Advice needed: it's a mother issue

gratefulforhelp_2

Hermia wrote: »

My mum is nice, but is a bit domineering. One thing I find that helps is simply not telling her what I am doing or what decisions I am making. If it is something she needs to know I tell her after I've done it or made the decision. I have friends with domineering mums and what always amazes me is that they tell their mothers everything every day and then get upset when they give their opinions on it all. I never understand why they just don't lie!

This, though would avoid lying as it's likely to bite you on the bum later.

My Mum once froze me out for three months because I wouldn't invite one of her hellish rellies to my wedding. I gave in in the end and invited her - she was screamingly awful as predicted - so there I was vindicated. I learned that it's also important to choose some things to give in over, pick your battles et.c.

euronorris

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I don't talk to my friends about it at all. I don't want them knowing my business and it seems such a teenage issue for me to be having in my mid twenties. I know it is damaging for me though, becuase I have started crying to my husband about it.

Your friends are there to support you honey, and I very much doubt that any of them would view it as a 'teenage issue'. I actually seem to have more friends with mother issues, than friends who don't!! Sadly. OH and 3 closest friends, for a start, do not have good relationships with their mothers, so you are not alone (though I understand it probably feels that way sometimes).

I think the best thing you can do, is to stop caring what she says/thinks about things. It's hard, and I don't know how to help you reach that point, but I do know that it will remove the power behind the words and stop it from effecting you so much.

Maybe talking to a counsellor about it will help you.

Hermia

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I live 300 miles away from her, but the sad thing is I miss having the relationship I see my friends having with their mums.

You don't know what their relationships are really like though. A lot of women just don't talk about these issues. A friend of mine has what looks like a lovely warm relationship with her mum, but once you know her you realise that it's actually quite an unhealthy relationship as she behaves like a child still.

Hermia

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

This, though would avoid lying as it's likely to bite you on the bum later.

I think I meant lie more in the sense of just fudging your answer to her questions. E.g. if a pushy mum says "have you thought any more about that decision" replying "no, I haven't had time to think about it" until you are ready to make your announcement. I don't advocate telling porkies that will catch you out.

CH27

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

How long did it take you to accept it Jane? This has been happening for 13 years now and I still can't find a good way of reacting!

She can be abusive at times now that I'm an adult though and my husband in particular finds this hard to take, he nearly threw her out of our house once until she apologised and stayed quiet. It's things like she'll say "your child needs a sleep", I'll say "no, she doesn't, she needs to stay awake now, because if she naps she'll be up at 4am and through the night etc". She'll say "you HAVE TO put her to sleep" and if I refuse I get called a "cold hearted b1tch."

That is the stuff I find really hard to take because my natural reaction is to jump up and attack her and it takes everything I have in me not to. Then it plays on my mind for ages and almost makes me ill that I've not stood up for myself.

I'd say
my house my rules
my child my rules
my husband my rules.

Point out that's how she has run her life & thiss how you will run yours;) That will shut her up.

Errata

OP - this is going to seem harsh. You can't turn a deaf ear to your mum, you lose your temper and shout and swear at her, you deny your child and your father a relationship, and all because she tells you her opinion. She's not a perfect mother, but you aren't a perfect daughter either.
Any child of mine that shouted and swore at me would be out of the door at the speed of light.

Plans_all_plans

CH27 wrote: »

I'd say
my house my rules
my child my rules
my husband my rules.

Point out that's how she has run her life & thiss how you will run yours;) That will shut her up.

Done all that and it doesn't shut her up!

Ellidee

Plans please read this thread and see if any of it 'chimes' with you https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

Plans_all_plans

Errata wrote: »

OP - this is going to seem harsh. You can't turn a deaf ear to your mum, you lose your temper and shout and swear at her, you deny your child and your father a relationship, and all because she tells you her opinion. She's not a perfect mother, but you aren't a perfect daughter either.
Any child of mine that shouted and swore at me would be out of the door at the speed of light.

What someone that calls me a heartless b1tch in my own home for disagreeing with her over my child's nap time?! She doesn't have a leg to stand on!

If only she'd cut me off, it'd save me this guilt!

Scorpio33

Lets assume that your mum is right all the time and you are wrong all the time.

Does that mean that you have to take her adivce?

No - you need to do what you want, even if it means learning from your mistakes. The mum needs to understand this.

I get a feeling that it is the mum not wanting to let go of her daughter, fear of being left alone with little people to talk to. Her "helping" is her trying to keep someone close to her. If this is the case, the OP needs to reassure the mum that she will always be her mum no matter what, and she will love her no matter what. But she (the mum) needs to let her do things her own way (and make her own mistakes)