Advice needed: it's a mother issue

Tuesday_Tenor

You want some practical tips for coping. Not sure if this is one, but may aid your understanding of your own reactions a bit, if there's any similarity with my own experience. Some of the conversation patterns struck a real chord!

I think the poster who mentioned accepting the things she says as only her OPINION (and not worth getting worked up over) is right, but doesn't take account of the WAY things can sometimes be said, which is usually the most difficult bit. I think the trick to coping with it is reacting differently to the WAY they're said, which you know really goads you.

>>>> It's things like she'll say "your child needs a sleep", I'll say "no, she doesn't, she needs to stay awake now, because if she naps she'll be up at 4am and through the night etc". She'll say "you HAVE TO put her to sleep" and if I refuse

>>>>> but the thing is she keeps on and on and on and if I don't listen then she will start up with verbal abuse.

I had this 'on and on' thing with my mother. She had a most unfortunate way of saying what I wanted/needed/should do as though it was a FACT rather than her OPINION. As my own way and values were very different to hers it caused a lot of friction as I felt I had to disagree WITH THE INCORRECT FACT.

So, a typically stupid example: When we were going out somewhere:

Her : You want to wear some lipstick. (Fact)
Me: No, I don't
Her: Yes, you do.
Me: No. I don't.
Her: Yes you do.
Me: No I don't WANT to. I know what I want.
Her: Ooh! You do. You must do .... (i.e. anything different from HER way is inconceivable!)
Me: No. You know I don't usually wear make-up.
Her: But you SHOULD ... I'm sure you want to ...
Me; No, I DON'T want to ...
Ad infinitum

This pattern was so common I eventually analysed it a bit:
Her: 'You want' .... Always a statement of fact about what I wanted/needed/should do. Never phrased as an opinion 'I think you should ....'. To which I could have more logically responded 'Why do you think that?'

It was a statement of fact which was incorrect. I DIDN'T WANT! With anyone else I would have put the person straight so that they did not continue under the misapprehension of what I did/didn't want. So I did with her too. But really she didn't seem to respect what I wanted. Establishing the truth wasn't the issue for her. So being at loggerheads was inevitable!

I think the answer to not getting into a ding-dong with her is to
(a) Mentally rephrase her comment as an opinion. Not 'Your child needs a sleep' (as though it's a fact) but 'I think your child needs a sleep' (= her opinion onl).
(b) Don't say 'No .... plus justifications..'. Say 'Why do you think that?' Then the onus is on her to justify her assertion, not on you to justify your position. This should diffuse the situation a bit rather than escalating it. She'll either come up with some useful insights (unlikely) or back down a bit (as it was unjustifiable on the first place!).

Goodness knows why these mothers are like this. I'm as opinionated as anyone else but I express my opinions as just that. My opinions. I don't tell other people what THEY think or want. It's ridiculous!

My mother wasn't dreadful. She was fine when we were younger. Just couldn't cope with an adult relationship with us. I think some women think that as they've put so much effort into nurturing a child, that child MUST be a clone of themselves.

I always managed to retain a relationship (of sorts) with my mother, though it wasn't easy and I kept my distance. My sister couldn't stay overnight as she couldn't spend that long in her company.

Hope this helps a bit. No you won't be able to have the close relationship you'd like. But maybe things could be a bit easier if you
a) Smile and agree where possible
b) Ask 'Why do you think ...' rather than 'No ...' when it's not possible to agree.

Good luck!

Lyger

You cannot change your mother. All you can do is change how to react to her.

Some of the suggestions above are good ones - especially the 'broken record' technique. As someone above mentioned - pick out some polite stock phrases, and learn them by rote. When your mother starts 'facting' her opinons at you, pick one response. Say it in a toneless voice. Rinse and repeat until she gets it. Don't let emotion show, don't deviate from it. It she starts getting truly unbearable, back away. Hang up the phone, drive to a B&B - whatever. Just don't get engaged in justifying yourself to her. If you want to, give her a chance to stop before you disengage, that's fair enough - but if she carries on, take yourself out of the situation. Do the same every time you see her and she starts shoving her opinions down your throat. You need to retrain her in how she should speak to you. She may escalate her behaviour at first - but she will eventually get the point. It could take a while, so make sure you buff up a nice shiny steel spine for yourself.

RAS

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

If I was visiting them, I couldn't just up and leave because I'd have to pay around £100 for a train ticket home on the day. If she lived round the corner, then I'm sure your approach would work, but logistically it'd be a nightmare at the mo as we live so far apart. If I ever had to leave and spend a further £100 for a ticket home, then I would be totally fuming and I'd be even more p'd off!

Then book yourselves on of the very cheap travel lodge or other deals for the weekend. Time your visit to fit with the deals.

You may want to occupy it anyway, to give yourselves some breathing space; or you may just want to book in and then spend the weekend at your parents, knowing you can go leave if you want to without racking up huge costs.

samwich1979

Wow didnt know so many people had this problem with their mum.

Mine has been quite opinionated for many years and has no problems telling me what i should and shouldnt be doing but it has got way worse since i got married and found out i was pregnant and had my son in April. Here is just a few things that have happened this year.

She helped myself and my husband a lot decorating our last house and used to criticize what my husband did(not to his face) but her work wasnt perfect either.
When telling my mum we wanted new carpet for our house because the one there wasnt the best she said i was being ridiculous and we should just pay to get the old one cleaned. She was really having a go at me and made me feel awful.
A post was put on Facebook were my husband said something good may be about to happen and a comment was made about the pitter patter of tiny feet by a friend. I wasnt even pregnant, it was about a possible job offer but this got seen by my brother and when i told my mum 3 months later i was pregnant she went mad saying it was put on facebook before she was told and she didnt talk to me for 2 weeks!
In march my mum text me and said she had bought a moses basket from a charity shop for £4.00 and it was lovely and did we have one already? I said no but we wanted to buy a new one for the simple fact we dont know who had it before and that matresses should be new for a newborn baby. She then phoned me and continued to have a go at me telling me i was a joke and why waste money on new when second hand was ok for her when she had me and my brothers, i told her what i had previously said and she went mad and put the phone down on me! My husband text her and had a go at her for upsetting me whilst pregnant. She never spoke to me for ages until her sister died and she bluntly informed me by text and when i replied i got nothing back.
I had problems late on in pregnancy and even though she wasnt talking to me i kept her up to date and i still go nothing from her.
When i went into hospital and had my son 2 days before her birthday we did start texting until my husband sent everyone in the family text messages to say id had the baby by emergency c-section, then an hour later told his friends on facebook. Now my mums phone is dodgy and sometimes texts didnt go through until a few hours later and she got angry cos it was supposidly on facebook first and thats how she found out cos her text got through 2 hours after it was sent.
On mums birthday, the day i left hospital my husband text her(before id even remembered may i add)to say happy birthday and he got a reply saying "thanks for the message but i dont believe you mean it" my husband was so angry and so was i and needless to say she hasnt spoken to me for the last 7 months and has not even bothered to ask about or see her grandson.

Id love to sort things out but i know she need to be told what she has done wrong and how much she has hurt myself and my husband. Its so hard as really im stuck between them both and im not sure if they will ever get on again.
Just dont know why she has to be like this, im a 32 year old woman with a husband and son can i not make my own decisions and make my own mistakes?

Or has my mum got a right to act like this?

CH27

samwich1979 wrote: »

Wow didnt know so many people had this problem with their mum.

Mine has been quite opinionated for many years and has no problems telling me what i should and shouldnt be doing but it has got way worse since i got married and found out i was pregnant and had my son in April. Here is just a few things that have happened this year.

She helped myself and my husband a lot decorating our last house and used to criticize what my husband did(not to his face) but her work wasnt perfect either.
When telling my mum we wanted new carpet for our house because the one there wasnt the best she said i was being ridiculous and we should just pay to get the old one cleaned. She was really having a go at me and made me feel awful.
A post was put on Facebook were my husband said something good may be about to happen and a comment was made about the pitter patter of tiny feet by a friend. I wasnt even pregnant, it was about a possible job offer but this got seen by my brother and when i told my mum 3 months later i was pregnant she went mad saying it was put on facebook before she was told and she didnt talk to me for 2 weeks!
In march my mum text me and said she had bought a moses basket from a charity shop for £4.00 and it was lovely and did we have one already? I said no but we wanted to buy a new one for the simple fact we dont know who had it before and that matresses should be new for a newborn baby. She then phoned me and continued to have a go at me telling me i was a joke and why waste money on new when second hand was ok for her when she had me and my brothers, i told her what i had previously said and she went mad and put the phone down on me! My husband text her and had a go at her for upsetting me whilst pregnant. She never spoke to me for ages until her sister died and she bluntly informed me by text and when i replied i got nothing back.
I had problems late on in pregnancy and even though she wasnt talking to me i kept her up to date and i still go nothing from her.
When i went into hospital and had my son 2 days before her birthday we did start texting until my husband sent everyone in the family text messages to say id had the baby by emergency c-section, then an hour later told his friends on facebook. Now my mums phone is dodgy and sometimes texts didnt go through until a few hours later and she got angry cos it was supposidly on facebook first and thats how she found out cos her text got through 2 hours after it was sent.
On mums birthday, the day i left hospital my husband text her(before id even remembered may i add)to say happy birthday and he got a reply saying "thanks for the message but i dont believe you mean it" my husband was so angry and so was i and needless to say she hasnt spoken to me for the last 7 months and has not even bothered to ask about or see her grandson.

Id love to sort things out but i know she need to be told what she has done wrong and how much she has hurt myself and my husband. Its so hard as really im stuck between them both and im not sure if they will ever get on again.
Just dont know why she has to be like this, im a 32 year old woman with a husband and son can i not make my own decisions and make my own mistakes?

Or has my mum got a right to act like this?

This may just be me but i'd be extremely hurt if I was told about the birth of my grandchild by text.

Lara44

Even after an emergency C-Section, and her Mum wasn't speaking to her anyway?? Shouldn't parents (who supposedly love her unconditionally) be able to cut her a bit of slack at that exact moment in time?

Samwich, I think your Mum is upset at not being centre of attention. She cannot see that at this moment of childbirth things *should* revolve around you.

ailuro2

sorry I can't offer any advice you want to hear - I haven't spoken to my domineering mother for years, and it's one of the best life choices I ever made ( it's a close second after stopping smoking) Oh sure it would be wonderful to have a grandmother for my daughter - but I wouldn't want one as bitter and downright nasty as she was affecting my daughter's young life. Some people are just not worth making allowances for, in your case you sound willing to accept she's awful and put up with it. I wasn't. My mother was in tears when I phoned to tell her I was in labour - but not tears of joy, tears to get some sympathy because she was being nasty to me and I wouldn't agree with her!!

huskypup

I had this sort of relationship with my mum - she would infuriate me so much - we had no end of shouting matches, she did lots of things that I couldn't cope with, she was rude, loud, far too opiniated.

She died in April and I would do anything to have her back again, just the way she was! - at the end of the day - "She loved me" - and no it didn't give her the right to be horrible, but if I was ever in real trouble or upset - who was the first person I'd go to - my mum!! and now she's not here anymore and I don't have that.

I wish I had told her I loved her and I wish I had bitten my tongue more.:(

I miss you mum xxxxx

balletshoes

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I live 300 miles away from her, but the sad thing is I miss having the relationship I see my friends having with their mums. I used to go back once a month but I couldn't cope with her so now it's more like twice a year and even then I want to leave the minute I get there. My dad is the one suffering though as he is not seeing my daughter because of her.

I don't talk to my friends about it at all. I don't want them knowing my business and it seems such a teenage issue for me to be having in my mid twenties. I know it is damaging for me though, becuase I have started crying to my husband about it.

Do those of you who have mothers like this have to make a conscious effort to be different with your own kids? I can't bear to think my daughter may one day end up feeling like this about me.

You can try all you like, but if I read you correctly, you never had that kind of relationship with your Mum in the first place, and you can't change her, so you're never going to have what your friends have. Your parents (and I'm including your Dad) have just as much responsibility for keeping in touch and arranging to see you and your family as you do.

I think we all strive to give our kids a better childhood than we had, even if most of our childhood was idyllic.

My mum hasn't been a domineering mum with any of us girls since we grew up and left home, but she does attempt it with my brother, and they regularly fall out because they both get to a stage of not being able to button it anymore and then theres a blow-up. Its not healthy in my opinion, and both are to blame in their case.

balletshoes

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

What someone that calls me a heartless b1tch in my own home for disagreeing with her over my child's nap time?! She doesn't have a leg to stand on!

If only she'd cut me off, it'd save me this guilt!

I don't know how you can resolve this, I really don't. I don't easily lose my temper with anyone, but if I got called names like that from my own mother in my own home more than once, and its not out of character for her to do this, she wouldn't be welcome in my home again, and I would be expecting a sincere apology from her before contacting her again. I'd still contact my Dad though.

However - you don't appear to be able to let any of this go either - if you retaliate every time, you're doing what she wants. Its a vicious circle, and your mum doesn't appear to be upsetting herself over it. If you're upset about it, its got to be up to you to find a way of dealing with it. Nodding when she's "advising" you, not telling her decisions until you've done the deed etc, would seem to be the way to go to start with. Then when she starts with "you should have done this, you should have done that" you can come back with "ah well, its done now".