Advice needed: it's a mother issue

balletshoes

RAS wrote: »

Then book yourselves on of the very cheap travel lodge or other deals for the weekend. Time your visit to fit with the deals.

You may want to occupy it anyway, to give yourselves some breathing space; or you may just want to book in and then spend the weekend at your parents, knowing you can go leave if you want to without racking up huge costs.

I do agree with this - I have a great relationship with my mum, live nearly 400 miles away and go back usually every time theres a school holiday for a few days. Its much much less of a chore having a hotel room to escape to, to get my own space (and I've found now I have a child and have had my own place for 20plus years its even more desirable not to be sharing the same house with my mum all the time).

Travelodge are having a sale on Thursday 24th for hotel rooms up to end of January, and including Christmas .

krlyr

OP, I don't think the only options are agree with everything she says or disown her. If you struggle to talk to her then write her a letter. Set out rules, e.g. things you're happy to have her input on (remind her this is input, as in her opinion, not orders) and things you are set on and don't need advice on. Set down consequences for breaking the rules, e.g. you won't have her around to see the kids until she lets things go.
My mum doesn't sound half as bad but still forgets that I am a big girl now - I'm buying a house with OH and she keeps getting very involved in it and I have to remind her that it's my house! She doesn't mean any harm by it but keeps offering to take me out to pick furniture, to come over and decorate etc. when these are things I want to do with OH to make it our home we've built together. Don't think it's quite on the same track as your mum but my point is that it can be hard for mums to let go.

sassyblue

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Done all that and it doesn't shut her up! I have even forcibly removed her from my house and said "make your own way home". My dad was up here too though and he said "if she's going, then I'm going to have to go with her" so I flung him out too. Obviously he had to go with her and I can't expect him to take my side over hers. After an hour or so my dad rang me asking whether they really had to go as they were in the cafe round the corner. If he hadn't been there, she'd not have been coming back in my house, but cos it was making things awkward for him, I relented.

Honestly, he's been married to her for 30 years and he's a living Saint.

Sorry plans, but this made me laugh, l can just imagine your mum wouldn't back down but made him ring hoping she wouldn't have to go home....

You're not going to change her so don't upset yourself by trying. There's some good advice on here so l'd just say similar....
Don't tell her what you're upto - less chance for her to give her opinions
Don't stay with them when you visit them stay at a B&B - if this is an option, money wise.
Always know when you ring her that you have a 'get-out' if she starts acting up, cut her off by saying 'oh sorry someone at the door', 'one of the kids playing up l'll have to go'
The best thing to do is NOT rise to her but stay calm if she starts abuse, sarcastic 'oh dears' and 'did you actually just say that?', eventually she'll learn you aren't going to take her nonsense. If you're there in person, not reacting but raising your eyebrows would be enough, it gives her the impression you expected that behaviour and aren't going to play ball.

She sounds to me like she's lonely and bitter for some reason. I'm sure she gets alot out of you and the grandchildren but she just can't show happiness.

carlpayne

You should tell her that there are limits. You got married. Is your hubby with you?

Will he not interfere with your mother's activities?

Plans_all_plans

abcdefghijk

sassyblue

Plans, have you thought about why she's like this? I find if l can think of a reason to explain something then l can feel sympathy for them rather than anger. Just another idea.

Plans_all_plans

Yes I've given it some thought sassyblue. I think that she has a naturaly controlling personality, as well as the fact that she hasn't worked since I was born (she does plenty of stuff but nothing where she'd need to 'keep the worst aspects of herself more in check' like a paid job or structured volunteering) so when we started asserting ourselves more and growing up she probably felt a bit lost/not needed. Also, like I say she didn't have much of a blueprint to work from in her own family. I cannot feel sympathy for her though; she is an intelligent woman who knows she's upsetting me but she can't stop herself!

desert_rose

Some mums of adult children have a hard time adjusting to their 'babies', suddenly becoming fully fledged adults with lives, careers, homes and children of their own. When you've invested the best years of your life (some would say!) into bringing up a family, its very, very hard to not only let go but to back off, re-adjust and reinvent the relationship with your grown up kids.

There's also the 'generational', differences. Society and childrearing is different now and so are the pressures on families. In my opinion, its a harder time in many respects to be starting out on life and coping with those typical adult responsibilities than it was in my day.

Yet in my day, there was a lot more tolerance and understanding of this issue.

Grandmothers were respected and their advice sought as most were acknowledged to be wise women and very experienced in so many different ways.

These days, an older woman's input is seen as 'interfering'. Her voice is disregarded largely as being irrelevant, old fashioned, unworthy. People talk on here of 'disowning', their mothers because they don't like what they hear, because other opinions are offered which don't match what was expected.

Its very sad.

Try a bit of respect. You don't have to agree with your mother but at least show that her opinion has validity - she wouldn't offer it unless she cared.

gocurlygirl

OMG I'm not alone!
I can't even write about the things she says and does ,it is hard to believe and she looks so angelic.I feel bad for even typing this,if I say something she brings it up years later.
I can't say more but good luck.
To desert Rose-I do respect and loved my grandparents and mil and father,my mum left us only to see us when convenient to her,I had to grow up and support my shocked dad and younger siblings.We got over this . I love her and respect her but it should be mutual-now she wants us to be the children she left and I want her in my life but as a grown woman.Every case is different and there are things I cannot even talk to my husband about-and we dont have secrets.When my mum trys to upset my husband and dd I can not win no matter what I do.

fawd1

I also have a mum who is shall we say opinionated. Best thing I've done so far is to stop mentioning things that I'm just thinking about doing. I now only mention something when it's already done and dusted so even if she disagrees, I just say, oh well it's too late now to change it. She has a habit of disagreeing with me about everything, sometimes just to wind me up I'm sure!