Advice needed: it's a mother issue

Just_Plain_Jane

Wickedkitten wrote: »

You definitely don't need to disown her but you do need to set your boundaries for your mum just like you would for anyone else. A lot of the time, I think one of the biggest problem for parents is transitioning from the relationship that they had with their children as children to a relationship that they can have with their children as adults. If you mum keeps giving you unwanted advice, just tell her that you appreciate it but that's not what you want to do, be firm and keep repeating it if you have to. If you do something like nod whilst agreeing, she is never going to know that she is upsetting you and will continue to do it.

Great idea in principle, but it only works with reasonable people. My mother was so far from reasonable when she thought she was right (which was all the time ). I tried to discuss her interfering with her many a time but she blew up at me, accusing me of being ungrateful for her 'help'.

However, if the OP hasn't tried this, it might be worth a go.

euronorris

Have you tried talking to her about it and how it effects you? I know that can be a very, very difficult thing to do.

Just_Plain_Jane

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

How long did it take you to accept it Jane? This has been happening for 13 years now and I still can't find a good way of reacting!

She can be abusive at times now that I'm an adult though and my husband in particular finds this hard to take, he nearly threw her out of our house once until she apologised and stayed quiet. It's things like she'll say "your child needs a sleep", I'll say "no, she doesn't, she needs to stay awake now, because if she naps she'll be up at 4am and through the night etc". She'll say "you HAVE TO put her to sleep" and if I refuse I get called a "cold hearted b1tch."

That is the stuff I find really hard to take because my natural reaction is to jump up and attack her and it takes everything I have in me not to. Then it plays on my mind for ages and almost makes me ill that I've not stood up for myself.

It took many years. Too many. I was late twenties and the mother of at least two kids by the time I realised I didn't have to do as she said. When it finally hit home, it was like breath of fresh air.

Plans_all_plans

Wickedkitten wrote: »

You definitely don't need to disown her but you do need to set your boundaries for your mum just like you would for anyone else. A lot of the time, I think one of the biggest problem for parents is transitioning from the relationship that they had with their children as children to a relationship that they can have with their children as adults. If you mum keeps giving you unwanted advice, just tell her that you appreciate it but that's not what you want to do, be firm and keep repeating it if you have to. If you do something like nod whilst agreeing, she is never going to know that she is upsetting you and will continue to do it.

She knows she is upsetting me.

gingin_2

I had counselling. It was great to talk to someone who had no clue who I was, unlike with a well meaning friend who might say things they think you might want to hear.

Do you live close to your mother? I can imagine that would make things harder than if you were further away. I keep in weekly contact with mine, she's a brilliant grandmother and a good mum most of the time so it's worth it for me.

Until last weekend I had this book, which went to charity, otherwise I would have sent it to you.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friends/dp/0385304234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320763304&sr=8-1

It's a little americanized but a good read.

Plans_all_plans

I live 300 miles away from her, but the sad thing is I miss having the relationship I see my friends having with their mums.

Just_Plain_Jane

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I live 300 miles away from her, but the sad thing is I miss having the relationship I see my friends having with their mums. I used to go back once a month but I couldn't cope with her so now it's more like twice a year and even then I want to leave the minute I get there. My dad is the one suffering though as he is not seeing my daughter because of her.

I don't talk to my friends about it at all. I don't want them knowing my business and it seems such a teenage issue for me to be having in my mid twenties. I know it is damaging for me though, becuase I have started crying to my husband about it.

Do those of you who have mothers like this have to make a conscious effort to be different with your own kids? I can't bear to think my daughter may one day end up feeling like this about me.

Yes, I now have a teenage daughter. I like to think our relationship is more open than mine and my mother's, she can and does tell me anything. I also constantly ask myself if giving advice might be construed as sticking my nose in. If in doubt, I keep it out!

POPPYOSCAR

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I live 300 miles away from her, but the sad thing is I miss having the relationship I see my friends having with their mums. I used to go back once a month but I couldn't cope with her so now it's more like twice a year and even then I want to leave the minute I get there. My dad is the one suffering though as he is not seeing my daughter because of her.

I don't talk to my friends about it at all. I don't want them knowing my business and it seems such a teenage issue for me to be having in my mid twenties. I know it is damaging for me though, becuase I have started crying to my husband about it.

Do those of you who have mothers like this have to make a conscious effort to be different with your own kids? I can't bear to think my daughter may one day end up feeling like this about me.

Very much so.

I feel for you I really do.

I did not like my mother but I eventually got over the guilt of feeling like that.I came to accept the way she was, however, my sister always wished she was different and missed that 'mother daughter' relationship that was impossible with our mother.

I have always said I want my children to love me for the person I am and not just because I gave birth to them.

Wickedkitten

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

Great idea in principle, but it only works with reasonable people. My mother was so far from reasonable when she thought she was right (which was all the time ). I tried to discuss her interfering with her many a time but she blew up at me, accusing me of being ungrateful for her 'help'.

However, if the OP hasn't tried this, it might be worth a go.

Heh my mum is not in any way reasonable. I think the thing that worked in my case is I never discussed it with her at all, I just put it forward as fact 'I'm glad you think that but I'm going to do this' she would get riled by that point and start yelling so I would just look at her and say "well I'm sorry you feel like that" took me the longest time to get to that point without arguing back with her but it really did work because she would just get confused because she was used to full blown rows by that point.

Just_Plain_Jane

Wickedkitten wrote: »

Heh my mum is not in any way reasonable. I think the thing that worked in my case is I never discussed it with her at all, I just put it forward as fact 'I'm glad you think that but I'm going to do this' she would get riled by that point and start yelling so I would just look at her and say "well I'm sorry you feel like that" took me the longest time to get to that point without arguing back with her but it really did work because she would just get confused because she was used to full blown rows by that point.

Once they have nowhere to go with it they have no choice but to back down.

Even without a row though, my mother was the biggest grudge-holder and would ignore me (and my children) for weeks if she felt she had been slighted in any way. Then ring up out of the blue all nicey-nicey when she'd finished stropping.