare two years ago and another this year.Both times DH and myself were pretty much expected and told to go make up with his sister because his dad was ill.I know this'll sound harsh but it made no difference to how we felt towards SIL.We were there for his dad 1000%
and that was that,nothing would make us forgive the evil cowbag SIL.
Wishing you lots of luck sorting this one out,I know it's not easy xxxx

Gingernutty

They are both behaving like children. marleyboy has the adult answer there. They should put aside their differences for you, their mum.

If one won't even travel to you after she knows the other one has left - then she is just being petty.

If it were me, I'd say "F*ck the pair of ya! I'm going away for Christmas!"

However, even though I've been in similar situations with friends and distant relatives, I don't have children. I have no idea what you're going through and I'm sure it's painful.

Can no-one mediate? Just what did they fall out over that they can't sort it out years after the argument? Can one come for Christmas and one for New Year's?

Sorry, I'm speechless.

POPPYOSCAR

I do not think there is much you can do.

I understand that they have fallen out and they are entitled to feel the way they do about each other, but they should be grown up enough about it to make sure this does not impact on you.

If I were you I would just invite them both and leave it at that. If they do not turn up then that is their loss and not yours.

Even if you do try to intervene between them, in my experience it will do no good unless they want to make up for themselves.It may paper over the crack for the time being, but eventually the rift will re-emerge unless dealt with in the first instance.

POPPYOSCAR

poet123 wrote: »

That is very adult, but does it really work? I ask because two of my sons are very different and regularly have their issues, so far, they have always made it up, but if they fell out seriously I know that even if they "pretended" to me at a family gathering that all was well and were civil to each other, the underlying issues would still upset me. I would probably (perhaps foolishly) try to engineer a reconciliation instead of being satisfied with them both being there.

I really sympathise with the OP as I believe blood should be thicker than water and most parents want to think they are leaving a tight family unit behind when they pop off. Sadly, that doesn't always work out.

Yes I think it can work and I do have experience of it working within my own family.

Sometimes, I think parents are the glue keeping family together, very often when they are no longer there, that is when the real differences come out.