Advice needed: it's a mother issue

richardw

Is it a case that these mums can't accept that since their children have grown up their full time mothering job is over?

Hectors_House

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

How long did it take you to accept it Jane? This has been happening for 13 years now and I still can't find a good way of reacting!

She can be abusive at times now that I'm an adult though and my husband in particular finds this hard to take, he nearly threw her out of our house once until she apologised and stayed quiet. It's things like she'll say "your child needs a sleep", I'll say "no, she doesn't, she needs to stay awake now, because if she naps she'll be up at 4am and through the night etc". She'll say "you HAVE TO put her to sleep" and if I refuse I get called a "cold hearted b1tch."

That is the stuff I find really hard to take because my natural reaction is to jump up and attack her and it takes everything I have in me not to. Then it plays on my mind for ages and almost makes me ill that I've not stood up for myself.

Now that you've told us a little more I'm glad to see your OH supports you as there is no need for verbal abuse (which is what that is).

funkycat06

I can identify with alot of points in this thread unfortuantely , ive never had that close mother/daughter relationship with my mum but now im a parent luckily i do with my daughter.I can sympathise alot with the OP

carefullycautious

Have you tried just saying no and then not discussing it further. You dont need to justify why you are the parent/ adult.

Go quickly onto another subject so that she doesnt get chance to keep going over the same theme.

You must keep calm and be consistent. Never and i mean never try to justify why you are doing something because that just opens up a line of argument about why you are wrong.

She will soon get fed up of haveing a one sided argument.

I would not tolerate foul language and name calling and would say quietly that I am going home, and or, tell her you will not tolerate arguments in front of your children and that she should go home. No backing down even to appease your dad. You should explain to him why you are doing what you are doing. She only wins because she has learnt to wind you up and knows your trigger points so turn it on its head. praise good things she does (like you would a child)

There is a knack to doing this which once learnt will help

Plans_all_plans

She's doing her best without much of a blueprint. I can't fault her on a lot of her parenting, it's just the opinionated, verbally abusive comments that are very hard to take.

carefullycautious

see my above post

this is where you are falling down as it is so subjective being your mum. You can do this in a way that does not cause offence No means No

Plans_all_plans

If I was visiting them, I couldn't just up and leave because I'd have to pay around £100 for a train ticket home on the day. If she lived round the corner, then I'm sure your approach would work, but logistically it'd be a nightmare at the mo as we live apart.

carefullycautious

Ok did not realise how far away you are to each other

I would not enter into any discussion/ argument about what you have said no to.

Go for a walk

Change the subject

Do not react to her goading. Can you visit but stay in a B&B so that you have a getaway.

Tish_P

Maybe use a "mantra" approach? Learn a set of polite but not submissive phrases by heart and do a broken record imitation when she starts off. The "I'm sorry you feel that way" mentioned above is a good one. And if there are any things that make you less able to cope with her - do you find her harder to deal with if you're tired, or after a beer? - avoid them when she's around. And be prepared to leave the room or the conversation if she becomes abusive, you don't have to put up with that.

When say you wish SHE would cut YOU out - are you sure you're not just hanging on to a toxic relationship out of guilt? What value or happiness does she add to your life or your child's?

grey_lady

Two suggestions :-)

Firstly read the book that a previous poster suggested 'When you and your mother can't be friends' - it will really help you.

Secondly, and this is easier said than done - try and find a way of lowering your expectations, we all tend to put our parents on a pedestal and expect them to behave in a way that we think is appropriate - but that might never happen in your case, your mother might always be this way - as i said lower your expections, there might be some good things she does.