Would you be angry?

Any

But I think the issue here is that it is FAMILY.
So many people, mothers, MIL etc believe it is only polite invite the family sundry such as cousins etc even though they would not have invited them to their own holiday or for dinner to their house.

And that is where usualy these arguments start - the numbers get hard because of all the people you wouldn't have invited if it was purely up to you and without that thinking that is beaten into us while we are growing up that it is the "done" thing and then cuts are being made etc...

I can tell you I haven't seen my cousins from mum's side since my own wedding, however I felt obliged to have them there because they are FAMILY and I see them 3 times a year at that point.. my male cousin is completely bloody weird and my friends were mindered by him all night. But he was brother of my nice cousin. So both I invited. As not to offend.
I was very very fortunate that the space of my wedding was massive and the cost wasn't excessive so I could do these things, but I tell you there would possibly be lots of upset people if I was on a budget.

All I wanted was all my friends there, couldn't give a damn about half of the family. Never mind their children and "girlfriends". It's not that I don't like them, just not enough to have to break a bank to justify a party for my closest!!

I would not be downsizing the party I had to dry bread and a pint of beer just to make people I was put in together by complete coincidence of birth happy, I tell you that!!

elvis86

Person_one wrote: »

That's life.

You know, technically, you can get married for less than £200 at a registry office. You're still just as married.

Plenty of people manage big parties for 150 on peanuts, they get the use of a pub function room for free and put on a buffet, I've been to weddings like this and they're just as happy an occasion as the posh ones with seat covers, string quartets and a £500 cake.

Please don't believe the wedding industry hype! It doesn't have to cost you a small fortune and you aren't entitled to behave badly because its your special day!

I don't buy into the hype and I certainly don't believe that one has licence to behave awfully just because one is getting married! For example, I'm a big advocate of having the wedding you can afford, if you want 17 bridesmaids then you pay for 17 outfits, I'm appalled when people ask bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses!

But even if you held you wedding in a pub with a buffet, at the end of the day there would be a limit on how many people you could invite. For example, I work in an office with 50 others, plus 20 or so more colleagues that I regularly see. With partners, that would be 140 guests before family and friends. Imagine that my partner had the same?! You could have your reception in a pub, stick peanuts on the bar and let folk buy their own drinks, but you would still have to make decisions re a guest list.

newcook

Person_one wrote: »

Of course it matters, but it doesn't have anything to do with politeness. If you can only seat 50 you figure out who you want to invite but still bearing in mind the social unit rule. Its not an excuse to start being rude.

why should there be any 'social unit rule'?! its his girlfriend not his fiance, wife, live-in-lover or anything else that would make them a 'social unit'
They possibly did want to invite her but due to numbers of others who probably have priority in their lives there wasn’t room for her at the wedding breakfast.
If I had a choice of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends that I socialize with every week or my cousin's girlfriend who he wasn’t with when I first started planning the wedding and I’d only met a few times, I know exactly who wouldn’t be asked to come to the sit-down meal!

Scorpio33

At the end of the day it is impossible to please everyone in the wedding invite situation, so you do your best as a couple. That will always mean a compromise as a couple and will always offend someone. Then there is the seating plan which is a bigger headache.

The issue I have with this is that it seems that the grooms mother seems to be dictating a lot, which is a big no no. It is the couples wedding, they should decide.

And if people then phoned up to ask if so and so could come (or why not), I would calmly explain to them why we did what we did.

Person_one

elvis86 wrote: »

I don't buy into the hype and I certainly don't believe that one has licence to behave awfully just because one is getting married! For example, I'm a big advocate of having the wedding you can afford, if you want 17 bridesmaids then you pay for 17 outfits, I'm appalled when people ask bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses!

But even if you held you wedding in a pub with a buffet, at the end of the day there would be a limit on how many people you could invite. For example, I work in an office with 50 others, plus 20 or so more colleagues that I regularly see. With partners, that would be 140 guests before family and friends. Imagine that my partner had the same?! You could have your reception in a pub, stick peanuts on the bar and let folk buy their own drinks, but you would still have to make decisions re a guest list.

Yet funnily enough, at most weddings I go to (and I'm in the 25-30 age bracket, so its a lot!) spouses are invited and everybody still fits in the room and has a lovely time! You'd think that was impossible based on this thread...

Would you really invite all 70 colleagues? Honestly?

Person_one

newcook wrote: »

why should there be any 'social unit rule'?! its his girlfriend not his fiance, wife, live-in-lover or anything else that would make them a 'social unit'
They possibly did want to invite her but due to numbers of others who probably have priority in their lives there wasn’t room for her at the wedding breakfast.
If I had a choice of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends that I socialize with every week or my cousin's girlfriend who he wasn’t with when I first started planning the wedding and I’d only met a few times, I know exactly who wouldn’t be asked to come to the sit-down meal!

I'm not referring to the situation in the OP when talking about the social unit rule, I'm responding to the multitude of other posts suggesting that its ok to exclude formal official partners who are social units, the GF in the OP is not.

melancholly

you know, doesn't this just prove that picking up the phone and making a call and explaining a situation is a hell of a lot better than just sending out an invitation, knowing it may be unexpected/cause upset.

as a general point of course it's up to the couple to do what they want. but they have to also realise that some decisions may have consequences. being a bride or groom does not give them carte blanche to ignore all outstanding family politics. equally, families/guests have to put up and shut up for the sake of the couple and not cause a fuss on the day.

fwiw, i'm not married. my OH and i have been together long enough to see other couples meet, marry, have kids and divorce. for things like this, i'd expect us to come as a unit and i would be surprised if one or other of us was left off an invite, even before we lived together (circumstances don't always mean that moving in together is logistically possible!).

we've not been invited at all to other family weddings, but the couple told up (perhaps via my mum - can't honestly remember) that they had to limit numbers as they just couldn't afford it and were having a small wedding. i completely understood and wasn't upset, even if in all honesty i was a little disappointed. had they just not said anything and we'd heard about it separately, then i'd have been angry as that's just plain rude. difficult decisions have to be made about guest lists, but a little bit of explanation helps avoid conflict. (now sometimes things will be perceived badly despite best efforts, but leaving out someone's OH is really pretty obvious as something that is likely to go down badly!)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Would I be angry? No. If I were the female concerned? No.

Mind you, I wouldn't be inviting cousins on the say so of a parent saying 'you have to invite auntie x and uncle y and your cousins - they're family!' either. Not saying this is the case here, but the inviting adult children in with the parents suggests it to me. And then there's an aunty stamping her feet and wailing that her son's girlfriend hasn't been invited either? No chance.


Simple solution - show up to the evening do together. After all, it isn't about getting a temporarily tenuously connected to the family person's face into the photos, is it? As that is always a very, very bad idea.


Families and weddings, eh? [shudder]

tescobabe69

mishkanorman wrote: »

its someones special day (once in a lifetime for some) !

Is it just me that finds this a little bit odd/sad ?

Any

Person_one wrote: »

I'm not referring to the situation in the OP when talking about the social unit rule, I'm responding to the multitude of other posts suggesting that its ok to exclude formal official partners who are social units, the GF in the OP is not.

I think it "depends"...

All my close, going out and spending weekends/holidays/dinners together friends - I would have automaticaly known their partners well too, so they would be invited.

My work colleagues, people I meet/do stuff without their partners ever being present - I would pick the best of these (if I had space) and they would come together as a friend unit, no need to also have their partner there and I believe they would understand. Most likely those would be just evening do people though.

Distant family - You kind of have to invite them even though they do not fall into the groups above, they will only moan and make you into bridezila what ever you do, you only do the complete minimum. Official partners of those I think would also have to be invited. I stop at 50 children (which is why I would be bridezila - fortunately I didn't have many children at my wedding due to parent's choice and it was in a massive green space so the ones that were there were entertaining themselves, but as I say I was lucky).

In this case the girfriend was unfortunately a victim of numbers I am affraid. But as unoficial partner she was easiest target for elimination:D