Advice needed: it's a mother issue

Errata

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

What someone that calls me a heartless b1tch in my own home for disagreeing with her over my child's nap time?! She doesn't have a leg to stand on!

If only she'd cut me off, it'd save me this guilt!

Looks like the family dynamics are pretty volatile. You can't change her behaviour, but if you change yours she may change hers.
Assuming your mum hasn't had a complete change of character - how did you deal with her opinions and nasty cracks in the past?

KxMx

I went with the asking why method for a different issue. My Mum, as well as being a Mum, is plain nosy, bordering and crossing into intrusive (but she doesn't see it). She'd ask me a stream of questions (every month, got your period? hows your period? as an example). I was answering and enabiling her to be so nosy. I grew resentful that she was so nosy and realised part of it way my fault. So I started to evade them or outright ask why she was asking (if I had a penny for every time she said "just wondered" :rotfl:...)

Another example was when I went to a memorial for a friend 3 years ago, we spent all day in the pub pretty much lol and then I went to another pub with a friend to have a private catch up. Mentioned the day before I was going out lunchtime but didn't say where. I was out such a long time that she couldn't resist asking where I went when I got in and I said to her, I would tell her when I was ready, since it was very emotional and I learnt alot about what happened before my friend died, a friend I was close to romantically. Well the next morning i'd barely set foot in the front room before I got "so where did you go". I mean literally half a foot was in the room.:eek:
I was so angry since I had told her I wasn't ready yet to speak of it but she's so nosy she couldn't resist. Now I am nosy too but I know where to draw the line and bite my tounge!

I am happy to say she is soooo much better now! However I also know if I get married/meet someone I am going to have to teach him the tactics.

Next task is giving me permission. I am 24 and when I say (ie telling not asking) "going to put the heating on" or "going to put the rubbish out" I get the "okay" in a tone that suggests I was asking her permission. She says it's habit but at my age it's a habit she should have got out of long ago. I am still working on that one!

I do find a consistent method works, she realises I am not going to give in eventually and she curbs her behaviour. I also call her on it when she speaks to me nastily since I won't put up with it, she wouldn't put up with it from me after all!

red_devil

try and imagine what it would be like if she suddenly wasnt here anymore that usually gets things into perspective.

Plans_all_plans

Errata wrote: »

Looks like the family dynamics are pretty volatile. You can't change her behaviour, but if you change yours she may change hers.
Assuming your mum hasn't had a complete change of character - how did you deal with her opinions and nasty cracks in the past?

Yes we have always had a volatile relationship since I reached about 13. She is very controlling and we have had major rows for as long as I can remember. Her whole family are the same with each other and rows are just something that happen. They are a big family of siblings though so as they grew up it must've been the way things got settled. The thing is, not one among them holds a grudge and after an hour they forget what they've fallen out about and they get on again.

This is how we used to be when we were all living in the same house: have a big bust up and then a bit later on we'd be fine again. As I've moved away and got my own family I've realised it's destructive behaviour and it's not the sort of thing I want to perpetuate in front of my own child. I need to find a better way of coping with the goading, but it's so ingrained in both of us to snipe back that neither of us seem able to stop it.

Any

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

My mother and I have a strained relationship. She tells me how to live my life and how I should be doing things. I am married with a child and one on the way and am well able to make my own mind up about things. The only way I can see of stopping her is to disown her, which I am not prepared to do. It is affecting me very badly and I need to know how to deal with it.

Can I ask those of you with interfering mothers, how you deal with it please? It's getting to the stage where I just can't bear to even think about seeing or speaking to her. Disowning her is not an option, so please don't advise this as I just wouldn't do it.

Any tips on how to change my reactions to her would be most welcome. Thanks.

There is not much else then nod, ignore and do your own thing anyway that you can do in that case...

Plans_all_plans

red_devil wrote: »

try and imagine what it would be like if she suddenly wasnt here anymore that usually gets things into perspective.

In my less angry moments this does work.

POPPYOSCAR

red_devil wrote: »

try and imagine what it would be like if she suddenly wasnt here anymore that usually gets things into perspective.

Some of us now have that luxury.

Errata

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Yes we have always had a volatile relationship since I reached about 13. She is very controlling and we have had major rows for as long as I can remember. Her whole family are the same with each other and rows are just something that happen. They are a big family of siblings though so as they grew up it must've been the way things got settled. The thing is, not one among them holds a grudge and after an hour they forget what they've fallen out about and they get on again.

This is how we used to be when we were all living in the same house: have a big bust up and then a bit later on we'd be fine again. As I've moved away and got my own family I've realised it's destructive behaviour and it's not the sort of thing I want to perpetuate in front of my own child. I need to find a better way of coping with the goading, but it's so ingrained in both of us to snipe back that neither of us seem able to stop it.

Sounds like both you and she have been following a script for a very long time, perhaps it's time to change your part. Keep on doing what you did and you'll keep on getting what you got. You choose how you react to her, if that's losing your temper - it's your choice, if you think it's going to get you anywhere. It certainly won't change your mother into the perfect mum.

suki1964

red_devil wrote: »

try and imagine what it would be like if she suddenly wasnt here anymore that usually gets things into perspective.

It dont though, it really doesnt make it any easier to live with that you have


Plans all plans- me and my sisters have the tshirt and wrote the book I think, our mother is a living nightmare. Even now in our 50's we dont know a thing and its her way or the wrong way. And guess what? Her husband is the same :eek::rotfl:

So how do we deal with it?

Elder sister has cut her out of her life completely. She just cant forgive her for her interference, to the extent she mapped out a career choice for her, then totally belittled her for most her adult life for not excelling. Regardless of the fact my sister has held a marriage together for 30 years and has two beautiful well adjusted young adults, and is a very much well loved and respected member of her community, in my mothers eyes she will always be a failure and my sister decided she could no longer live under that label

My little sister - took her family away around the world to OZ where she was free to make all the mistakes she wanted and was free to bring her family up her way. They have a thriving business and have a good life. She came home last year for a vist and decided I needed a medal for not having killed mother before now

Me? Well me I took her and her husband in. Me and my husband moved from England to NI and my mother done the big emotional blackmail number and so she lives in our house

How do we cope? Well to be honest I have no feeling for her now other then pity. I see where her domineering ways have got her and I pity her. I dont love her, I have no respect. I do my duty as a daughter and thats all

My mother, now in her 70's,is now having to cope with a domineering sick husband. Me and my husband do what we need to but we dont do it with joy or love in our hearts, its duty and my mother is very much aware of it. She has been trying to change her ways the past few years but its too little too late. I cant get past how its been for so long so I cant reach out in return

I cant say how you will manage your life and your mother. The one bit of advice I can give you is, learn to accept that that mother/daughter relationship you so hanker for is never going to happen. Whilst you hanker for that your mother will have the ability to harm you in the way she is doing now. Let that go and you can move on to a relationship that you can cope with

You cant change your mother but you can change yourself

yellowbear

What kind of relationship did/does your mum have with her mum? Any similarities there?

Suki, that must be so tough. xx