Advice needed: it's a mother issue

Plans_all_plans

My mother and I have a strained relationship. She tells me how to live my life and how I should be doing things. I am married with a child and one on the way and am well able to make my own mind up about things. The only way I can see of stopping her is to disown her, which I am not prepared to do. It is affecting me very badly and I need to know how to deal with it.

Can I ask those of you with interfering mothers, how you deal with it please? It's getting to the stage where I just can't bear to even think about seeing or speaking to her. Disowning her is not an option, so please don't advise this as I just wouldn't do it.

Any tips on how to change my reactions to her would be most welcome. Thanks.

Just_Plain_Jane

My mother was domineering. Mostly I would just nod and agree to everything she said and do what I liked anyway. It made life a bit easier. Sure, she would go on at me when she found out I ignored her 'advice' but I just nodded and agreed when she said I was wrong. Repeat as required.

It took me years though, to be able to do this and not feel like I was letting her down. I just eventually woke up to the fact that I couldn't please her and stopped trying. I wouldn't cut her off, because my eldest daughter was her golden child and DD would've been too upset if I had.

Alikay

I do the same as Jane: I've managed to get to 50 and have successfully raised 3 children using the nodding and agreeing method and other tried and tested ways of passive resistance! It's not worth locking horns with my mum as there are only ever 2 ways of doing anything: Her way and the wrong way! I love her dearly and we're very close, but simply have conflicting views on many things. She's an assertive and articulate lady who can twist things to argue any point in her favour: I have those skills too, but have a more "live and let live" approach to life. Understanding how her mind works, though, can help me to side-step some flash-points!

I know I'll always disappoint her in some ways (my disinterest in clothes and keeping up appearances, mainly), but in others I know she's proud. I don't get into rows or go putting her right on things (even if I feel strongly about them) because she'd turn on the waterworks and send me on a massive guilt trip, and if things get really tricky I'll tend to avoid too much contact and become "busy" for a few days!

Hermia

My mum is nice, but is a bit domineering. One thing I find that helps is simply not telling her what I am doing or what decisions I am making. If it is something she needs to know I tell her after I've done it or made the decision. I have friends with domineering mums and what always amazes me is that they tell their mothers everything every day and then get upset when they give their opinions on it all. I never understand why they just don't lie!

Plans_all_plans

Thanks. I couldn't care less if I was 'letting her down' though, because I know I'm not! My problem is that my temper gets the better of me, she gets an earful and the phone put down on her. I see RED and I just can't stop myself. No-one else has this affect on me, so I know I'm not the one with the issue. Everyone finds her difficult and opinionated, so it must be her!

Pee

With my mum I don't tell her too much. I'll tell her what I've done but not what I am planning to do. It's easier to brush off advice when it's just too late to take it.

I do try to ask her advice on things I could do with her advice on. She makes the best Yorkshire puddings, is generally great with cakes and is brilliant with washing and stain removal.

I do also specifically mention work projects where I have taken on a lot of responsibility to hopefully remind her I am a grown adult with a career of my own. I know she still thinks I am 11 really...

Pee

Aw, if she makes you angry, this is completely normal. Mums can manage to make us revert to childhood, as siblings can also sometimes do.

You wouldn't lose your temper with say your OH's mum if she behaved in this way or your boss or your daughter's head teacher.

Can you say I would rather not talk about this now and if she continued, say Mum, I mean it, I have asked you to leave it?

Just_Plain_Jane

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I want the sort of relationship with her where I can say things openly, I don't want to have to agree with her all the time.

I wanted this too, but eventually accepted that it wasn't going to happen. I never felt oppressed by using the nod and agree method, as by the time I adopted it I'd stopped giving a !!!!!! what she thought really, it was just easier to do it that way to save a confrontation.

Wickedkitten

You definitely don't need to disown her but you do need to set your boundaries for your mum just like you would for anyone else. A lot of the time, I think one of the biggest problem for parents is transitioning from the relationship that they had with their children as children to a relationship that they can have with their children as adults. If you mum keeps giving you unwanted advice, just tell her that you appreciate it but that's not what you want to do, be firm and keep repeating it if you have to. If you do something like nod whilst agreeing, she is never going to know that she is upsetting you and will continue to do it.

Alikay

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Did you find when you agreed with your mum that it ate you up a bit inside though? I have tried this in the past but I gave up doing it because I felt worse doing so.

Nope. I feel a very childish sort of glee, because she thinks she's won but I KNOW what I think! I adopt a demeanor of bland and pleasant compliance and do exactly what the hell I was gonna do anyway! Don't get wound up - we don't have Thought Police yet and even if she susses your intentions, she can't pick a fight if you're being so nice and agreeable! :rotfl:

Plans_all_plans

How long did it take you to accept it Jane?